today Saturday November 17, 2007

Today I feel like I am standing in the middle of a vortex of emotions and feelings. They are spinning all around me and every once in a while one of them lands on me and I must experience whatever it is that decides to hit me. Sad, happy, afraid, grateful, angry, hopeless, hopeful, whatever… It is intense and not very pleasant to say the least. Throughout this very strange day I have somehow found a wealth of patience and kindness for my children and their various hurts, fears, and joys. I have been patient with my 5yo’s constant chatting about whatever the obsession of the moment is. Electricity, how toilets flush, why it sometimes hurts to poop, how sad he is that his papa has to work so much and doesn’t have a lot of time for kid stuff right now. Somehow I have navigated these conversations with calmness, love, and joy. I have no idea how, but I did.

Today S scratched his nails on the chalkboard and for some reason I had this really intense visceral response. I had to go sit on my bed in the dark and try not to puke as well as breathing myself through the beginnings of a panic attack. It was very strange. It seems like a really bad example of the auditory sensitivity that accompanies my depression, at least I am trying to go with that theory anyway.

I got an apology from one of the Giant Gaping Assholes today, and C got one from the other, so maybe they are moving down my list to just Assholes instead of the superior rank of Giant Gaping Assholes. At least I hope so. I am really fearing the loss of these friends and I am not entirely sure why. I would kind of like to be rid of GGA#1, but for some reason this is hard for me to fathom. We have shared a lot as families for a long time, and it would be sad to me to see that chapter end. I wish we could just rewind and have this person back as a friend, instead of someone who has entirely lost my and C’s trust and respect. I don’t know why I can’t let go of this. As for GGA#2, I think we will recover, it seems all is not what it appeared, though she is still ranked Asshole for the time being. We’ll see.

I feel tired, vaguely depressed, and yet kind of ok. I am trying to just do this day one step at a time and I seem to be getting through it, but still, I am tired and ready for my bed as soon as the time comes.

so maybe I’ll start now… Friday November 16, 2007

I have time, and I am not overtaken by the numbness and grief that the loss of my grandma has left me with.  I will write.  I didn’t make it to the meeting last night.  I decided to join C and the kids to the book fair, and we had a good time.  I told the kids that we were making Christmas wish lists, that we would be buying nothing, but listening and watching for what they liked and wanted.  I took R to the journals and watched her oooh and aaah over the fancy leather bound, jewel encrusted beauties.  Her eight year old sensibilities left her longing for a book with a lock, however.  Which left us with only the kid-type journals to choose from, not as pretty, but they lock.  She does have a little brother, ya know.  Even though he does not yet know how to read, her craving and need for privacy has pushed her to NEED a lock.  And a promise that I would never ever read it with out her permission.  Watching my little girl grow up is harder than I ever imagined.  And the parts that are hard are not the ones that I thought they would be.  It is watching her grow wiser of the world and it’s dangers that is hard.  Listening to her relate playground battles and homework insecurities makes me want to cry with fury.  Fury that my baby is having to deal with the world, without me, and that I have to let her.  That is the hard part.

I saw my dad today, for the first time since I was in California.  He joined me and R for the Family Feast at S’s kindergarten class.   The feast was fun, and R enjoyed being sprung from class for an hour before recess   It was nice to be able to give my dad a bit of distraction and comfort after all that he did for me last week.  We are still trying to figure this damned service out.  My uncle is being so god-damned difficult.  I am angry with him for so many reasons

ok.  What the fucking fuck?!?  Every time I sit down to write someone fucking dies.  I just got a call that a close friend of my mom’s passed away…  Died of a pulmonary embolism and lied dead in her bathroom for three days until someone found her.  When my grandma died she wasn’t found for three days as well.  This is craziness.  I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something.  wow, I guess the Universe is trying to tell me to write my will or something?  OK!!!!!  I WILL DO IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I was going to write, and I guess I don’t have to stop…

I registered for school for Winter quarter.  That felt pretty good.  I hope I can deal with it by then.  I think I will be ready.  12 credits, Stress Management (ha! 2 credits, 2 Saturdays, easy!),  Modern American Women Writers (fun and easy! 5cr, M-Th), and Sociology of Minority Groups (5cr, M-Th, interesting, should be able to get a good grade).  So, school from 11:30 until 1:35 M-Th, and 2 Saturdays 9-6.  Sounds doable.  I am really looking forward to getting back to my “real” life, but I am enjoying this little vacation, if you can call it that.

