Sunday, sunday…. Sunday April 6, 2008

The homework is done, the mother in law is gone, the kids are out with their dad (who is taking a much needed day off) and I have time to blog.  So far I am keeping up with the school pace, but if history has taught me anything, it is week 3 that I need to fear.  Things roll along kind of quietly until then, and then BAM! shit starts to get out of control.  If I can stay on top of the readings and homework then I think I will be alright.

One of the best parts of keeping really busy, is that I have a great excuse for having a messy house. No one expects a crazy full time student mama to keep a clean house.  Hell, I could probably get away with feeding them TV dinners every night if I wanted to, lol.  But, alas, my nutrition class will prevent me from ever being able to do that in good conscience.  We will stick to the usual routine of pasta and salad.  Nutritious, even if it is boring.  At least they eat it.

I have decided that since it is spring and all, I am going to keep parking at the shuttle lot, shuttle in to school in the morning, and then walk the mile or so back every day as long as it isn’t pissing down rain.  So far, so good.  And I even had a great excuse to go buy some new Keens   The exercise feels good to my muscles and my mind.  I got a bit out of the habit of walking with the bad weather, and I am really proud that I am motivated to do even this small thing for myself.  Things have changed so much for me, it is hard to take in all of the changes sometimes.  I know that I am having the longest run of feeling “normal” (god I hate that word…) that I can remember.  I know that a good part of it is the Suboxone, but I also feel things changing.  I am learning new ways of handling my feelings and speaking my mind.  It feels really good, I must say.

Maybe one of these days I will have to change the name of my blog, I am starting to feel the twinges of actually BEING the new me.  Weird.  I certainly wasn’t expecting that.

another day in the life Monday March 24, 2008

So I am officially on break now.  I ran the kids to school and went back to bed.  This is my one day of sleeping all day.  I promised myself that I would not sleep my entire break away, but  I can tell it’s going to be a struggle.  Sleep is such sweet escape from all of life’s struggles.   I missed therapy, my last session with this guy, because for some reason I made my appt for a different time than usual and then forgot about it until it was too late to get there.  I don’t really feel too bad about it though, it kind of seems that we have gotten to the end of what he can do for me anyway.

I talked to Mr. A&J last night about a new plan for doing good things for myself since the therapy gig isn’t really doing much for me right now.  We decided that I would continue to put away the $15 a week, and spend it on doing something good for me.  Every week.  The list we came up with included acupuncture at the student clinic, drop in yoga,  going out to eat with a friend, doing a session of drop in therapy if I feel like I could use it, or going to a movie.  I am sure that there are other things that I could do for $15, but that’s what we came up with.  I think that that may be a bit more satisfying to my soul than sitting in a room re-hashing old bullshit.  I want to get on with my life already.  I am tired of living in the past.  Any other ideas anyone has are welcome, I am not the best at thinking up positive ways to spend my time or money.

I am not under any delusion that I am now recovered or healed or anything like that, but it seems like doing some things out in the real world might be good for me.  I tend to be reclusive and  anti-social when left to my own devices, so I think that leaving my hovel and being out in the world is probably a good thing, as uncomfortable as it sounds to me right now.

The weekend was good, we egg-hunted with my little A&Js and little cappie, and mama cappie and I got a chance to hang out a bit.  It was good to see her, I have missed her a lot lately.  We are both in a bit of a strange place right now, it seems, and we both like to stay home just a bit too much   But I love her to death, and hanging out with her feels more like productive therapy than what I pay money for.  She always knows how to help me put things in perspective in a way that still makes me feel good about myself.  Okay, enough gushing about how much I love my cappie, I don’t want to embarrass her or anything…

pat on the back Tuesday March 18, 2008

Yep. I am going to celebrate a few of my accomplishments since I have started Suboxone and therapy. (Oct ‘07)

*I have officially completed one whole quarter of school without taking a single day off due to my depression. I did all of my homework and even got good grades! This one is huge for me.

*I am registered for next quarter, I did not put it off, nor did I register for the easiest classes that I could find in case I started to spin out into depression land.

*I can sleep appropriate amounts of time, and I am not exhausted all of the time (no more insomnia, no more sleeping all day and night)

*I have continued therapy and even found a new therapist when I needed to without getting overwhelmed or putting it off. And I actually go to my appointments.

*My relationships at home are improving and healing from my previous inablilty to be fully engaged. My kids talk to me more, and I yell at them less. Mr. A&J and I are working hard to maintain the relationship that we want, and aren’t just settling for the relationship that happens.

*For the most part, our bills are paid, and we don’t owe people money. Medical bills are another story, but we are doing pretty well with our financial responsibilities considering how we have been in the past.

