hell-O-ween Wednesday October 31, 2007

Trick-or-treating almost killed me.  I am tired.  C had the flu for the last 2 days and today he was grumpy but attached at my hip.  FUN.  That’s my husband, by the way. I’m not sure I have introduced him…aka mesomeuc

Yesterday was our 11 year anniversary.  He was puking with the flu so I invited my mom over and made shrimp pesto linguine and Caesar salad for dinner to celebrate, even though C was in bed.  I was feeling great for once, so I figured I shouldn’t waste it Mom came over and helped my daughter with her homework and my son do art projects while I made dinner and washed dishes.  It was nice. I actually enjoyed her company.  It was the first time in a long time that I remember that my mom being over (she lives next door, by the way, so she is here all the freaking time) and I wasn’t completely irritated.  Probably because I wasn’t trying to sneak off and get high.

So anyway, all night all C and I did was bicker.  Trick-or-treating and arguing, oh so much fun.  I was trying to just have a good time, but he was being such a pain in the ass.  At least that’s my version lol…

C I know you are reading this and what I have to say is not meant to make you feel bad, you can skip to the next paragraph if you want, but you don’t have to.  I am venting here.  This is my place to say whatever, so I don’t want to hear about any of this other than as a reply.  /disclaimer… I feel like I am really missing the close relationship that we used to have.  I don’t actually remember when we had that, but I know we did once.  There was a time when it felt like we shared our skin, our eyes, our breath we were so close.  We spent hours just staring at each other, touching foreheads and staring into each other’s eyes.  Probably before we had kids, I guess.  Long ago, at any rate.  It seems like my needs and wants get seem to get overlooked all the time for the sake of the kids, the fact that we have no $$, friends who need whatever, and I am tired of being last. I am sure that he feels the same things, but he never expresses such thoughts.  I know that’s dramatic and all, but really.  I need to feel important.  I need to be first sometimes.  Most of the time, actually.  It is in my nature.  I want to be the most important person in the world to my husband.  I need constant reassurance.  I am just that kind of girl.  Say what you will, but that’s me.  Poor C, he is working so hard, and hurting so much, but dammit he just doesn’t think.  Why can’t he realize that I need him so much right now.  He just isn’t here, in body or mind.  And when he is here his phone is ringing and he is on his way somewhere else, making plans that I can’t keep up with.  He leaves before I wake and comes home after I am sleeping at least half of the time.  Granted he is here for some time in the middle, but it seems to be for a shower and a visit with Mary Jane and he’s off again.  I miss him.  My feelings are hurt and he just doesn’t know what to do with that.  How come guys don’t know how to apologize?  He can tell our kids how to do it, but he can’t seem to do it himself.  I love that man.  I just want to feel like I am not living alone.  Blah.

On other fronts, I am now getting 6 mg of Suboxone daily in addition to the implant.  This week and next of that regimen, and then I will get the 5th implant sometime in the following week, probably that Tuesday.  I am feeling so so so much better.  There are no words for it.  I absolutely cannot explain what it feels like to have 30 years of pain and sadness lifted off of my shoulders.  I don’t know where it went.  I don’t know if it is waiting for me somewhere, waiting for me to fail or fall, but it feels good to be rid of it for now.  Hopefully with therapy we can get some of that pain dealt with before they set me loose from therapy.  I feel strong right now, so I feel like I can do the work I need to do,  I am glad I have twice a week therapy because I think it will really really help me.  Maybe I can figure some of this shit out with C, I want what we had back.  We have our moments of greatness, but I know that we can have that more often that not.  It always comes back.  Every time.  I love that man, but relationships are fucking hard.  I am changing so much right now, I don’t think he knows what to expect from me right now.  It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing lately.

an open invitation Tuesday October 30, 2007

To any of you out there in web land who are reading this blog.  If you are in recovery, if you are trying to decide if Suboxone is right for you, if you are depressed, if you are a mother who struggles with mental illness or addiction, I want to hear from you.  I need support.  And I truly believe that support is a flow of energy.  That means that if I can help you with my words, then you can help me with yours.  Leave me a comment, send me a link to your blog or page.  I want to widen my safety net, and I am really getting attached to reading the kind words that are left for me when I am struggling.  It really does help.  So, to all of you out there, say hello, or help, or whatever it is that you are thinking.  I need you all.