And on to recovery…  I am clean.  Not using except for the good ‘ol green.  My care providers are aware of that and, although not exactly supportive, accept that I am not yet ready to work on that.  I can’t say that I haven’t thought about a fat line of oxy.  I have had a pretty hard time not choosing to go that route on a few occasions lately.  So, I know the demons have not left me completely, but I am strong enough to fight them.  I think that all of the stress that I have been dealing with is contributing a lot to that situation.  Old habits die hard, or at least that’s what they say.  And the fact that C is still struggling a bit is making it a bit harder for me.  I don’t really want to ask, and he doesn’t really want to tell me about it, but it’s like the pink elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is pretending isn’t there.  He tells me he’s ok, and we are so fucking broke that I know he can’t be using much, but it is still a tricky subject for us.  And for some reason, even though I told him I was going to give the AA thing a try, he acted all weird about it last night when I said that I wanted to go to a meeting.  He said that he thought I said that I didn’t like it and didn’t want to go anymore.  I never said that, in fact I told him that I wanted to try the women’s only meetings before I decided, so I don’t know what that was about.  I think he has a lot of feelings about 12 step, and I guess I do too.  But I also feel like I could really use some support right now, and maybe a room full of women that are all struggling in the ways that I am might really help me.  I can take what I need from these meetings and leave the rest.  For some reason a good number of our good friends have decided to turn into giant gaping assholes lately is really not helping with the whole “support network” thing, ya know.

hmmm  I seem to have run out of words so I guess I’m done for now.

update Thursday November 15, 2007

I promise (myself) that this weekend I will get back to my daily blogging.  I am missing it, but I just don’t have anything left over right now.  All of my energy is going into keeping myself on target.  This week has been incredibly difficult, dealing with the loss of my grandma, my kids freaking cause I was gone and they are sad and clingy as well, feeling tired as hell from all of these emotions pouring through me, and just basically using all of my inner resources to keep moving and getting the shit that needs to get done done.  So, I haven’t feel off the edge of the world just yet, and I’m not planning to anytime soon.  Still meeting with my therapist, still getting supplemented with 4mg orally daily, will be getting the 5th stick on Tuesday…  And I think that I will try to make it to the Womens Meeting tonight.

burnt Thursday November 1, 2007

Somewhere along the way this afternoon I just all of a sudden became extremely irritable and burnt out.  I was doing fine, just chugging along, and then WHAM bitchiness all over the place.  C is STILL FUCKING PUKING.  All I wanted to do today was come home from therapy and take a bath and meditate, but, no, that man was barfing every 10 minutes in the one bathroom that we own.  Not that it is his fault, I just really needed some recovery time today and I didn’t get it.  Now I have to finish getting my house Sister, Aunt, and Grandma ready while 2 candy-crazed bratty kids yell at me about how everything I do sucks and how I cook crappy food.  Blah.