*I am getting exercise most every day, outside, and liking it.

*I am making a true effort at eating proper meals and getting good nutrition, even when the pounds keep piling on.

*I haven’t had a panic attack in ages.

These are huge changes for me and I feel like I need to acknowledge that so many things in my life have improved so dramatically. For so so long I have planned my life with the knowledge that at any point I could become cripplingly depressed. My depression is sneaky and insidious, attacking me when I least expect it. But it has been gone for quite a while. Last week’s blues turned into the flu, so that explains that.

I am now trying to live my life without worrying “What if I get depressed”. I can make plans without worrying that I will have to cancel because I am too depressed to handle whatever it is, however small it is , because if I am depressed it will probably feel insurmountable. Thinking in this new way is making me realize how much power there is in that “what if”, how much of my life I was willing to give up, sleep through, avoid because of my depression. I do not want that life anymore. It’s not that I think I am doing some kind of pulling myself up by the bootstraps kind of crap, I don’t believe in that. I really think that the Suboxone is making the difference. And I hope to hell that it keeps working.

comfy and thoughtful Monday March 10, 2008

I am currently snuggled between my two little sickies watching the evil spongebob with my son and reading magazines with  my daughter.  They both still have fevers and now Mr. A&J does, too.  So far I am well…  I can only hope it stays that way.I guess Mr. A&J will have to take the day off tomorrow if the kiddos aren’t fever free by then.  I hope he has a sick day to use as we can’t afford to lose the pay.  Even Advil isn’t touching their fevers, so I guess we may have to go see the Dr if things don’t clear up soon.

It feels good to be home and taking care of them after being gone all day at school and such.  I miss that part of my life, being home with my kids all of the time, although it pretty much sucked ass back then.  I was so lonely and sad all the time, but looking back, there were some pretty awesome times too.  Being able to crawl into the big bed with my babies and nap the afternoons away, dashing off to the park on a whim with no thought of homework (theirs or mine!), nursing entire afternoons away while watching trash tv and reading stories to my toddler.

Maybe that’s where these baby urges that I am having are coming from.  My life was pretty unregimented back then, now I have schedules to keep up with, classes that I can’t miss, all kinds of pressure to be ON all the time.  There are no jammie days anymore.  That’s partly because my depression is better, I think, but also because I am freaking busy.  And for some reason my ovaries can’t seem to get the picture that that is not my life anymore.  Having a baby would not take me back to that place, I would just be unimaginably busy and trying to manage life with  a baby.  That is REALLY not what I want, even if my biological twinges are saying otherwise.  Thank the goddess for vasectomies or Mr. A&J would have given in to my crazy talk months ago and then I would really be screwed (although I would have health insurance, thanks to the state lol).  Eh, enough rambling, runny noses and hacking coughs need my attention, and I want to give it to them.

so so broke Saturday March 8, 2008

I have to search my house for things to pawn to buy groceries today. Yesterday I sold off half of my beloved book collection for $40 for gas and food. My partner is working his ass off day and night, I am awaiting the holy grail, my Fin-Aid check, and yet we still cannot seem to get it together financially. We aren’t spending dough on dope anymore, yet we are broker than ever. I don’t get it. Where the hell does it all go??? My kids are bitching because they are starting to hate the food bank fare that we have been living on for months now. That, and they say the the free school lunch and breakfast is gross. Sorry, babies, but it’s what I got.

Why can’t I just fast forward through this sucky part of my life and get to my well paid career? I have been broke for the entirety of my adult life and I really am starting to resent it. We work hard. We don’t blow our $$ on cd’s or movies or even going out to eat. We live frugally, we make a middle class wage and we can’t fucking make ends meet. How the hell am I supposed to get through four more years of school when I feel the pull to work to fill in the gap. The only problem with that theory is that I make more in loans and grants than I could earn at a job because I HAVE NO EDUCATION! Screwed any which way I look at it. BLECK!!!

But, even through this, I am not being pulled into the abyss of depression. I can look at these problems and see them for what they are. Sucky circumstances. Not that I am a horrible person. Not that my family would be better off without my lazy ass. Just circumstance. That, at least, is a relief.

I keep wondering how this is possible. It has got to be the suboxone, because this shit would always pull me in before. Or maybe it is that my lover is struggling with his with is own crushing depression right now. I can’t afford to fall right now, but that has never stopped me before. It is strange to be living in fear like this. No matter how much time goes by, the threat of that abyss always seems like it could be around any corner, coming for me any day.

