pat on the back Tuesday March 18, 2008

Yep. I am going to celebrate a few of my accomplishments since I have started Suboxone and therapy. (Oct ‘07)

*I have officially completed one whole quarter of school without taking a single day off due to my depression. I did all of my homework and even got good grades! This one is huge for me.

*I am registered for next quarter, I did not put it off, nor did I register for the easiest classes that I could find in case I started to spin out into depression land.

*I can sleep appropriate amounts of time, and I am not exhausted all of the time (no more insomnia, no more sleeping all day and night)

*I have continued therapy and even found a new therapist when I needed to without getting overwhelmed or putting it off. And I actually go to my appointments.

*My relationships at home are improving and healing from my previous inablilty to be fully engaged. My kids talk to me more, and I yell at them less. Mr. A&J and I are working hard to maintain the relationship that we want, and aren’t just settling for the relationship that happens.

*For the most part, our bills are paid, and we don’t owe people money. Medical bills are another story, but we are doing pretty well with our financial responsibilities considering how we have been in the past.

*I am getting exercise most every day, outside, and liking it.

*I am making a true effort at eating proper meals and getting good nutrition, even when the pounds keep piling on.

*I haven’t had a panic attack in ages.

These are huge changes for me and I feel like I need to acknowledge that so many things in my life have improved so dramatically. For so so long I have planned my life with the knowledge that at any point I could become cripplingly depressed. My depression is sneaky and insidious, attacking me when I least expect it. But it has been gone for quite a while. Last week’s blues turned into the flu, so that explains that.

I am now trying to live my life without worrying “What if I get depressed”. I can make plans without worrying that I will have to cancel because I am too depressed to handle whatever it is, however small it is , because if I am depressed it will probably feel insurmountable. Thinking in this new way is making me realize how much power there is in that “what if”, how much of my life I was willing to give up, sleep through, avoid because of my depression. I do not want that life anymore. It’s not that I think I am doing some kind of pulling myself up by the bootstraps kind of crap, I don’t believe in that. I really think that the Suboxone is making the difference. And I hope to hell that it keeps working.

so so broke Saturday March 8, 2008

I have to search my house for things to pawn to buy groceries today. Yesterday I sold off half of my beloved book collection for $40 for gas and food. My partner is working his ass off day and night, I am awaiting the holy grail, my Fin-Aid check, and yet we still cannot seem to get it together financially. We aren’t spending dough on dope anymore, yet we are broker than ever. I don’t get it. Where the hell does it all go??? My kids are bitching because they are starting to hate the food bank fare that we have been living on for months now. That, and they say the the free school lunch and breakfast is gross. Sorry, babies, but it’s what I got.

Why can’t I just fast forward through this sucky part of my life and get to my well paid career? I have been broke for the entirety of my adult life and I really am starting to resent it. We work hard. We don’t blow our $$ on cd’s or movies or even going out to eat. We live frugally, we make a middle class wage and we can’t fucking make ends meet. How the hell am I supposed to get through four more years of school when I feel the pull to work to fill in the gap. The only problem with that theory is that I make more in loans and grants than I could earn at a job because I HAVE NO EDUCATION! Screwed any which way I look at it. BLECK!!!

But, even through this, I am not being pulled into the abyss of depression. I can look at these problems and see them for what they are. Sucky circumstances. Not that I am a horrible person. Not that my family would be better off without my lazy ass. Just circumstance. That, at least, is a relief.

I keep wondering how this is possible. It has got to be the suboxone, because this shit would always pull me in before. Or maybe it is that my lover is struggling with his with is own crushing depression right now. I can’t afford to fall right now, but that has never stopped me before. It is strange to be living in fear like this. No matter how much time goes by, the threat of that abyss always seems like it could be around any corner, coming for me any day.

Wish me wellness and sanity because goddess knows I need all I can get right now. I will not fall if I have any choice in it. I will keep doing the things that are good for me, and I will keep talking about how bizarre this sane life feels to me. And I WILL NOT stop going to therapy because $15 a week is better than falling off the edge of the world, even if it seems like the $15 is too much to spend on myself. I will keep putting one foot on front of the other and I will survive. I will be strong so that my man can heal himself instead of pushing all of his feelings away so that he can take care of me. I will take care of myself so that he can do the same. I will. I will. I will.

here I am Friday March 7, 2008

it’s been a while, and I don’t know why

But I miss this place and I miss getting my feelings out somewhere other than in my therapists office or on the phone to cappie…

Still on the sub-o boat, and doing well. Actually, I haven’t had a bout of depression since I started. I have had hard days, even weeks, but none of that cant-get-out-of-bed, the-world-is-horrible-and-its-all-my-fault kind of crap. I have actually spent entire weeks being happy, or at least fairly so. That is really new to me. Kind of scary even.

