it’s been a while, and I don’t know why
But I miss this place and I miss getting my feelings out somewhere other than in my therapists office or on the phone to cappie…
Still on the sub-o boat, and doing well. Actually, I haven’t had a bout of depression since I started. I have had hard days, even weeks, but none of that cant-get-out-of-bed, the-world-is-horrible-and-its-all-my-fault kind of crap. I have actually spent entire weeks being happy, or at least fairly so. That is really new to me. Kind of scary even.
What the hell will my life be like without the suboxone??? I am terrified that I will fall off of the edge of the world, or drop out of school, or turn back to opiates, or for fucks sake something worse. Unspeakable things. BAD things.
I don’t even want to know. But chances are I will have to find out someday. And I really really don’t want to.
I just want to be well dammit. I want to be well without meds. Is that really so goddamn much to ask. I didn’t ask to be born into a family with a horrible history of depression and abusive behavior. And I certainly didn’t mean to hand this lovely little package off to my kids, but I imagine that I have. And I hate the thought if them ever struggling like I have.
Anyway, what I really came here to say is that I am ok. And I have been really busy staying in school(!) and trying to actually live my life. Not as easy as it sounds, especially when you have spent years and years trying to avoid everything around me. I miss the support that is here and I miss seeing my words written out in front of me. They seem more real that way. I will be back again soon, for real this time.