Wish me wellness and sanity because goddess knows I need all I can get right now. I will not fall if I have any choice in it. I will keep doing the things that are good for me, and I will keep talking about how bizarre this sane life feels to me. And I WILL NOT stop going to therapy because $15 a week is better than falling off the edge of the world, even if it seems like the $15 is too much to spend on myself. I will keep putting one foot on front of the other and I will survive. I will be strong so that my man can heal himself instead of pushing all of his feelings away so that he can take care of me. I will take care of myself so that he can do the same. I will. I will. I will.

here I am Friday March 7, 2008

it’s been a while, and I don’t know why

But I miss this place and I miss getting my feelings out somewhere other than in my therapists office or on the phone to cappie…

Still on the sub-o boat, and doing well. Actually, I haven’t had a bout of depression since I started. I have had hard days, even weeks, but none of that cant-get-out-of-bed, the-world-is-horrible-and-its-all-my-fault kind of crap. I have actually spent entire weeks being happy, or at least fairly so. That is really new to me. Kind of scary even.

What the hell will my life be like without the suboxone??? I am terrified that I will fall off of the edge of the world, or drop out of school, or turn back to opiates, or for fucks sake something worse. Unspeakable things. BAD things.

I don’t even want to know. But chances are I will have to find out someday. And I really really don’t want to.

I just want to be well dammit. I want to be well without meds. Is that really so goddamn much to ask. I didn’t ask to be born into a family with a horrible history of depression and abusive behavior. And I certainly didn’t mean to hand this lovely little package off to my kids, but I imagine that I have. And I hate the thought if them ever struggling like I have.

Anyway, what I really came here to say is that I am ok. And I have been really busy staying in school(!) and trying to actually live my life. Not as easy as it sounds, especially when you have spent years and years trying to avoid everything around me. I miss the support that is here and I miss seeing my words written out in front of me. They seem more real that way. I will be back again soon, for real this time.

getting implanted Tuesday November 20, 2007

So today is the day for implant #5.  My anxiety and craziness about not knowing what the hell is happening in my body talked me into popping a couple of Vicoden last night.  Bad idea i guess, but it did help with the anxiety.  I wish I could kick that little voice out of my head.  This is so much harder than I thought it would be, for some reason.  I don’t know why I didn’t think it would be hard.  I think I did, I just didn’t know quite how much power that addict voice would still have.  I thought I would be able to shut it up with the Sub/Implant  I have to say that I am feeling less than confident that this next implant will do the  trick for me, but I haven’t given up hope completely.  I hope and I hope because I really don’t know what I will do next if it doesn’t help me.  No $$, no ins, etc, etc…  Wish me luck!

today Saturday November 17, 2007

Today I feel like I am standing in the middle of a vortex of emotions and feelings. They are spinning all around me and every once in a while one of them lands on me and I must experience whatever it is that decides to hit me. Sad, happy, afraid, grateful, angry, hopeless, hopeful, whatever… It is intense and not very pleasant to say the least. Throughout this very strange day I have somehow found a wealth of patience and kindness for my children and their various hurts, fears, and joys. I have been patient with my 5yo’s constant chatting about whatever the obsession of the moment is. Electricity, how toilets flush, why it sometimes hurts to poop, how sad he is that his papa has to work so much and doesn’t have a lot of time for kid stuff right now. Somehow I have navigated these conversations with calmness, love, and joy. I have no idea how, but I did.

Today S scratched his nails on the chalkboard and for some reason I had this really intense visceral response. I had to go sit on my bed in the dark and try not to puke as well as breathing myself through the beginnings of a panic attack. It was very strange. It seems like a really bad example of the auditory sensitivity that accompanies my depression, at least I am trying to go with that theory anyway.

I got an apology from one of the Giant Gaping Assholes today, and C got one from the other, so maybe they are moving down my list to just Assholes instead of the superior rank of Giant Gaping Assholes. At least I hope so. I am really fearing the loss of these friends and I am not entirely sure why. I would kind of like to be rid of GGA#1, but for some reason this is hard for me to fathom. We have shared a lot as families for a long time, and it would be sad to me to see that chapter end. I wish we could just rewind and have this person back as a friend, instead of someone who has entirely lost my and C’s trust and respect. I don’t know why I can’t let go of this. As for GGA#2, I think we will recover, it seems all is not what it appeared, though she is still ranked Asshole for the time being. We’ll see.