What the hell will my life be like without the suboxone??? I am terrified that I will fall off of the edge of the world, or drop out of school, or turn back to opiates, or for fucks sake something worse. Unspeakable things. BAD things.

I don’t even want to know. But chances are I will have to find out someday. And I really really don’t want to.

I just want to be well dammit. I want to be well without meds. Is that really so goddamn much to ask. I didn’t ask to be born into a family with a horrible history of depression and abusive behavior. And I certainly didn’t mean to hand this lovely little package off to my kids, but I imagine that I have. And I hate the thought if them ever struggling like I have.

Anyway, what I really came here to say is that I am ok. And I have been really busy staying in school(!) and trying to actually live my life. Not as easy as it sounds, especially when you have spent years and years trying to avoid everything around me. I miss the support that is here and I miss seeing my words written out in front of me. They seem more real that way. I will be back again soon, for real this time.

getting implanted Tuesday November 20, 2007

So today is the day for implant #5.  My anxiety and craziness about not knowing what the hell is happening in my body talked me into popping a couple of Vicoden last night.  Bad idea i guess, but it did help with the anxiety.  I wish I could kick that little voice out of my head.  This is so much harder than I thought it would be, for some reason.  I don’t know why I didn’t think it would be hard.  I think I did, I just didn’t know quite how much power that addict voice would still have.  I thought I would be able to shut it up with the Sub/Implant  I have to say that I am feeling less than confident that this next implant will do the  trick for me, but I haven’t given up hope completely.  I hope and I hope because I really don’t know what I will do next if it doesn’t help me.  No $$, no ins, etc, etc…  Wish me luck!

today Saturday November 17, 2007

Today I feel like I am standing in the middle of a vortex of emotions and feelings. They are spinning all around me and every once in a while one of them lands on me and I must experience whatever it is that decides to hit me. Sad, happy, afraid, grateful, angry, hopeless, hopeful, whatever… It is intense and not very pleasant to say the least. Throughout this very strange day I have somehow found a wealth of patience and kindness for my children and their various hurts, fears, and joys. I have been patient with my 5yo’s constant chatting about whatever the obsession of the moment is. Electricity, how toilets flush, why it sometimes hurts to poop, how sad he is that his papa has to work so much and doesn’t have a lot of time for kid stuff right now. Somehow I have navigated these conversations with calmness, love, and joy. I have no idea how, but I did.

Today S scratched his nails on the chalkboard and for some reason I had this really intense visceral response. I had to go sit on my bed in the dark and try not to puke as well as breathing myself through the beginnings of a panic attack. It was very strange. It seems like a really bad example of the auditory sensitivity that accompanies my depression, at least I am trying to go with that theory anyway.

I got an apology from one of the Giant Gaping Assholes today, and C got one from the other, so maybe they are moving down my list to just Assholes instead of the superior rank of Giant Gaping Assholes. At least I hope so. I am really fearing the loss of these friends and I am not entirely sure why. I would kind of like to be rid of GGA#1, but for some reason this is hard for me to fathom. We have shared a lot as families for a long time, and it would be sad to me to see that chapter end. I wish we could just rewind and have this person back as a friend, instead of someone who has entirely lost my and C’s trust and respect. I don’t know why I can’t let go of this. As for GGA#2, I think we will recover, it seems all is not what it appeared, though she is still ranked Asshole for the time being. We’ll see.

I feel tired, vaguely depressed, and yet kind of ok. I am trying to just do this day one step at a time and I seem to be getting through it, but still, I am tired and ready for my bed as soon as the time comes.

lazy sunday Sunday November 4, 2007

The family (extra relatives anyway) have returned home.  The kids are watching movies and gorging on halloween candy.  C is feeling better, and is actually home!  The house is clean, and there is no projects that are pressing at the moment, so we are just chill.

I am going to my first “meeting” tonight.  I looked at the AA website and I found a candlelight meeting tonight that is near my house.  Candles are nice, at least there will be that… My therapist has convinced me that I should at least check a few out BEFORE I try to tell her that they suck and are stupid.  That really is how I think I feel, but I made an agreement with myself to actually try to follow her advice.  Um, mostly cause look where following my own instinct got me….  So, tonight, “Hi, my name is Angst and I am an addict.” Sweeeeeet.  Good thing I have all day to build up nerve.

