ladies that lunch Wednesday March 26, 2008

Is this what it’s like to be one of those stay at home soccer moms? Nothing to all day but entertain myself and have lunch with friends and maybe tidy up a bit? It is a strange life, I must say.

My little A&J was in a play at school last night. She had a speaking part, even! She looked so grown up and beautiful, I couldn’t believe how much she has changed since she first graced that stage three years ago. Time is flying by so quickly for them, while for me it just stagnates. It doesn’t seem to matter how far I progress in my life, I still have the same problems, the same dramas. I think I want a new life. Can I trade this one in for a newer model? I will keep the features I like, and replace the crap thankyouverymuch.

I heard what you said, Mr. procrasti-NATION, and I am working on it. I have plenty of goals and dreams, but I am a major procrastinator. I do well when I HAVE to get something done, but I am not so good at creating that drive within myself for the stuff that I want to get done. I am reading your blog, and thinking about how what you have to say applies to my life. Very interesting.

One more thing, I finished my application for a pretty substantial scholarship and got it turned in today. Wish me luck. The next step is an interview, which I haven’t had to do in years, so I am a bit sketched out by that, but I am sure it will be fine. I could really use that $$ so it would be great if I qualify… Think good thoughts for me

bored but not sleeping Tuesday March 25, 2008

I am just bumming around the house, not cleaning, but not sleeping the day away either.  I made plans to have lunch with a friend tomorrow, so I am looking forward to that.  I haven’t seen her in quite a while so it should be good, she’s always got some good gossip   I think I am going to trek my ass over to the library and return some long overdue books, and maybe read some magazines or something.  Fuck, why have I lost the ability to entertain myself?  I know I used to do stuff, I just can’t seem to remember what it was.  Probably getting high… When did I become so fucking boring?  I raked leaves from my yard this morning, but couldn’t bring myself to do any actual gardening.  I wish that there was some magic pill for motivation, goddess knows I could use some.

As I was finishing up that last entry Monday March 24, 2008

Mr. A&J came home from work, and asked me how my day was.  All of a sudden I was weeping, telling him about how much this blog means to me.  How it feels like a lifeline sometimes, and how much it amazes and awes me that other people read it and find truth in my words.  He told me that he was so proud of the work that I am doing and that of course people respond to what I write, because I tell my truth.  God, I love that man.

And then…  He said why don’t we get some old bread together and go feed the ducks after we pick up the little ones from school.  A family outing?!?  Holy shit!   I am blown away by the re-connection that is happening here.  Is it possible that we may find our way through this labyrinth of life and still be holding hands at the end of it?  I was really starting to wonder for a while, but I have new hope.  I think we might just make it.

another day in the life Monday March 24, 2008

So I am officially on break now.  I ran the kids to school and went back to bed.  This is my one day of sleeping all day.  I promised myself that I would not sleep my entire break away, but  I can tell it’s going to be a struggle.  Sleep is such sweet escape from all of life’s struggles.   I missed therapy, my last session with this guy, because for some reason I made my appt for a different time than usual and then forgot about it until it was too late to get there.  I don’t really feel too bad about it though, it kind of seems that we have gotten to the end of what he can do for me anyway.

I talked to Mr. A&J last night about a new plan for doing good things for myself since the therapy gig isn’t really doing much for me right now.  We decided that I would continue to put away the $15 a week, and spend it on doing something good for me.  Every week.  The list we came up with included acupuncture at the student clinic, drop in yoga,  going out to eat with a friend, doing a session of drop in therapy if I feel like I could use it, or going to a movie.  I am sure that there are other things that I could do for $15, but that’s what we came up with.  I think that that may be a bit more satisfying to my soul than sitting in a room re-hashing old bullshit.  I want to get on with my life already.  I am tired of living in the past.  Any other ideas anyone has are welcome, I am not the best at thinking up positive ways to spend my time or money.

I am not under any delusion that I am now recovered or healed or anything like that, but it seems like doing some things out in the real world might be good for me.  I tend to be reclusive and  anti-social when left to my own devices, so I think that leaving my hovel and being out in the world is probably a good thing, as uncomfortable as it sounds to me right now.