I feel tired, vaguely depressed, and yet kind of ok. I am trying to just do this day one step at a time and I seem to be getting through it, but still, I am tired and ready for my bed as soon as the time comes.

so maybe I’ll start now… Friday November 16, 2007

I have time, and I am not overtaken by the numbness and grief that the loss of my grandma has left me with.  I will write.  I didn’t make it to the meeting last night.  I decided to join C and the kids to the book fair, and we had a good time.  I told the kids that we were making Christmas wish lists, that we would be buying nothing, but listening and watching for what they liked and wanted.  I took R to the journals and watched her oooh and aaah over the fancy leather bound, jewel encrusted beauties.  Her eight year old sensibilities left her longing for a book with a lock, however.  Which left us with only the kid-type journals to choose from, not as pretty, but they lock.  She does have a little brother, ya know.  Even though he does not yet know how to read, her craving and need for privacy has pushed her to NEED a lock.  And a promise that I would never ever read it with out her permission.  Watching my little girl grow up is harder than I ever imagined.  And the parts that are hard are not the ones that I thought they would be.  It is watching her grow wiser of the world and it’s dangers that is hard.  Listening to her relate playground battles and homework insecurities makes me want to cry with fury.  Fury that my baby is having to deal with the world, without me, and that I have to let her.  That is the hard part.

I saw my dad today, for the first time since I was in California.  He joined me and R for the Family Feast at S’s kindergarten class.   The feast was fun, and R enjoyed being sprung from class for an hour before recess   It was nice to be able to give my dad a bit of distraction and comfort after all that he did for me last week.  We are still trying to figure this damned service out.  My uncle is being so god-damned difficult.  I am angry with him for so many reasons

ok.  What the fucking fuck?!?  Every time I sit down to write someone fucking dies.  I just got a call that a close friend of my mom’s passed away…  Died of a pulmonary embolism and lied dead in her bathroom for three days until someone found her.  When my grandma died she wasn’t found for three days as well.  This is craziness.  I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something.  wow, I guess the Universe is trying to tell me to write my will or something?  OK!!!!!  I WILL DO IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I was going to write, and I guess I don’t have to stop…

I registered for school for Winter quarter.  That felt pretty good.  I hope I can deal with it by then.  I think I will be ready.  12 credits, Stress Management (ha! 2 credits, 2 Saturdays, easy!),  Modern American Women Writers (fun and easy! 5cr, M-Th), and Sociology of Minority Groups (5cr, M-Th, interesting, should be able to get a good grade).  So, school from 11:30 until 1:35 M-Th, and 2 Saturdays 9-6.  Sounds doable.  I am really looking forward to getting back to my “real” life, but I am enjoying this little vacation, if you can call it that.

And on to recovery…  I am clean.  Not using except for the good ‘ol green.  My care providers are aware of that and, although not exactly supportive, accept that I am not yet ready to work on that.  I can’t say that I haven’t thought about a fat line of oxy.  I have had a pretty hard time not choosing to go that route on a few occasions lately.  So, I know the demons have not left me completely, but I am strong enough to fight them.  I think that all of the stress that I have been dealing with is contributing a lot to that situation.  Old habits die hard, or at least that’s what they say.  And the fact that C is still struggling a bit is making it a bit harder for me.  I don’t really want to ask, and he doesn’t really want to tell me about it, but it’s like the pink elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is pretending isn’t there.  He tells me he’s ok, and we are so fucking broke that I know he can’t be using much, but it is still a tricky subject for us.  And for some reason, even though I told him I was going to give the AA thing a try, he acted all weird about it last night when I said that I wanted to go to a meeting.  He said that he thought I said that I didn’t like it and didn’t want to go anymore.  I never said that, in fact I told him that I wanted to try the women’s only meetings before I decided, so I don’t know what that was about.  I think he has a lot of feelings about 12 step, and I guess I do too.  But I also feel like I could really use some support right now, and maybe a room full of women that are all struggling in the ways that I am might really help me.  I can take what I need from these meetings and leave the rest.  For some reason a good number of our good friends have decided to turn into giant gaping assholes lately is really not helping with the whole “support network” thing, ya know.

hmmm  I seem to have run out of words so I guess I’m done for now.

update Thursday November 15, 2007

I promise (myself) that this weekend I will get back to my daily blogging.  I am missing it, but I just don’t have anything left over right now.  All of my energy is going into keeping myself on target.  This week has been incredibly difficult, dealing with the loss of my grandma, my kids freaking cause I was gone and they are sad and clingy as well, feeling tired as hell from all of these emotions pouring through me, and just basically using all of my inner resources to keep moving and getting the shit that needs to get done done.  So, I haven’t feel off the edge of the world just yet, and I’m not planning to anytime soon.  Still meeting with my therapist, still getting supplemented with 4mg orally daily, will be getting the 5th stick on Tuesday…  And I think that I will try to make it to the Womens Meeting tonight.