Sunday, sunday…. Sunday April 6, 2008

The homework is done, the mother in law is gone, the kids are out with their dad (who is taking a much needed day off) and I have time to blog.  So far I am keeping up with the school pace, but if history has taught me anything, it is week 3 that I need to fear.  Things roll along kind of quietly until then, and then BAM! shit starts to get out of control.  If I can stay on top of the readings and homework then I think I will be alright.

One of the best parts of keeping really busy, is that I have a great excuse for having a messy house. No one expects a crazy full time student mama to keep a clean house.  Hell, I could probably get away with feeding them TV dinners every night if I wanted to, lol.  But, alas, my nutrition class will prevent me from ever being able to do that in good conscience.  We will stick to the usual routine of pasta and salad.  Nutritious, even if it is boring.  At least they eat it.

I have decided that since it is spring and all, I am going to keep parking at the shuttle lot, shuttle in to school in the morning, and then walk the mile or so back every day as long as it isn’t pissing down rain.  So far, so good.  And I even had a great excuse to go buy some new Keens   The exercise feels good to my muscles and my mind.  I got a bit out of the habit of walking with the bad weather, and I am really proud that I am motivated to do even this small thing for myself.  Things have changed so much for me, it is hard to take in all of the changes sometimes.  I know that I am having the longest run of feeling “normal” (god I hate that word…) that I can remember.  I know that a good part of it is the Suboxone, but I also feel things changing.  I am learning new ways of handling my feelings and speaking my mind.  It feels really good, I must say.

Maybe one of these days I will have to change the name of my blog, I am starting to feel the twinges of actually BEING the new me.  Weird.  I certainly wasn’t expecting that.

a junky moment Thursday March 20, 2008

That’s the only way that I can really explain it. Today, after napping much of the day away thanks to the flu and the fact that I had no class, I woke up sweaty and feeling off kilter. I went to sit on the stoop in the sunshine and have a stogie and try to get my head together. All of a sudden I was queasy in that I-want-to-get-high kind of way and my nose was practically itching for a bump. I started to get panicky for a bit, chain smoked a couple of Camels and tried to figure out why I was feeling that way.

I had to deal with more crap having to do with my Grandma’s probate this morning; I have been sick; I hadn’t taken my dose of Suboxone for the day; I wrote all that crap about doing good yesterday… whatever it was it was making me jones like a motherfucker. So I went in the kitchen and took my meds and waited for the gross ass orange pill to melt and my nerves to mellow out. It seemed to take forever, but eventually I started to feel better and made myself a cup of coffee.  I sat and soaked up the bits of sun that were making it through the clouds, drank my coffee, smoked too much, and felt grateful for the fact that I had survived those moments of freakout.

I realize that it was minor in the scheme of things, but for me it was a reminder to not let my guard down. I am still healing from my mistakes and I will be for a long time. I am not and will never be perfect, as hard as that is for me to swallow. The thing I keep trying to remind myself is that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t expect other people to be, and no one expects me to be either.

I don’t know why I feel such a need to be good at everyfuckingthing, but I do. I accept and even adore the imperfections of my friends and loved ones, but in myself they are sources of great shame, especially when they are about my addiction. I do not like my inadequacies in general to be exposed, especially if I have not accepted them within myself already. I am trying to let go of this quality within myself but it is hard. I have got to stay on track with the life that I want to have, and it is hard for me to accept that it is going to be a lot of hard work for a long time.

I need to meditate on imperfection, I think. If I can accept my other imperfections I think that I would be better able to accept my occasional cravings and triggers for what they are; signals that I need something. What do they say… HALT, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Today, I think it was a combo of those things and more. Sadness, sickness, loneliness for sure, and I hadn’t eaten yet. But I think it was also because I was alone for the second day in a row. I need to make sure that during my break (after tomorrow) I keep myself busy. Sitting around doing nothing is not good for me. I don’t do well without some structure. So I will try to make some plans at least with myself for things to do outside of the house. That seems to be the main factor. Staying home all day by myself does not make me want to clean or organize, as much as I wish it did. I will have to get out of the house and actually do some stuff to stimulate my mind and body.