The weekend was good, we egg-hunted with my little A&Js and little cappie, and mama cappie and I got a chance to hang out a bit.  It was good to see her, I have missed her a lot lately.  We are both in a bit of a strange place right now, it seems, and we both like to stay home just a bit too much   But I love her to death, and hanging out with her feels more like productive therapy than what I pay money for.  She always knows how to help me put things in perspective in a way that still makes me feel good about myself.  Okay, enough gushing about how much I love my cappie, I don’t want to embarrass her or anything…

a junky moment Thursday March 20, 2008

That’s the only way that I can really explain it. Today, after napping much of the day away thanks to the flu and the fact that I had no class, I woke up sweaty and feeling off kilter. I went to sit on the stoop in the sunshine and have a stogie and try to get my head together. All of a sudden I was queasy in that I-want-to-get-high kind of way and my nose was practically itching for a bump. I started to get panicky for a bit, chain smoked a couple of Camels and tried to figure out why I was feeling that way.

I had to deal with more crap having to do with my Grandma’s probate this morning; I have been sick; I hadn’t taken my dose of Suboxone for the day; I wrote all that crap about doing good yesterday… whatever it was it was making me jones like a motherfucker. So I went in the kitchen and took my meds and waited for the gross ass orange pill to melt and my nerves to mellow out. It seemed to take forever, but eventually I started to feel better and made myself a cup of coffee.  I sat and soaked up the bits of sun that were making it through the clouds, drank my coffee, smoked too much, and felt grateful for the fact that I had survived those moments of freakout.

I realize that it was minor in the scheme of things, but for me it was a reminder to not let my guard down. I am still healing from my mistakes and I will be for a long time. I am not and will never be perfect, as hard as that is for me to swallow. The thing I keep trying to remind myself is that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t expect other people to be, and no one expects me to be either.

I don’t know why I feel such a need to be good at everyfuckingthing, but I do. I accept and even adore the imperfections of my friends and loved ones, but in myself they are sources of great shame, especially when they are about my addiction. I do not like my inadequacies in general to be exposed, especially if I have not accepted them within myself already. I am trying to let go of this quality within myself but it is hard. I have got to stay on track with the life that I want to have, and it is hard for me to accept that it is going to be a lot of hard work for a long time.

I need to meditate on imperfection, I think. If I can accept my other imperfections I think that I would be better able to accept my occasional cravings and triggers for what they are; signals that I need something. What do they say… HALT, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Today, I think it was a combo of those things and more. Sadness, sickness, loneliness for sure, and I hadn’t eaten yet. But I think it was also because I was alone for the second day in a row. I need to make sure that during my break (after tomorrow) I keep myself busy. Sitting around doing nothing is not good for me. I don’t do well without some structure. So I will try to make some plans at least with myself for things to do outside of the house. That seems to be the main factor. Staying home all day by myself does not make me want to clean or organize, as much as I wish it did. I will have to get out of the house and actually do some stuff to stimulate my mind and body.

I am reminded of the saying “Beauty is in the imperfections.” I think that will be my mantra for a while. I have got to get rid of this shame bullshit and move forward. I am doing well, and I deserve this life of good things and people that love me for who I am, faults and all. I love them, and I need to love myself at least that much. Not easy, but I have to if I want to truly be happy. I think I may be onto something here, I am sure that I will have more to say later…

pat on the back Tuesday March 18, 2008

Yep. I am going to celebrate a few of my accomplishments since I have started Suboxone and therapy. (Oct ‘07)

*I have officially completed one whole quarter of school without taking a single day off due to my depression. I did all of my homework and even got good grades! This one is huge for me.

*I am registered for next quarter, I did not put it off, nor did I register for the easiest classes that I could find in case I started to spin out into depression land.

*I can sleep appropriate amounts of time, and I am not exhausted all of the time (no more insomnia, no more sleeping all day and night)

*I have continued therapy and even found a new therapist when I needed to without getting overwhelmed or putting it off. And I actually go to my appointments.

*My relationships at home are improving and healing from my previous inablilty to be fully engaged. My kids talk to me more, and I yell at them less. Mr. A&J and I are working hard to maintain the relationship that we want, and aren’t just settling for the relationship that happens.

*For the most part, our bills are paid, and we don’t owe people money. Medical bills are another story, but we are doing pretty well with our financial responsibilities considering how we have been in the past.

*I am getting exercise most every day, outside, and liking it.

*I am making a true effort at eating proper meals and getting good nutrition, even when the pounds keep piling on.

*I haven’t had a panic attack in ages.

These are huge changes for me and I feel like I need to acknowledge that so many things in my life have improved so dramatically. For so so long I have planned my life with the knowledge that at any point I could become cripplingly depressed. My depression is sneaky and insidious, attacking me when I least expect it. But it has been gone for quite a while. Last week’s blues turned into the flu, so that explains that.

