That’s the only way that I can really explain it. Today, after napping much of the day away thanks to the flu and the fact that I had no class, I woke up sweaty and feeling off kilter. I went to sit on the stoop in the sunshine and have a stogie and try to get my head together. All of a sudden I was queasy in that I-want-to-get-high kind of way and my nose was practically itching for a bump. I started to get panicky for a bit, chain smoked a couple of Camels and tried to figure out why I was feeling that way.
I had to deal with more crap having to do with my Grandma’s probate this morning; I have been sick; I hadn’t taken my dose of Suboxone for the day; I wrote all that crap about doing good yesterday… whatever it was it was making me jones like a motherfucker. So I went in the kitchen and took my meds and waited for the gross ass orange pill to melt and my nerves to mellow out. It seemed to take forever, but eventually I started to feel better and made myself a cup of coffee. I sat and soaked up the bits of sun that were making it through the clouds, drank my coffee, smoked too much, and felt grateful for the fact that I had survived those moments of freakout.
I realize that it was minor in the scheme of things, but for me it was a reminder to not let my guard down. I am still healing from my mistakes and I will be for a long time. I am not and will never be perfect, as hard as that is for me to swallow. The thing I keep trying to remind myself is that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t expect other people to be, and no one expects me to be either.
I don’t know why I feel such a need to be good at everyfuckingthing, but I do. I accept and even adore the imperfections of my friends and loved ones, but in myself they are sources of great shame, especially when they are about my addiction. I do not like my inadequacies in general to be exposed, especially if I have not accepted them within myself already. I am trying to let go of this quality within myself but it is hard. I have got to stay on track with the life that I want to have, and it is hard for me to accept that it is going to be a lot of hard work for a long time.
I need to meditate on imperfection, I think. If I can accept my other imperfections I think that I would be better able to accept my occasional cravings and triggers for what they are; signals that I need something. What do they say… HALT, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Today, I think it was a combo of those things and more. Sadness, sickness, loneliness for sure, and I hadn’t eaten yet. But I think it was also because I was alone for the second day in a row. I need to make sure that during my break (after tomorrow) I keep myself busy. Sitting around doing nothing is not good for me. I don’t do well without some structure. So I will try to make some plans at least with myself for things to do outside of the house. That seems to be the main factor. Staying home all day by myself does not make me want to clean or organize, as much as I wish it did. I will have to get out of the house and actually do some stuff to stimulate my mind and body.
I am reminded of the saying “Beauty is in the imperfections.” I think that will be my mantra for a while. I have got to get rid of this shame bullshit and move forward. I am doing well, and I deserve this life of good things and people that love me for who I am, faults and all. I love them, and I need to love myself at least that much. Not easy, but I have to if I want to truly be happy. I think I may be onto something here, I am sure that I will have more to say later…