I am reminded of the saying “Beauty is in the imperfections.” I think that will be my mantra for a while. I have got to get rid of this shame bullshit and move forward. I am doing well, and I deserve this life of good things and people that love me for who I am, faults and all. I love them, and I need to love myself at least that much. Not easy, but I have to if I want to truly be happy. I think I may be onto something here, I am sure that I will have more to say later…

it always comes back Thursday March 13, 2008

So my delusion that Suboxone would forever end my chronic depression is quickly fading.  My skies are becoming more grey and cloudy, the sun is hard to see.  I know where this goes, I go from funky, to exhausted and distracted, to totally depressed.  It can be hours, days, or weeks  for me to get through those phases, but that is the pattern.  Right now I’m funky, leaning toward exhausted.  I feel like I could stay in bed for a few days right now, and not only would it not help anything, but I would still be exhausted.  I think that it is my getaway, the place where I can just fade and not have to think.

The financial state of my life is contributing greatly, as well as this crap with my grandma’s probate, and having finals all week is leaving me depleted, stressed out, and looking for an out.  There is no fucking out.  Thats always the thing.  There is no fucking out.  I can’t go to bed for a week, I can’t hop a plane to the Bahamas, and I can’t even take a day off.  There is no such thing in this life right now.  And that is probably all I really need.  Some time to myself when I am not studying, stressing about $$, or dealing with family shit.  Even therapy is not a solace at this point.  I just end up rehashing all of the crap that is stressing me and feel no resolution at the end.  I mean I know I need to go and all, but it just isn’t doing much for me right now. And I am constantly scrambling for the cash to pay for it even though it is only $15.

Please, please let these next days go quickly and let me get to my 2 week break so I can sleep, and maybe write, and try to sort out what the hell is going on with me.  I don’t want to break down, but it is starting to feel inevitable.  I am not sure I can make it another week before I get to feed my soul, have some privacy and no deadlines.

so so broke Saturday March 8, 2008

I have to search my house for things to pawn to buy groceries today. Yesterday I sold off half of my beloved book collection for $40 for gas and food. My partner is working his ass off day and night, I am awaiting the holy grail, my Fin-Aid check, and yet we still cannot seem to get it together financially. We aren’t spending dough on dope anymore, yet we are broker than ever. I don’t get it. Where the hell does it all go??? My kids are bitching because they are starting to hate the food bank fare that we have been living on for months now. That, and they say the the free school lunch and breakfast is gross. Sorry, babies, but it’s what I got.

Why can’t I just fast forward through this sucky part of my life and get to my well paid career? I have been broke for the entirety of my adult life and I really am starting to resent it. We work hard. We don’t blow our $$ on cd’s or movies or even going out to eat. We live frugally, we make a middle class wage and we can’t fucking make ends meet. How the hell am I supposed to get through four more years of school when I feel the pull to work to fill in the gap. The only problem with that theory is that I make more in loans and grants than I could earn at a job because I HAVE NO EDUCATION! Screwed any which way I look at it. BLECK!!!

But, even through this, I am not being pulled into the abyss of depression. I can look at these problems and see them for what they are. Sucky circumstances. Not that I am a horrible person. Not that my family would be better off without my lazy ass. Just circumstance. That, at least, is a relief.

I keep wondering how this is possible. It has got to be the suboxone, because this shit would always pull me in before. Or maybe it is that my lover is struggling with his with is own crushing depression right now. I can’t afford to fall right now, but that has never stopped me before. It is strange to be living in fear like this. No matter how much time goes by, the threat of that abyss always seems like it could be around any corner, coming for me any day.