I am now trying to live my life without worrying “What if I get depressed”. I can make plans without worrying that I will have to cancel because I am too depressed to handle whatever it is, however small it is , because if I am depressed it will probably feel insurmountable. Thinking in this new way is making me realize how much power there is in that “what if”, how much of my life I was willing to give up, sleep through, avoid because of my depression. I do not want that life anymore. It’s not that I think I am doing some kind of pulling myself up by the bootstraps kind of crap, I don’t believe in that. I really think that the Suboxone is making the difference. And I hope to hell that it keeps working.

on the up side Thursday March 13, 2008

Mr A&J and I shared a totally steamy look before he left for his OTHER job tonight…  I think I may be getting lucky tonight!!

it always comes back Thursday March 13, 2008

So my delusion that Suboxone would forever end my chronic depression is quickly fading.  My skies are becoming more grey and cloudy, the sun is hard to see.  I know where this goes, I go from funky, to exhausted and distracted, to totally depressed.  It can be hours, days, or weeks  for me to get through those phases, but that is the pattern.  Right now I’m funky, leaning toward exhausted.  I feel like I could stay in bed for a few days right now, and not only would it not help anything, but I would still be exhausted.  I think that it is my getaway, the place where I can just fade and not have to think.

The financial state of my life is contributing greatly, as well as this crap with my grandma’s probate, and having finals all week is leaving me depleted, stressed out, and looking for an out.  There is no fucking out.  Thats always the thing.  There is no fucking out.  I can’t go to bed for a week, I can’t hop a plane to the Bahamas, and I can’t even take a day off.  There is no such thing in this life right now.  And that is probably all I really need.  Some time to myself when I am not studying, stressing about $$, or dealing with family shit.  Even therapy is not a solace at this point.  I just end up rehashing all of the crap that is stressing me and feel no resolution at the end.  I mean I know I need to go and all, but it just isn’t doing much for me right now. And I am constantly scrambling for the cash to pay for it even though it is only $15.

Please, please let these next days go quickly and let me get to my 2 week break so I can sleep, and maybe write, and try to sort out what the hell is going on with me.  I don’t want to break down, but it is starting to feel inevitable.  I am not sure I can make it another week before I get to feed my soul, have some privacy and no deadlines.

tired Tuesday March 11, 2008

I have a final tomorrow, my kids are still sick, and I am exhausted. I just want to sleep but I should study. Ok, maybe I’ll just go to bed. Is sleep more valuable that studying? I think I am going to have to find out the hard way this time. I paid good attention in class, and I know the topic pretty well, so I believe I will sleep now. Considering my kids havn’t let me have more that 40 min straight for the last 3 nights in a row, I could really use it before anyone pukes again or invades my bed with their tossing and turning burning up little bodies, asking me constantly for hugs, kisses, and drinks of water. Don’t they know it’s the middle of the night, finals week?!? I gotta sleep!

comfy and thoughtful Monday March 10, 2008

I am currently snuggled between my two little sickies watching the evil spongebob with my son and reading magazines with  my daughter.  They both still have fevers and now Mr. A&J does, too.  So far I am well…  I can only hope it stays that way.I guess Mr. A&J will have to take the day off tomorrow if the kiddos aren’t fever free by then.  I hope he has a sick day to use as we can’t afford to lose the pay.  Even Advil isn’t touching their fevers, so I guess we may have to go see the Dr if things don’t clear up soon.

It feels good to be home and taking care of them after being gone all day at school and such.  I miss that part of my life, being home with my kids all of the time, although it pretty much sucked ass back then.  I was so lonely and sad all the time, but looking back, there were some pretty awesome times too.  Being able to crawl into the big bed with my babies and nap the afternoons away, dashing off to the park on a whim with no thought of homework (theirs or mine!), nursing entire afternoons away while watching trash tv and reading stories to my toddler.

Maybe that’s where these baby urges that I am having are coming from.  My life was pretty unregimented back then, now I have schedules to keep up with, classes that I can’t miss, all kinds of pressure to be ON all the time.  There are no jammie days anymore.  That’s partly because my depression is better, I think, but also because I am freaking busy.  And for some reason my ovaries can’t seem to get the picture that that is not my life anymore.  Having a baby would not take me back to that place, I would just be unimaginably busy and trying to manage life with  a baby.  That is REALLY not what I want, even if my biological twinges are saying otherwise.  Thank the goddess for vasectomies or Mr. A&J would have given in to my crazy talk months ago and then I would really be screwed (although I would have health insurance, thanks to the state lol).  Eh, enough rambling, runny noses and hacking coughs need my attention, and I want to give it to them.