I really want to get in the bath and just tell them all to screw themselves, but ya know that ain’t gonna happen.  So, I will cook for ungrateful people, then I will clean up after them, then I will clean the nether-regions of my house so my grandma doesn’t talk shit about me to my relatives, then I will care for th incredible barfing man, then I will cry, then I will sleep.  Then I will do it all again tomorrow.  Some days suck.

hell-O-ween Wednesday October 31, 2007

Trick-or-treating almost killed me.  I am tired.  C had the flu for the last 2 days and today he was grumpy but attached at my hip.  FUN.  That’s my husband, by the way. I’m not sure I have introduced him…aka mesomeuc

Yesterday was our 11 year anniversary.  He was puking with the flu so I invited my mom over and made shrimp pesto linguine and Caesar salad for dinner to celebrate, even though C was in bed.  I was feeling great for once, so I figured I shouldn’t waste it Mom came over and helped my daughter with her homework and my son do art projects while I made dinner and washed dishes.  It was nice. I actually enjoyed her company.  It was the first time in a long time that I remember that my mom being over (she lives next door, by the way, so she is here all the freaking time) and I wasn’t completely irritated.  Probably because I wasn’t trying to sneak off and get high.

So anyway, all night all C and I did was bicker.  Trick-or-treating and arguing, oh so much fun.  I was trying to just have a good time, but he was being such a pain in the ass.  At least that’s my version lol…

C I know you are reading this and what I have to say is not meant to make you feel bad, you can skip to the next paragraph if you want, but you don’t have to.  I am venting here.  This is my place to say whatever, so I don’t want to hear about any of this other than as a reply.  /disclaimer… I feel like I am really missing the close relationship that we used to have.  I don’t actually remember when we had that, but I know we did once.  There was a time when it felt like we shared our skin, our eyes, our breath we were so close.  We spent hours just staring at each other, touching foreheads and staring into each other’s eyes.  Probably before we had kids, I guess.  Long ago, at any rate.  It seems like my needs and wants get seem to get overlooked all the time for the sake of the kids, the fact that we have no $$, friends who need whatever, and I am tired of being last. I am sure that he feels the same things, but he never expresses such thoughts.  I know that’s dramatic and all, but really.  I need to feel important.  I need to be first sometimes.  Most of the time, actually.  It is in my nature.  I want to be the most important person in the world to my husband.  I need constant reassurance.  I am just that kind of girl.  Say what you will, but that’s me.  Poor C, he is working so hard, and hurting so much, but dammit he just doesn’t think.  Why can’t he realize that I need him so much right now.  He just isn’t here, in body or mind.  And when he is here his phone is ringing and he is on his way somewhere else, making plans that I can’t keep up with.  He leaves before I wake and comes home after I am sleeping at least half of the time.  Granted he is here for some time in the middle, but it seems to be for a shower and a visit with Mary Jane and he’s off again.  I miss him.  My feelings are hurt and he just doesn’t know what to do with that.  How come guys don’t know how to apologize?  He can tell our kids how to do it, but he can’t seem to do it himself.  I love that man.  I just want to feel like I am not living alone.  Blah.

On other fronts, I am now getting 6 mg of Suboxone daily in addition to the implant.  This week and next of that regimen, and then I will get the 5th implant sometime in the following week, probably that Tuesday.  I am feeling so so so much better.  There are no words for it.  I absolutely cannot explain what it feels like to have 30 years of pain and sadness lifted off of my shoulders.  I don’t know where it went.  I don’t know if it is waiting for me somewhere, waiting for me to fail or fall, but it feels good to be rid of it for now.  Hopefully with therapy we can get some of that pain dealt with before they set me loose from therapy.  I feel strong right now, so I feel like I can do the work I need to do,  I am glad I have twice a week therapy because I think it will really really help me.  Maybe I can figure some of this shit out with C, I want what we had back.  We have our moments of greatness, but I know that we can have that more often that not.  It always comes back.  Every time.  I love that man, but relationships are fucking hard.  I am changing so much right now, I don’t think he knows what to expect from me right now.  It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing lately.