Wish me wellness and sanity because goddess knows I need all I can get right now. I will not fall if I have any choice in it. I will keep doing the things that are good for me, and I will keep talking about how bizarre this sane life feels to me. And I WILL NOT stop going to therapy because $15 a week is better than falling off the edge of the world, even if it seems like the $15 is too much to spend on myself. I will keep putting one foot on front of the other and I will survive. I will be strong so that my man can heal himself instead of pushing all of his feelings away so that he can take care of me. I will take care of myself so that he can do the same. I will. I will. I will.

ratatouille Sunday November 18, 2007

I am about to cuddle up with the family (even C!!) and watch Ratatouille.  Pillows, blankies, and the comfy futon by the fireplace.  After that we are going to have dinner with my dad and stepmom, baby bro, and GBE (SM’s mother who has Alzheimer’s and has recently moved in). We will probably discuss my Grandma’s service and go through the few things that we were able to bring home with us.   Should be fun…   I am so done with the drama.  I am officially stepping out of this crazy place and stepping through the door into acceptance.  I am not going to waste my precious energy on other’s bullshit.  I have enough of my own.  Time for the movie

today Saturday November 17, 2007

Today I feel like I am standing in the middle of a vortex of emotions and feelings. They are spinning all around me and every once in a while one of them lands on me and I must experience whatever it is that decides to hit me. Sad, happy, afraid, grateful, angry, hopeless, hopeful, whatever… It is intense and not very pleasant to say the least. Throughout this very strange day I have somehow found a wealth of patience and kindness for my children and their various hurts, fears, and joys. I have been patient with my 5yo’s constant chatting about whatever the obsession of the moment is. Electricity, how toilets flush, why it sometimes hurts to poop, how sad he is that his papa has to work so much and doesn’t have a lot of time for kid stuff right now. Somehow I have navigated these conversations with calmness, love, and joy. I have no idea how, but I did.

Today S scratched his nails on the chalkboard and for some reason I had this really intense visceral response. I had to go sit on my bed in the dark and try not to puke as well as breathing myself through the beginnings of a panic attack. It was very strange. It seems like a really bad example of the auditory sensitivity that accompanies my depression, at least I am trying to go with that theory anyway.

I got an apology from one of the Giant Gaping Assholes today, and C got one from the other, so maybe they are moving down my list to just Assholes instead of the superior rank of Giant Gaping Assholes. At least I hope so. I am really fearing the loss of these friends and I am not entirely sure why. I would kind of like to be rid of GGA#1, but for some reason this is hard for me to fathom. We have shared a lot as families for a long time, and it would be sad to me to see that chapter end. I wish we could just rewind and have this person back as a friend, instead of someone who has entirely lost my and C’s trust and respect. I don’t know why I can’t let go of this. As for GGA#2, I think we will recover, it seems all is not what it appeared, though she is still ranked Asshole for the time being. We’ll see.

I feel tired, vaguely depressed, and yet kind of ok. I am trying to just do this day one step at a time and I seem to be getting through it, but still, I am tired and ready for my bed as soon as the time comes.

so maybe I’ll start now… Friday November 16, 2007

I have time, and I am not overtaken by the numbness and grief that the loss of my grandma has left me with.  I will write.  I didn’t make it to the meeting last night.  I decided to join C and the kids to the book fair, and we had a good time.  I told the kids that we were making Christmas wish lists, that we would be buying nothing, but listening and watching for what they liked and wanted.  I took R to the journals and watched her oooh and aaah over the fancy leather bound, jewel encrusted beauties.  Her eight year old sensibilities left her longing for a book with a lock, however.  Which left us with only the kid-type journals to choose from, not as pretty, but they lock.  She does have a little brother, ya know.  Even though he does not yet know how to read, her craving and need for privacy has pushed her to NEED a lock.  And a promise that I would never ever read it with out her permission.  Watching my little girl grow up is harder than I ever imagined.  And the parts that are hard are not the ones that I thought they would be.  It is watching her grow wiser of the world and it’s dangers that is hard.  Listening to her relate playground battles and homework insecurities makes me want to cry with fury.  Fury that my baby is having to deal with the world, without me, and that I have to let her.  That is the hard part.

