my favorite poem Thursday December 6, 2007

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them
They think I’m telling lies
I say
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips
I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees
I say
It’s the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet
I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery
When I try to show them
They say they still can’t see
I say
It’s in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style
I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud
I say
It’s in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That’s me

affirmations Wednesday December 5, 2007

I can express my anger openly, honestly and appropriately.

I forgive myself and others who have hurt me.

I am surrounded my love.

I am a resourceful person.

I am calm and tranquil.

I touch those near me with love and gentleness.

I am not a victim.

I am at peace with myself.

I am in charge of my life.

I can trust all of my thoughts and emotions.

avoidance Wednesday December 5, 2007

Shall I write this evening about how I am a huge procrastinator?  Well I am.  I put off absolutely everything, from bills to important papers, school picture order forms, traffic tickets, homework, taxes,and apparently writing in my own fucking RECOVERY journal.  Why?  What is it about me that hates to deal with things that need my attention? I have no idea, but  I have always been this way, as long as I can remember.  It really shouldn’t surprise or anger me that my 8 year old puts off her homework, and fucks around picking her nose and doodling so much that she finally gets in trouble at school for it and then cries about how she is stupid and she doesn’t know why she does these things, but she’s really really sorry.  Just like me, poor thing. So.  I don’t know why I didn’t want to do this, but here I am.

I went to an NA meeting tonight.  I don’t know why, but I just felt like it.  It was ok.  I don’t know what I expect to receive from going there.  I don’t feel particularly interested in participating right now.  I just like to be there and feel the vibe.  I know that a lot of people feel that you really have to “work it” to get any real benefit from these meetings, and I may get there at some point, but for right now, I just like to listen, and maybe read the promises and feel the humm of a dozen women that are all working really hard right now, just like me.  I am trying to feel like it is my right to say to C that I have a meeting and I have to be gone for an hour, but I still feel really insecure about the whole thing.  Like it is shameful somehow, or that I am weak for needing to feel that thing that women, mothers of all walks of life share.  We work.  We struggle to do a good job, sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t.  We worry.  We feel guilty and scared sometimes.  And we feel joy.  Joy at the lives that we have created, and hope for their futures.  Hopes that we are somehow doing a better job of raising our children than our parents did.  Struggles with our lovers and money and balancing it all.  Fear that we may fall off the tightrope lose everything.  I need to be surrounded by the voices of other women right now, and I guess this is a way I can meet that need.