an open invitation Tuesday October 30, 2007

To any of you out there in web land who are reading this blog.  If you are in recovery, if you are trying to decide if Suboxone is right for you, if you are depressed, if you are a mother who struggles with mental illness or addiction, I want to hear from you.  I need support.  And I truly believe that support is a flow of energy.  That means that if I can help you with my words, then you can help me with yours.  Leave me a comment, send me a link to your blog or page.  I want to widen my safety net, and I am really getting attached to reading the kind words that are left for me when I am struggling.  It really does help.  So, to all of you out there, say hello, or help, or whatever it is that you are thinking.  I need you all.

what do u want from me Friday October 26, 2007

my new obsession:

I know I haven’t been writing much.  I am kind of trying to find (discover?) my groove right now.  Things are kind of strange with this implant.  I am pretty sure I didn’t get the placebo, but I think I am under-dosed right now with the 4 implants.  I talked to my study coordinator today and the doctor won’t be in until Mon.  He does know how I am feeling, but I think he wants me to tough it out a bit and see where I land.  I can understand that line of thought, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to get through my days… I will see my the study doc on Monday and probably do oral supplementing, like maybe another 4mg of the Sub/day and see if that helps.  If I need that for 2 weeks running (which I probably will…) then I can get a 5th implant put in and that should bring me back up to where I was for those blissful 5 days that I was on the oral.  I was feeling so great, it is hard to feel like the depression is creeping back into my periphery and it makes me panic.  But.  I HAVE to wait until Monday.  There isn’t anything I can do about it, so wish me strength for the weekend, and I will try not to be too hard on myself (thanks bottlecappie for the reminder )

Oh, and I start therapy on Mon, twice a week.  I am really looking forward to that, hopefully it will give me a place to get some of this shit out without worrying about how ANYBODY feels about it.  So.  Yeah.  I have to go try and create some Halloween costumes with no money and no craft stuff.  Wish me luck.

Day -2 Monday October 15, 2007

Had my big appointment today. Blood work, EKG, interviews, the whole shebang, Met my doctor and found out all about the Suboxone program. I am feeling very strange about all of this. I want so badly to be released from my monster of addiction but my fear of my depression and anxiety is making me panic a bit. I hope that I can find the joy in my life again, that I can learn how to be human again, but I fear that I may be shooting too high with these wishes. I begin induction on Wed and I am seriously fighting the urge to get really really high because I know that it’s over. I hope that I can make it through. I am so close now. I feel good knowing that I have, like, 5 people to call if I am having trouble, but I am still worried. The urge to lie and hide things is very strong, I have promised myself to be completely honest throughout this process but I keep worrying that I will decide to lie for no good reason. Old habits die hard, I guess. The countdown is on.

For my entire life I have suffered from chronic depression, which after the birth of my children began to cycle at an increasingly rapid pace. I tried every antidepressant on the market, they all had tons of side effects, but my depression remained the same. As things got worse and worse I began to experiment with opiates. Amazing! I was feeling great, tons of energy, and life was great. For a while. And however many years later, here I am. Having the worst depression of my life. Doing waaay too many pills just not to get sick. At the end of my rope. My husband is fed up. My kids miss me. I am not doing well in school. I am ready to be done, but every time I quit I get suicidal. Panic Attacks. Nonstop crying for days on end. Puking.

The bottom line is, I have been looking for help with my depression for so long, and I know that the depression is what led me to my opiate use/abuse. There is tons of research out there that says that Sub can have a tremendous effect on treatment resistant depression as well as helping me with my opiate problem.

I kind of feel like this is my last chance or something. I have tried so many things. This feels like hope. The program consists of 3 visits a week; 3 urine tests, 2 counseling visits, and a treatment visit to assess medication issues and such. My program will be one year at minimum (with the counseling, urine tests, and treatment visits) and possibly lifetime maintenance (medication only), we’ll just have to see how it goes, and how the suboxone affects my depression. If that can go away I will stay on forever! All of the people I have met so far at the clinic have been incredible, inspiring and hopeful. I didn’t get any of the attitude that I was expecting (who knows why I thought that?) I am truly hopeful for the first time in a long long time.