I saw my dad today, for the first time since I was in California.  He joined me and R for the Family Feast at S’s kindergarten class.   The feast was fun, and R enjoyed being sprung from class for an hour before recess   It was nice to be able to give my dad a bit of distraction and comfort after all that he did for me last week.  We are still trying to figure this damned service out.  My uncle is being so god-damned difficult.  I am angry with him for so many reasons

ok.  What the fucking fuck?!?  Every time I sit down to write someone fucking dies.  I just got a call that a close friend of my mom’s passed away…  Died of a pulmonary embolism and lied dead in her bathroom for three days until someone found her.  When my grandma died she wasn’t found for three days as well.  This is craziness.  I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something.  wow, I guess the Universe is trying to tell me to write my will or something?  OK!!!!!  I WILL DO IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I was going to write, and I guess I don’t have to stop…

I registered for school for Winter quarter.  That felt pretty good.  I hope I can deal with it by then.  I think I will be ready.  12 credits, Stress Management (ha! 2 credits, 2 Saturdays, easy!),  Modern American Women Writers (fun and easy! 5cr, M-Th), and Sociology of Minority Groups (5cr, M-Th, interesting, should be able to get a good grade).  So, school from 11:30 until 1:35 M-Th, and 2 Saturdays 9-6.  Sounds doable.  I am really looking forward to getting back to my “real” life, but I am enjoying this little vacation, if you can call it that.

And on to recovery…  I am clean.  Not using except for the good ‘ol green.  My care providers are aware of that and, although not exactly supportive, accept that I am not yet ready to work on that.  I can’t say that I haven’t thought about a fat line of oxy.  I have had a pretty hard time not choosing to go that route on a few occasions lately.  So, I know the demons have not left me completely, but I am strong enough to fight them.  I think that all of the stress that I have been dealing with is contributing a lot to that situation.  Old habits die hard, or at least that’s what they say.  And the fact that C is still struggling a bit is making it a bit harder for me.  I don’t really want to ask, and he doesn’t really want to tell me about it, but it’s like the pink elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is pretending isn’t there.  He tells me he’s ok, and we are so fucking broke that I know he can’t be using much, but it is still a tricky subject for us.  And for some reason, even though I told him I was going to give the AA thing a try, he acted all weird about it last night when I said that I wanted to go to a meeting.  He said that he thought I said that I didn’t like it and didn’t want to go anymore.  I never said that, in fact I told him that I wanted to try the women’s only meetings before I decided, so I don’t know what that was about.  I think he has a lot of feelings about 12 step, and I guess I do too.  But I also feel like I could really use some support right now, and maybe a room full of women that are all struggling in the ways that I am might really help me.  I can take what I need from these meetings and leave the rest.  For some reason a good number of our good friends have decided to turn into giant gaping assholes lately is really not helping with the whole “support network” thing, ya know.

hmmm  I seem to have run out of words so I guess I’m done for now.

update Thursday November 15, 2007

I promise (myself) that this weekend I will get back to my daily blogging.  I am missing it, but I just don’t have anything left over right now.  All of my energy is going into keeping myself on target.  This week has been incredibly difficult, dealing with the loss of my grandma, my kids freaking cause I was gone and they are sad and clingy as well, feeling tired as hell from all of these emotions pouring through me, and just basically using all of my inner resources to keep moving and getting the shit that needs to get done done.  So, I haven’t feel off the edge of the world just yet, and I’m not planning to anytime soon.  Still meeting with my therapist, still getting supplemented with 4mg orally daily, will be getting the 5th stick on Tuesday…  And I think that I will try to make it to the Womens Meeting tonight.

this is the deal Sunday November 11, 2007

I have been out of town all week so I have not been posting.  My most beloved grandma passed away last week and I was in LA dealing with her affairs and arguing with relatives about how things should be handled due to the fact that she left no instructions.  I am so so sad and exhausted and confused and very glad to be back home in the arms of my kids and husband.  I missed them terribly while I was gone, I needed their support but with the finances the way they are that just wasn’t an option. I have returned with my grandma’s best friend in the world, her kitty, and I have her to snuggle with which is helping much more than I thought it would.  While I was there I went and got her favorite flower tattooed on my shoulder, a bird of paradise, so she will be with me always, and also as a way of marking this passage in my life.  I am brain dead and tired.  I think I will go take a bath and a nap, eat something, and try to get stronger, because I know that this grief is not over and I need to take care of myself.