today Saturday November 17, 2007

Today I feel like I am standing in the middle of a vortex of emotions and feelings. They are spinning all around me and every once in a while one of them lands on me and I must experience whatever it is that decides to hit me. Sad, happy, afraid, grateful, angry, hopeless, hopeful, whatever… It is intense and not very pleasant to say the least. Throughout this very strange day I have somehow found a wealth of patience and kindness for my children and their various hurts, fears, and joys. I have been patient with my 5yo’s constant chatting about whatever the obsession of the moment is. Electricity, how toilets flush, why it sometimes hurts to poop, how sad he is that his papa has to work so much and doesn’t have a lot of time for kid stuff right now. Somehow I have navigated these conversations with calmness, love, and joy. I have no idea how, but I did.

Today S scratched his nails on the chalkboard and for some reason I had this really intense visceral response. I had to go sit on my bed in the dark and try not to puke as well as breathing myself through the beginnings of a panic attack. It was very strange. It seems like a really bad example of the auditory sensitivity that accompanies my depression, at least I am trying to go with that theory anyway.

I got an apology from one of the Giant Gaping Assholes today, and C got one from the other, so maybe they are moving down my list to just Assholes instead of the superior rank of Giant Gaping Assholes. At least I hope so. I am really fearing the loss of these friends and I am not entirely sure why. I would kind of like to be rid of GGA#1, but for some reason this is hard for me to fathom. We have shared a lot as families for a long time, and it would be sad to me to see that chapter end. I wish we could just rewind and have this person back as a friend, instead of someone who has entirely lost my and C’s trust and respect. I don’t know why I can’t let go of this. As for GGA#2, I think we will recover, it seems all is not what it appeared, though she is still ranked Asshole for the time being. We’ll see.

I feel tired, vaguely depressed, and yet kind of ok. I am trying to just do this day one step at a time and I seem to be getting through it, but still, I am tired and ready for my bed as soon as the time comes.

so maybe I’ll start now… Friday November 16, 2007

I have time, and I am not overtaken by the numbness and grief that the loss of my grandma has left me with.  I will write.  I didn’t make it to the meeting last night.  I decided to join C and the kids to the book fair, and we had a good time.  I told the kids that we were making Christmas wish lists, that we would be buying nothing, but listening and watching for what they liked and wanted.  I took R to the journals and watched her oooh and aaah over the fancy leather bound, jewel encrusted beauties.  Her eight year old sensibilities left her longing for a book with a lock, however.  Which left us with only the kid-type journals to choose from, not as pretty, but they lock.  She does have a little brother, ya know.  Even though he does not yet know how to read, her craving and need for privacy has pushed her to NEED a lock.  And a promise that I would never ever read it with out her permission.  Watching my little girl grow up is harder than I ever imagined.  And the parts that are hard are not the ones that I thought they would be.  It is watching her grow wiser of the world and it’s dangers that is hard.  Listening to her relate playground battles and homework insecurities makes me want to cry with fury.  Fury that my baby is having to deal with the world, without me, and that I have to let her.  That is the hard part.

I saw my dad today, for the first time since I was in California.  He joined me and R for the Family Feast at S’s kindergarten class.   The feast was fun, and R enjoyed being sprung from class for an hour before recess   It was nice to be able to give my dad a bit of distraction and comfort after all that he did for me last week.  We are still trying to figure this damned service out.  My uncle is being so god-damned difficult.  I am angry with him for so many reasons

ok.  What the fucking fuck?!?  Every time I sit down to write someone fucking dies.  I just got a call that a close friend of my mom’s passed away…  Died of a pulmonary embolism and lied dead in her bathroom for three days until someone found her.  When my grandma died she wasn’t found for three days as well.  This is craziness.  I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something.  wow, I guess the Universe is trying to tell me to write my will or something?  OK!!!!!  I WILL DO IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I was going to write, and I guess I don’t have to stop…

I registered for school for Winter quarter.  That felt pretty good.  I hope I can deal with it by then.  I think I will be ready.  12 credits, Stress Management (ha! 2 credits, 2 Saturdays, easy!),  Modern American Women Writers (fun and easy! 5cr, M-Th), and Sociology of Minority Groups (5cr, M-Th, interesting, should be able to get a good grade).  So, school from 11:30 until 1:35 M-Th, and 2 Saturdays 9-6.  Sounds doable.  I am really looking forward to getting back to my “real” life, but I am enjoying this little vacation, if you can call it that.

