Trick-or-treating almost killed me. I am tired. C had the flu for the last 2 days and today he was grumpy but attached at my hip. FUN. That’s my husband, by the way. I’m not sure I have introduced him…aka mesomeuc
Yesterday was our 11 year anniversary. He was puking with the flu so I invited my mom over and made shrimp pesto linguine and Caesar salad for dinner to celebrate, even though C was in bed. I was feeling great for once, so I figured I shouldn’t waste it 
Mom came over and helped my daughter with her homework and my son do art projects while I made dinner and washed dishes. It was nice. I actually enjoyed her company. It was the first time in a long time that I remember that my mom being over (she lives next door, by the way, so she is here all the freaking time) and I wasn’t completely irritated. Probably because I wasn’t trying to sneak off and get high.
So anyway, all night all C and I did was bicker. Trick-or-treating and arguing, oh so much fun. I was trying to just have a good time, but he was being such a pain in the ass. At least that’s my version lol…
C I know you are reading this and what I have to say is not meant to make you feel bad, you can skip to the next paragraph if you want, but you don’t have to. I am venting here. This is my place to say whatever, so I don’t want to hear about any of this other than as a reply. /disclaimer… I feel like I am really missing the close relationship that we used to have. I don’t actually remember when we had that, but I know we did once. There was a time when it felt like we shared our skin, our eyes, our breath we were so close. We spent hours just staring at each other, touching foreheads and staring into each other’s eyes. Probably before we had kids, I guess. Long ago, at any rate. It seems like my needs and wants get seem to get overlooked all the time for the sake of the kids, the fact that we have no $$, friends who need whatever, and I am tired of being last. I am sure that he feels the same things, but he never expresses such thoughts. I know that’s dramatic and all, but really. I need to feel important. I need to be first sometimes. Most of the time, actually. It is in my nature. I want to be the most important person in the world to my husband. I need constant reassurance. I am just that kind of girl. Say what you will, but that’s me. Poor C, he is working so hard, and hurting so much, but dammit he just doesn’t think. Why can’t he realize that I need him so much right now. He just isn’t here, in body or mind. And when he is here his phone is ringing and he is on his way somewhere else, making plans that I can’t keep up with. He leaves before I wake and comes home after I am sleeping at least half of the time. Granted he is here for some time in the middle, but it seems to be for a shower and a visit with Mary Jane and he’s off again. I miss him. My feelings are hurt and he just doesn’t know what to do with that. How come guys don’t know how to apologize? He can tell our kids how to do it, but he can’t seem to do it himself. I love that man. I just want to feel like I am not living alone. Blah.
On other fronts, I am now getting 6 mg of Suboxone daily in addition to the implant. This week and next of that regimen, and then I will get the 5th implant sometime in the following week, probably that Tuesday. I am feeling so so so much better. There are no words for it. I absolutely cannot explain what it feels like to have 30 years of pain and sadness lifted off of my shoulders. I don’t know where it went. I don’t know if it is waiting for me somewhere, waiting for me to fail or fall, but it feels good to be rid of it for now. Hopefully with therapy we can get some of that pain dealt with before they set me loose from therapy. I feel strong right now, so I feel like I can do the work I need to do, I am glad I have twice a week therapy because I think it will really really help me. Maybe I can figure some of this shit out with C, I want what we had back. We have our moments of greatness, but I know that we can have that more often that not. It always comes back. Every time. I love that man, but relationships are fucking hard. I am changing so much right now, I don’t think he knows what to expect from me right now. It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing lately.
Look at all that you have done today……
Not only did you go trick-or-treating with your children, you actually did it “straight”…….
You had your mom over for dinner….and………
*insert drumroll please*….. you enjoyed her company! Plus, YOU COOKED A FABULOUS MEAL!!
On the relationship front: go easy. Not only does hubby not know what to expect from you, but YOU don’t know what to expect yet….. Just wait! The joy is IN the journey.
Everything does not get better over night, nor should it. You will come to appreciate the smaller gestures that you have missed since you were high half the time!
