Sunday, sunday…. Sunday April 6, 2008

The homework is done, the mother in law is gone, the kids are out with their dad (who is taking a much needed day off) and I have time to blog.  So far I am keeping up with the school pace, but if history has taught me anything, it is week 3 that I need to fear.  Things roll along kind of quietly until then, and then BAM! shit starts to get out of control.  If I can stay on top of the readings and homework then I think I will be alright.

One of the best parts of keeping really busy, is that I have a great excuse for having a messy house. No one expects a crazy full time student mama to keep a clean house.  Hell, I could probably get away with feeding them TV dinners every night if I wanted to, lol.  But, alas, my nutrition class will prevent me from ever being able to do that in good conscience.  We will stick to the usual routine of pasta and salad.  Nutritious, even if it is boring.  At least they eat it.

I have decided that since it is spring and all, I am going to keep parking at the shuttle lot, shuttle in to school in the morning, and then walk the mile or so back every day as long as it isn’t pissing down rain.  So far, so good.  And I even had a great excuse to go buy some new Keens   The exercise feels good to my muscles and my mind.  I got a bit out of the habit of walking with the bad weather, and I am really proud that I am motivated to do even this small thing for myself.  Things have changed so much for me, it is hard to take in all of the changes sometimes.  I know that I am having the longest run of feeling “normal” (god I hate that word…) that I can remember.  I know that a good part of it is the Suboxone, but I also feel things changing.  I am learning new ways of handling my feelings and speaking my mind.  It feels really good, I must say.

Maybe one of these days I will have to change the name of my blog, I am starting to feel the twinges of actually BEING the new me.  Weird.  I certainly wasn’t expecting that.

back to busy Tuesday April 1, 2008

The new quarter started and I am crazy busy once again.  I am trying to figure out how my life will work with such a heavy class load and family life and all.  I know I will get it figured out, but this Chemistry class is scaring the crap out of me.  This woman is a fast talker and is expecting 2-3 hours of homework per night for her class alone.  I hope I can keep up…  I have a feeling I will be getting to know the staff of the Chem help lab pretty well, since we are doing a years worth of high school chem in 10 weeks.  FUN.  I think my other classes will be ok, at least not nearly as intense a the Chem.  Wish me luck, you all may not hear from me for a bit while I get my bearings.

ladies that lunch Wednesday March 26, 2008

Is this what it’s like to be one of those stay at home soccer moms? Nothing to all day but entertain myself and have lunch with friends and maybe tidy up a bit? It is a strange life, I must say.

My little A&J was in a play at school last night. She had a speaking part, even! She looked so grown up and beautiful, I couldn’t believe how much she has changed since she first graced that stage three years ago. Time is flying by so quickly for them, while for me it just stagnates. It doesn’t seem to matter how far I progress in my life, I still have the same problems, the same dramas. I think I want a new life. Can I trade this one in for a newer model? I will keep the features I like, and replace the crap thankyouverymuch.

I heard what you said, Mr. procrasti-NATION, and I am working on it. I have plenty of goals and dreams, but I am a major procrastinator. I do well when I HAVE to get something done, but I am not so good at creating that drive within myself for the stuff that I want to get done. I am reading your blog, and thinking about how what you have to say applies to my life. Very interesting.

One more thing, I finished my application for a pretty substantial scholarship and got it turned in today. Wish me luck. The next step is an interview, which I haven’t had to do in years, so I am a bit sketched out by that, but I am sure it will be fine. I could really use that $$ so it would be great if I qualify… Think good thoughts for me

bored but not sleeping Tuesday March 25, 2008

I am just bumming around the house, not cleaning, but not sleeping the day away either.  I made plans to have lunch with a friend tomorrow, so I am looking forward to that.  I haven’t seen her in quite a while so it should be good, she’s always got some good gossip   I think I am going to trek my ass over to the library and return some long overdue books, and maybe read some magazines or something.  Fuck, why have I lost the ability to entertain myself?  I know I used to do stuff, I just can’t seem to remember what it was.  Probably getting high… When did I become so fucking boring?  I raked leaves from my yard this morning, but couldn’t bring myself to do any actual gardening.  I wish that there was some magic pill for motivation, goddess knows I could use some.

As I was finishing up that last entry Monday March 24, 2008

Mr. A&J came home from work, and asked me how my day was.  All of a sudden I was weeping, telling him about how much this blog means to me.  How it feels like a lifeline sometimes, and how much it amazes and awes me that other people read it and find truth in my words.  He told me that he was so proud of the work that I am doing and that of course people respond to what I write, because I tell my truth.  God, I love that man.