Oh, and today I have one week clean.  Last weekend was shite, but I already wrote all about that, so I will just say that I am proud and feel kind of silly about it and also, cannot fucking believe that it has only been a week.  It seems like a year.  I seriously don’t even miss it much anymore.  Suboxone is a fucking miracle and I can’t even imagine where I would be emotionally right now without it.  Hmmmm.  I am so grateful for this opportunity and I swear I am not going to fuck it up this time.  Really.  I am trying so hard, but even that seem kind of easy with the Sub.  Fucking Miracle, I tell ya.

the progress report Thursday November 1, 2007

I had therapy again today. I LOVE my therapist. She is so understanding and thoughtful, and I am so grateful for the opportunity I have been given to be able to work with her. For free! Today was my second appt. with her and I feel like she is already really understanding what I need from her. I am totally willing to show up, which she is so happy about, but I also am open to really doing the work that needs to be done. We had a really good session today, and I swear at one point I saw a tear roll down her cheek. Now she would never be so unprofessional as to actually address that, but I saw it and it meant so so much to me. I have looked so long and so hard for the help (a qualified therapist) that I need. For one reason or another nothing ever worked out for me. But here before me is this grand opportunity, all I have to do is show up, work hard, and be honest. I can do that.

As for the Suboxone, I am now getting 4mg/day in addition to the implant and will be receiving the 5th implant on Tuesday. Hopefully that does the trick as far as the dosing goes. I am so looking forward to no more orange-vomit tabs. There is  a part of me that is stressing that the dosing won’t be enough still, or it just won’t work, or whatever, but I am trying to ride it out. There really is no way to predict, but it looks like I am in a pretty good position to be helped by the 5th implant. The fact that I am doing really well on 4-mg orally kind of tells me that the 4 sticks in my arm are doing something, they just aren’t doing enough. So I will cross my fingers and toes and try not to spin out about it. It will be what it is meant to be. As bottlecappie put it, I have been randomized.

an open invitation Tuesday October 30, 2007

To any of you out there in web land who are reading this blog.  If you are in recovery, if you are trying to decide if Suboxone is right for you, if you are depressed, if you are a mother who struggles with mental illness or addiction, I want to hear from you.  I need support.  And I truly believe that support is a flow of energy.  That means that if I can help you with my words, then you can help me with yours.  Leave me a comment, send me a link to your blog or page.  I want to widen my safety net, and I am really getting attached to reading the kind words that are left for me when I am struggling.  It really does help.  So, to all of you out there, say hello, or help, or whatever it is that you are thinking.  I need you all.

crap Friday October 26, 2007

Just took a Vicoden.  not good…  but I will try not to be hard on myself about it.  I was freaking out.  Chills sweats, the whole shebang.  I don’t know what the fuck is up with this implant.  I don’t know if it is working or not and I am so so frustrated.   Gotta run and take the kids to a Halloween carnival that we are now an hour late for cause C was stuck in traffic.  He just walked in the door so he is changing and we are (finally) off…

what do u want from me Friday October 26, 2007

my new obsession:

I know I haven’t been writing much.  I am kind of trying to find (discover?) my groove right now.  Things are kind of strange with this implant.  I am pretty sure I didn’t get the placebo, but I think I am under-dosed right now with the 4 implants.  I talked to my study coordinator today and the doctor won’t be in until Mon.  He does know how I am feeling, but I think he wants me to tough it out a bit and see where I land.  I can understand that line of thought, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to get through my days… I will see my the study doc on Monday and probably do oral supplementing, like maybe another 4mg of the Sub/day and see if that helps.  If I need that for 2 weeks running (which I probably will…) then I can get a 5th implant put in and that should bring me back up to where I was for those blissful 5 days that I was on the oral.  I was feeling so great, it is hard to feel like the depression is creeping back into my periphery and it makes me panic.  But.  I HAVE to wait until Monday.  There isn’t anything I can do about it, so wish me strength for the weekend, and I will try not to be too hard on myself (thanks bottlecappie for the reminder )

Oh, and I start therapy on Mon, twice a week.  I am really looking forward to that, hopefully it will give me a place to get some of this shit out without worrying about how ANYBODY feels about it.  So.  Yeah.  I have to go try and create some Halloween costumes with no money and no craft stuff.  Wish me luck.