The family (extra relatives anyway) have returned home. The kids are watching movies and gorging on halloween candy. C is feeling better, and is actually home! The house is clean, and there is no projects that are pressing at the moment, so we are just chill.
I am going to my first “meeting” tonight. I looked at the AA website and I found a candlelight meeting tonight that is near my house. Candles are nice, at least there will be that… My therapist has convinced me that I should at least check a few out BEFORE I try to tell her that they suck and are stupid. That really is how I think I feel, but I made an agreement with myself to actually try to follow her advice. Um, mostly cause look where following my own instinct got me…. So, tonight, “Hi, my name is Angst and I am an addict.” Sweeeeeet. Good thing I have all day to build up nerve.
Oh, and today I have one week clean. Last weekend was shite, but I already wrote all about that, so I will just say that I am proud and feel kind of silly about it and also, cannot fucking believe that it has only been a week. It seems like a year. I seriously don’t even miss it much anymore. Suboxone is a fucking miracle and I can’t even imagine where I would be emotionally right now without it. Hmmmm. I am so grateful for this opportunity and I swear I am not going to fuck it up this time. Really. I am trying so hard, but even that seem kind of easy with the Sub. Fucking Miracle, I tell ya.
I am hoping that you actually keep an open mind about the meeting tonite. More importantly, I hope that if you do not like it there, you will try another meeting.
I have found that some AA’ers don’t care much for the “addict”, yet NA seemed (for me) too, uh…….
“trendy”?
Just be sure you go to a meeting marked “open” so that they will “accept” your addiction…….
AA has been a Godsend for me angst, seriously. Try to INDENTIFY with the feelings, don’t compare! The experience may surprise you……
Women’s meetings are also very good. Although in “recovery”, some men are still…well…men! Stick with the women because the men will pat you on the ass but the women will save your ass!
NA/AA are based on the same 12-step program. If you live your life by the principals of those 12-steps you will find that there are 12 promises that are made to you:
THE TWELVE PROMISES
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1)We are going to know a new freedom & a new happiness.
2)We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.
3)We will comprehend the word Serenity.
4)We will know peace.
5)No matter how far down the scale we’ve gone, we’ll see how our experiences can benefit others.
6)That feeling of uselessness & self-pity will disappear.
7)We will lose interest in selfish things & gain interest in our fellows.
8)Self-seeking will slip away.
9)Our whole attitude & outlook on life will change.
10)Fear of people & economic insecurity will leave us.
11)We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12)We will suddenly realize that God/Our Higher Power is doing for us what we could not to for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.They’re being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They’ll always materialize ~ if we work for them.
(Sorry my comments are so long *wink*)
PS: I am so proud of you! Your willingness will get you thru this, even if it seems at times your craziness will win out!
You are braver than me lady angst ~ I start therapy tomorrow and I sincerely hope that the subject of AA/NA doesn’t arise.
Yanno, I have 12 days today, but it doesn’t feel like it, because I’m still taking an opiate every day, and most days I’ve been taking a half a klonopin or so, and tizanidine, but those are prescribed to me. But yeah, clean…I guess I have a hard time giving myself that much credit. Being on Suboxone just feels more like a way of legitimizing my habit so that I’m not fucking myself up mentally with the ups and downs. In fact, I still don’t even know if my implants are working at all, because I was too freaked out to not take all my supplemental suboxone this weekend. I’m going to have to tell the doc to give me a lower dose tomorrow so I can see where I’m at with the Probuphine.
I honestly can’t tell if there is any drugs in those things or not. I feel the same every day as I did before I got them. SO confusing.
Good luck with the meeting tonight. I hope it’s full of awesome and supportive people and that you find some who you can relate to. Love you sister.
Janice, thanks for your encouragement, it really did make me feel braver walking through that door thinking of your words.
That is exactly the way I was feeling, cappie, but the 4mg supplemental has been enough so I think they are doing something. It sucks not knowing what is going on for such a long time in your own body. I had no idea that it could be so ambiguous. I thought I would know for sure right away if I had the placebo or not. Ha!
The meeting wasn’t too bad, the candles were nice and the people were ok… Still not sure if it’s for me, but there is a womens only meeting on Thursdays that I think I will try. They offer childcare and I figure I have more in common with other mothers that a bunch of old men. Thanks for the love ladies