quick Monday October 29, 2007

I only have 3 minutes before I have to go get the kids from the bus. BUT I saw my people today (study coordinator, doctor, therapist), all of whom were very sorry for what I went through this weekend. My doc immediately gave me 4mg dose of Sub in the office, along with 6mg to take home (1mg later today, and then 5mg for tomorrow). I started feeling better in no time flat. I am so relieved and happy that all of this weekend’s drama is over. So, it looks like I will be supplementing with the Suboxone for 2 weeks, and then I will get a 5th implant put in, which should solve the problem. Woooooohoooooo. I can’t even put into words how relieved I am. I was getting really spun out on the idea of having gotten a placebo and having to figure out what the hell to do next. So, I gotta run, but thanks for all of the kind words when I needed to hear them so badly.

Oh, and hello SuboxoneMom. I am glad to have you reading and helping me with your experiences. The more support the better, right? Do you have a blog I can read? I can’t seem to find a link…

crap Friday October 26, 2007

Just took a Vicoden.  not good…  but I will try not to be hard on myself about it.  I was freaking out.  Chills sweats, the whole shebang.  I don’t know what the fuck is up with this implant.  I don’t know if it is working or not and I am so so frustrated.   Gotta run and take the kids to a Halloween carnival that we are now an hour late for cause C was stuck in traffic.  He just walked in the door so he is changing and we are (finally) off…

what do u want from me Friday October 26, 2007

my new obsession:

I know I haven’t been writing much.  I am kind of trying to find (discover?) my groove right now.  Things are kind of strange with this implant.  I am pretty sure I didn’t get the placebo, but I think I am under-dosed right now with the 4 implants.  I talked to my study coordinator today and the doctor won’t be in until Mon.  He does know how I am feeling, but I think he wants me to tough it out a bit and see where I land.  I can understand that line of thought, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to get through my days… I will see my the study doc on Monday and probably do oral supplementing, like maybe another 4mg of the Sub/day and see if that helps.  If I need that for 2 weeks running (which I probably will…) then I can get a 5th implant put in and that should bring me back up to where I was for those blissful 5 days that I was on the oral.  I was feeling so great, it is hard to feel like the depression is creeping back into my periphery and it makes me panic.  But.  I HAVE to wait until Monday.  There isn’t anything I can do about it, so wish me strength for the weekend, and I will try not to be too hard on myself (thanks bottlecappie for the reminder )

Oh, and I start therapy on Mon, twice a week.  I am really looking forward to that, hopefully it will give me a place to get some of this shit out without worrying about how ANYBODY feels about it.  So.  Yeah.  I have to go try and create some Halloween costumes with no money and no craft stuff.  Wish me luck.

for bottlecappie Monday October 22, 2007

I did this for you my love…

to survivorkara Monday October 22, 2007

You know, in all of the years I have known you, you were never a person that I felt I could count on. Now that you are free of your addiction you are becoming a person that I can really relate to. I have always cared for you, don’t get me wrong, but your were someone that I had to be careful around. You know me, I get hurt easily, and it hurt me to see what was happening to you, by your own hand. I am incredibly proud and inspired by you and how you have changed. It is beautiful, like you have been reborn or uncovered or something. I don’t know what it is, but I think what I am seeing is the real you. The caring, honest, strong woman and mother that you really are. I just can’t believe that it is really possible for a person to change that much in such a short amount of time. It gives me hope for myself Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I love you and I am really really proud of you.

Borrowed… Sunday October 21, 2007

Depression is a term commonly used to describe a sad or down mood, or the loss of pleasure in normally pleasurable activities. Major Depressive Disorder is a clinical disease that is typified by an overwhelming sadness, despair, and melancholy. In the Depressed person, this mood state advances to the point of being destructive to an individual’s ability to maintain personal hygiene, friendships, relationships and/or keep a job. Symptoms of Depression include change in appetite, marked weight gain or loss, disturbed sleep patterns, including insomnia, loss of REM sleep, or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping), psychomotor agitation or retardation, fatigue, overwhelming feelings of guilt, nervousness, helplessness, hopelessness, isolation, anxiety, trouble concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions leading to a decrease in overall cognition (also callled “poverty of thought”), recurrent thoughts of death, desire to just “lie down and die”, or “stop breathing”, recurrent suicidal ideation with or without a plan, and suicide attempts.