Side note: I lost my mom 10 years ago, to ovarian cancer. She was only 59. Enjoy your mom while you have her…… I miss my mother every single day and think of her so often, especially how she would have enjoyed seeing Ty (8yrs old) in his spongebob costume tonight! And she would have gotten a kick out of me telling her that when I went to check in on him at midnight, (for a light kiss and to pull his covers back on him) I found that his pillowcase of candy was UNDER his head, for fear of his older brother finding it!!! I could see the smile and her laughter now…..
Hugs,
Janice
PS: Be proud of yourself! Patience my dear…..
“I need to feel important. I need to be first sometimes. Most of the time, actually. It is in my nature. I want to be the most important person in the world to my husband. I need constant reassurance. I am just that kind of girl. Say what you will, but that’s me.”
Ok, other me, we are the same. fucking. person. So I will say things to you with the bluntness that you know and respect and can dish up better than anyone else I know besides myself.
You have to figure out what has to happen for you to feel important, specifically, and then you have to ask for it, specifically. “I need to feel important” is waaaayyyy to vague of a need for anyone to figure out how to make happen.
Do you need C to bring you flowers? Rub your feet every night? Talk to you more about your life together? Tell you what he’s up to with all that running-of-errands? Burn you a mix CD of love songs?
How will you know that you are the most important person in the world to your husband?
Will it be when he tells you? Writes it in the sky? I think you get my point, no?
Until you know exactly what you want, and what you need, and know how to verbalize it, you will be going in circles. I know, becasue I do this to Mr. B.
I tell him: I need you here, because I am freaking out and scared/sad/anxious/lonely.
But I also tell him: I need to know that the rent will be paid, because worrying about $ makes me scared/anxious/sad.
So my two needs are conflicting, because he has to go out to make $ – so there has to be prioritizing, and it has to be negotiated, and sometimes I have to find other ways to get my needs met because he can’t be everywhere at once.
I will tell you that many times C has been at my house and he has said: I dont care if I have to work 7 days a week so that Angst doesn’t have to work while she goes to school. The most important thing is that she’s doing what she wants to be doing, so she can be happy.
But maybe that isn’t what you need. Maybe he is doing what he thinks he should be doing, to show you how important you are, but what you REALLY need is something different? I don’t know.
I do know that when your man talks about you, the love he feels for you lights up his eyes – even when I can tell he is dead-ass tired. He is so happy that you’re feeling better, the relief he is feeling is obvious, but so is the strain of the last few months.
I know that I can see now how much my disfunction was hurting Mr.B – and I can tell that he needs some time to be the one who gets to be taken care of, or at least some time to take care of himself.
I understand that feeling of being last, of never having my needs met, of feeling left out of plans that you probably didn’t want to be included in anyway, of being out of the loop. I know the hurt feelings- the ones where you can’t even really put your finger on the reason why your feelings are hurt – but they are hurt nonetheless.
For me, I am coming to see, it has a lot to do with feeling like MrB can have a life outside of being a parent/spouse. He comes and goes, and assumes I’ll be there, he doesn’t seem so saddled with the guilt I feel for every second I steal for myself. If he wants to go for a hike, he calls up his buddies and goes. For some reason, I really resent the hell out of that.
Anyway. I am rambling and now a bunch of drunk-ass guys are in my living room and I can’t think. I guess the point is that we have to figure out what we need, and how we can get it, and then work out with our boys how they can be part of that -and how we can do the same for them.
And I am sorry if I’m sounding all preachy, I don’t mean it that way. God knows that I don’t have a fucking thing figured out. I just hear myself, almost verbatim, in your ranting/venting, and then I have a moment of DUH! and so I’m sharing. It’s too loud in here now, I gotta go.
Stay strong. You are amazing, and you are on the verge of having the life you’ve been dreaming of. We both are. I love you.
I so adore you, bottlecappie. *big fluffy pink sparkley crazy-assed puffy heart goes here*