And on to recovery…  I am clean.  Not using except for the good ‘ol green.  My care providers are aware of that and, although not exactly supportive, accept that I am not yet ready to work on that.  I can’t say that I haven’t thought about a fat line of oxy.  I have had a pretty hard time not choosing to go that route on a few occasions lately.  So, I know the demons have not left me completely, but I am strong enough to fight them.  I think that all of the stress that I have been dealing with is contributing a lot to that situation.  Old habits die hard, or at least that’s what they say.  And the fact that C is still struggling a bit is making it a bit harder for me.  I don’t really want to ask, and he doesn’t really want to tell me about it, but it’s like the pink elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is pretending isn’t there.  He tells me he’s ok, and we are so fucking broke that I know he can’t be using much, but it is still a tricky subject for us.  And for some reason, even though I told him I was going to give the AA thing a try, he acted all weird about it last night when I said that I wanted to go to a meeting.  He said that he thought I said that I didn’t like it and didn’t want to go anymore.  I never said that, in fact I told him that I wanted to try the women’s only meetings before I decided, so I don’t know what that was about.  I think he has a lot of feelings about 12 step, and I guess I do too.  But I also feel like I could really use some support right now, and maybe a room full of women that are all struggling in the ways that I am might really help me.  I can take what I need from these meetings and leave the rest.  For some reason a good number of our good friends have decided to turn into giant gaping assholes lately is really not helping with the whole “support network” thing, ya know.

hmmm  I seem to have run out of words so I guess I’m done for now.

an open invitation Tuesday October 30, 2007

To any of you out there in web land who are reading this blog.  If you are in recovery, if you are trying to decide if Suboxone is right for you, if you are depressed, if you are a mother who struggles with mental illness or addiction, I want to hear from you.  I need support.  And I truly believe that support is a flow of energy.  That means that if I can help you with my words, then you can help me with yours.  Leave me a comment, send me a link to your blog or page.  I want to widen my safety net, and I am really getting attached to reading the kind words that are left for me when I am struggling.  It really does help.  So, to all of you out there, say hello, or help, or whatever it is that you are thinking.  I need you all.

quick Monday October 29, 2007

I only have 3 minutes before I have to go get the kids from the bus. BUT I saw my people today (study coordinator, doctor, therapist), all of whom were very sorry for what I went through this weekend. My doc immediately gave me 4mg dose of Sub in the office, along with 6mg to take home (1mg later today, and then 5mg for tomorrow). I started feeling better in no time flat. I am so relieved and happy that all of this weekend’s drama is over. So, it looks like I will be supplementing with the Suboxone for 2 weeks, and then I will get a 5th implant put in, which should solve the problem. Woooooohoooooo. I can’t even put into words how relieved I am. I was getting really spun out on the idea of having gotten a placebo and having to figure out what the hell to do next. So, I gotta run, but thanks for all of the kind words when I needed to hear them so badly.

Oh, and hello SuboxoneMom. I am glad to have you reading and helping me with your experiences. The more support the better, right? Do you have a blog I can read? I can’t seem to find a link…

to survivorkara Monday October 22, 2007

You know, in all of the years I have known you, you were never a person that I felt I could count on. Now that you are free of your addiction you are becoming a person that I can really relate to. I have always cared for you, don’t get me wrong, but your were someone that I had to be careful around. You know me, I get hurt easily, and it hurt me to see what was happening to you, by your own hand. I am incredibly proud and inspired by you and how you have changed. It is beautiful, like you have been reborn or uncovered or something. I don’t know what it is, but I think what I am seeing is the real you. The caring, honest, strong woman and mother that you really are. I just can’t believe that it is really possible for a person to change that much in such a short amount of time. It gives me hope for myself Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I love you and I am really really proud of you.