And then…  He said why don’t we get some old bread together and go feed the ducks after we pick up the little ones from school.  A family outing?!?  Holy shit!   I am blown away by the re-connection that is happening here.  Is it possible that we may find our way through this labyrinth of life and still be holding hands at the end of it?  I was really starting to wonder for a while, but I have new hope.  I think we might just make it.

another day in the life Monday March 24, 2008

So I am officially on break now.  I ran the kids to school and went back to bed.  This is my one day of sleeping all day.  I promised myself that I would not sleep my entire break away, but  I can tell it’s going to be a struggle.  Sleep is such sweet escape from all of life’s struggles.   I missed therapy, my last session with this guy, because for some reason I made my appt for a different time than usual and then forgot about it until it was too late to get there.  I don’t really feel too bad about it though, it kind of seems that we have gotten to the end of what he can do for me anyway.

I talked to Mr. A&J last night about a new plan for doing good things for myself since the therapy gig isn’t really doing much for me right now.  We decided that I would continue to put away the $15 a week, and spend it on doing something good for me.  Every week.  The list we came up with included acupuncture at the student clinic, drop in yoga,  going out to eat with a friend, doing a session of drop in therapy if I feel like I could use it, or going to a movie.  I am sure that there are other things that I could do for $15, but that’s what we came up with.  I think that that may be a bit more satisfying to my soul than sitting in a room re-hashing old bullshit.  I want to get on with my life already.  I am tired of living in the past.  Any other ideas anyone has are welcome, I am not the best at thinking up positive ways to spend my time or money.

I am not under any delusion that I am now recovered or healed or anything like that, but it seems like doing some things out in the real world might be good for me.  I tend to be reclusive and  anti-social when left to my own devices, so I think that leaving my hovel and being out in the world is probably a good thing, as uncomfortable as it sounds to me right now.

The weekend was good, we egg-hunted with my little A&Js and little cappie, and mama cappie and I got a chance to hang out a bit.  It was good to see her, I have missed her a lot lately.  We are both in a bit of a strange place right now, it seems, and we both like to stay home just a bit too much   But I love her to death, and hanging out with her feels more like productive therapy than what I pay money for.  She always knows how to help me put things in perspective in a way that still makes me feel good about myself.  Okay, enough gushing about how much I love my cappie, I don’t want to embarrass her or anything…

a junky moment Thursday March 20, 2008

That’s the only way that I can really explain it. Today, after napping much of the day away thanks to the flu and the fact that I had no class, I woke up sweaty and feeling off kilter. I went to sit on the stoop in the sunshine and have a stogie and try to get my head together. All of a sudden I was queasy in that I-want-to-get-high kind of way and my nose was practically itching for a bump. I started to get panicky for a bit, chain smoked a couple of Camels and tried to figure out why I was feeling that way.

I had to deal with more crap having to do with my Grandma’s probate this morning; I have been sick; I hadn’t taken my dose of Suboxone for the day; I wrote all that crap about doing good yesterday… whatever it was it was making me jones like a motherfucker. So I went in the kitchen and took my meds and waited for the gross ass orange pill to melt and my nerves to mellow out. It seemed to take forever, but eventually I started to feel better and made myself a cup of coffee.  I sat and soaked up the bits of sun that were making it through the clouds, drank my coffee, smoked too much, and felt grateful for the fact that I had survived those moments of freakout.

I realize that it was minor in the scheme of things, but for me it was a reminder to not let my guard down. I am still healing from my mistakes and I will be for a long time. I am not and will never be perfect, as hard as that is for me to swallow. The thing I keep trying to remind myself is that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t expect other people to be, and no one expects me to be either.

I don’t know why I feel such a need to be good at everyfuckingthing, but I do. I accept and even adore the imperfections of my friends and loved ones, but in myself they are sources of great shame, especially when they are about my addiction. I do not like my inadequacies in general to be exposed, especially if I have not accepted them within myself already. I am trying to let go of this quality within myself but it is hard. I have got to stay on track with the life that I want to have, and it is hard for me to accept that it is going to be a lot of hard work for a long time.