Other symptoms, which are not necessarily relevant to diagnosis, but which may be present include self-loathing, a decrease in self-esteem, sensitivity to noise, physical aches and pains, fear of going crazy, change in perception of time, periods of uncontrollable sobbing, sudden behavioral changes, such as aggression and or irritability, a feeling of impending doom, avoiding social situations or being late often, excessive procrastination, and excessive use of drugs and or alcohol.

So that is from the The Snake Pit’s blog…The bold is mine, the symptoms that are my part of my daily life. Until now. For the first time I can remember, including my torturous childhood, I no longer fit into that category. First of all, I have never read such a well written description of what my depression was like, especially the sensitivity to noise part. I most definitely experience that, and have never seen it connected to depressive symptoms until now. It was just like that. I hope that I can maintain this place of healing that I am in. I never want to feel like that again. I think that is my biggest fear right now. Falling back in the pit. I don’t know if I can do it again. I feel like I will drown in my own sadness. I want to be well. I want to be well. I want to be well.

Sunday Sunday October 21, 2007

I am feeling so much better, it is almost unbelievable. I have been thinking about my good friend bottlecappie a lot, knowing the big leap that she is about to make. I was such a wreck before my induction onto Suboxone. My mind was a battlefield. I was horrified and terrified and so hopeful but not wanting to hope too much. It was really scary. So today I am thing good thoughts for her and strong woman power is shooting from me straight to her.

Myself, I am trying to do a lot of projects that have been put off too long. We bought this house in August (well that’s when we moved in) and there is still a whole room full of boxes. That is supposed to be the kids playroom/guestroom. Well guess what? We are having guests so I have to find my way through 8597493q9887 boxes of miscelaneous crap and actually sort it out and then actually put it all away. Fun. But it actually feels good to be doing something productive (except, I guess I am not being productive right now, am I?) and I am really excited to get that room together so I can send my kids to go play somewhere other that up my ass, which is the pnly place they seem to want to be right now. Maybe it is because I am coming back. I would imagine that they can see the changes in me and are happy to see the real me again. Whan I think of it that way, it is actually nice that they are so happy to have me with them, not laying sick on the couch, or buzzing around, too high to pay attention. Yeah. This is definately better.

Ok. Back to work for me.

another day Friday October 19, 2007

I haven’t been to school in a week. I don’t think I plan on going next week either. I should find out how to to a hardship withdrawal so I don’t fuck up my FinAid cause I don’t think that I can make up 2 weeeks of a 10 week quarter.  At least not without drugs for some good ol’ artificial energy.  Maybe. I guess I will just feel that one out when I get there.  Getting well is definitely my top priority right now, and I am not quite ready for the real world yet.  I feel like I have no skin, everything is just right there on the surface.

I feel like all of my energy (yeah, I actually do have some!) is being sucked up just trying to heal. I didn’t realize how little I was eating, or how out of hand a lot of things in my house have become. It is all coming into focus now, and it is requiring all of my attention. It’s like how that hippy childbirth book Spiritual Midwifery described labor… Don’t think of it as pain, think of a contraction as an interesting sensation that is requiring all of your attention. Uh-huh. Whatever. It’s for a good cause and all, but it is still PAIN damn it.

And so is this.  It is diffuse and odd, but it is still pain.  I can think about what a wrong turn my life has taken, and how hard it is going to be for me to get to where I want to be.  I see how much I have been fucking up and it is really hard to swallow.  I don’t want to make excuses anymore.  This is my life and I went and messed it up (with a few helping hands along the way) and now I have to figure out how to make it (me) better.

My kids are both sleeping over with a friend tonight so me and my man are going to spend some time together.  I’m glad I managed not to fuck that up.  He is my hero and my knight in shining armor and everything that I ever could want in a man.  I love him with my entire being and I don’t know how I would ever get through this without his support.  So, tonight, love.  Tomorrow, rest.  Life is pretty good today after all I guess.