burnt Thursday November 1, 2007

Somewhere along the way this afternoon I just all of a sudden became extremely irritable and burnt out.  I was doing fine, just chugging along, and then WHAM bitchiness all over the place.  C is STILL FUCKING PUKING.  All I wanted to do today was come home from therapy and take a bath and meditate, but, no, that man was barfing every 10 minutes in the one bathroom that we own.  Not that it is his fault, I just really needed some recovery time today and I didn’t get it.  Now I have to finish getting my house Sister, Aunt, and Grandma ready while 2 candy-crazed bratty kids yell at me about how everything I do sucks and how I cook crappy food.  Blah.

I really want to get in the bath and just tell them all to screw themselves, but ya know that ain’t gonna happen.  So, I will cook for ungrateful people, then I will clean up after them, then I will clean the nether-regions of my house so my grandma doesn’t talk shit about me to my relatives, then I will care for th incredible barfing man, then I will cry, then I will sleep.  Then I will do it all again tomorrow.  Some days suck.

the progress report Thursday November 1, 2007

I had therapy again today. I LOVE my therapist. She is so understanding and thoughtful, and I am so grateful for the opportunity I have been given to be able to work with her. For free! Today was my second appt. with her and I feel like she is already really understanding what I need from her. I am totally willing to show up, which she is so happy about, but I also am open to really doing the work that needs to be done. We had a really good session today, and I swear at one point I saw a tear roll down her cheek. Now she would never be so unprofessional as to actually address that, but I saw it and it meant so so much to me. I have looked so long and so hard for the help (a qualified therapist) that I need. For one reason or another nothing ever worked out for me. But here before me is this grand opportunity, all I have to do is show up, work hard, and be honest. I can do that.

As for the Suboxone, I am now getting 4mg/day in addition to the implant and will be receiving the 5th implant on Tuesday. Hopefully that does the trick as far as the dosing goes. I am so looking forward to no more orange-vomit tabs. There is  a part of me that is stressing that the dosing won’t be enough still, or it just won’t work, or whatever, but I am trying to ride it out. There really is no way to predict, but it looks like I am in a pretty good position to be helped by the 5th implant. The fact that I am doing really well on 4-mg orally kind of tells me that the 4 sticks in my arm are doing something, they just aren’t doing enough. So I will cross my fingers and toes and try not to spin out about it. It will be what it is meant to be. As bottlecappie put it, I have been randomized.

urge to get sucked off by an old mother Thursday November 1, 2007

WTF?!?!?! According to my handy-dandy blog stats thingamabob, someone typed that into Google or whatever and got to this here blog. Weird. But you know what’s funny? I read that and I thought to myself, “Well, at least I’m not as screwed up as I could be…” Who are you Mr or Miss UTGSOBAOM? And are you trying to say I’m old??? You sound interesting, I want to know what’s all about. What the fuck happened to you that you happen to now spend time typing things like that into search engines? Do you spend all day watching bad internet porn? Is it a fetish or a problem that you are looking for help with? I am so curious. I doubt you will come out of hiding, but I wish you would. Well, actually maybe not. Yeah, probably no.

And why am I rambling to some obviously strange internet weird-o instead of doing something else right now? Well, this is better than listening to my poor husband puking, and this way I am distracted enough not to hear it. Especially with the tv on.

thought for the morning Thursday November 1, 2007

When one is getting ready to go to therapy it is wise to skip the mascara.  That is all.

Oh, and C is puking again after a short recovery yesterday.  He is the most miserable sick person I know.  I hope he sleeps it off today.