I need to meditate on imperfection, I think. If I can accept my other imperfections I think that I would be better able to accept my occasional cravings and triggers for what they are; signals that I need something. What do they say… HALT, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Today, I think it was a combo of those things and more. Sadness, sickness, loneliness for sure, and I hadn’t eaten yet. But I think it was also because I was alone for the second day in a row. I need to make sure that during my break (after tomorrow) I keep myself busy. Sitting around doing nothing is not good for me. I don’t do well without some structure. So I will try to make some plans at least with myself for things to do outside of the house. That seems to be the main factor. Staying home all day by myself does not make me want to clean or organize, as much as I wish it did. I will have to get out of the house and actually do some stuff to stimulate my mind and body.

I am reminded of the saying “Beauty is in the imperfections.” I think that will be my mantra for a while. I have got to get rid of this shame bullshit and move forward. I am doing well, and I deserve this life of good things and people that love me for who I am, faults and all. I love them, and I need to love myself at least that much. Not easy, but I have to if I want to truly be happy. I think I may be onto something here, I am sure that I will have more to say later…

pat on the back Tuesday March 18, 2008

Yep. I am going to celebrate a few of my accomplishments since I have started Suboxone and therapy. (Oct ‘07)

*I have officially completed one whole quarter of school without taking a single day off due to my depression. I did all of my homework and even got good grades! This one is huge for me.

*I am registered for next quarter, I did not put it off, nor did I register for the easiest classes that I could find in case I started to spin out into depression land.

*I can sleep appropriate amounts of time, and I am not exhausted all of the time (no more insomnia, no more sleeping all day and night)

*I have continued therapy and even found a new therapist when I needed to without getting overwhelmed or putting it off. And I actually go to my appointments.

*My relationships at home are improving and healing from my previous inablilty to be fully engaged. My kids talk to me more, and I yell at them less. Mr. A&J and I are working hard to maintain the relationship that we want, and aren’t just settling for the relationship that happens.

*For the most part, our bills are paid, and we don’t owe people money. Medical bills are another story, but we are doing pretty well with our financial responsibilities considering how we have been in the past.

*I am getting exercise most every day, outside, and liking it.

*I am making a true effort at eating proper meals and getting good nutrition, even when the pounds keep piling on.

*I haven’t had a panic attack in ages.

These are huge changes for me and I feel like I need to acknowledge that so many things in my life have improved so dramatically. For so so long I have planned my life with the knowledge that at any point I could become cripplingly depressed. My depression is sneaky and insidious, attacking me when I least expect it. But it has been gone for quite a while. Last week’s blues turned into the flu, so that explains that.

I am now trying to live my life without worrying “What if I get depressed”. I can make plans without worrying that I will have to cancel because I am too depressed to handle whatever it is, however small it is , because if I am depressed it will probably feel insurmountable. Thinking in this new way is making me realize how much power there is in that “what if”, how much of my life I was willing to give up, sleep through, avoid because of my depression. I do not want that life anymore. It’s not that I think I am doing some kind of pulling myself up by the bootstraps kind of crap, I don’t believe in that. I really think that the Suboxone is making the difference. And I hope to hell that it keeps working.

on the up side Thursday March 13, 2008

Mr A&J and I shared a totally steamy look before he left for his OTHER job tonight…  I think I may be getting lucky tonight!!

it always comes back Thursday March 13, 2008

So my delusion that Suboxone would forever end my chronic depression is quickly fading.  My skies are becoming more grey and cloudy, the sun is hard to see.  I know where this goes, I go from funky, to exhausted and distracted, to totally depressed.  It can be hours, days, or weeks  for me to get through those phases, but that is the pattern.  Right now I’m funky, leaning toward exhausted.  I feel like I could stay in bed for a few days right now, and not only would it not help anything, but I would still be exhausted.  I think that it is my getaway, the place where I can just fade and not have to think.

The financial state of my life is contributing greatly, as well as this crap with my grandma’s probate, and having finals all week is leaving me depleted, stressed out, and looking for an out.  There is no fucking out.  Thats always the thing.  There is no fucking out.  I can’t go to bed for a week, I can’t hop a plane to the Bahamas, and I can’t even take a day off.  There is no such thing in this life right now.  And that is probably all I really need.  Some time to myself when I am not studying, stressing about $$, or dealing with family shit.  Even therapy is not a solace at this point.  I just end up rehashing all of the crap that is stressing me and feel no resolution at the end.  I mean I know I need to go and all, but it just isn’t doing much for me right now. And I am constantly scrambling for the cash to pay for it even though it is only $15.

Please, please let these next days go quickly and let me get to my 2 week break so I can sleep, and maybe write, and try to sort out what the hell is going on with me.  I don’t want to break down, but it is starting to feel inevitable.  I am not sure I can make it another week before I get to feed my soul, have some privacy and no deadlines.