fucking hell of a day Sunday March 9, 2008

It  was doomed from the start.  The kids woke up with fevers.  Again.  I dropped them with my mama and zipped off to work.  Fun fun fun.

Then I got a message from the woman who is the executor of my grandma’s estate (!)  Apparently my uncle has told her that I am a thief and a liar, and not only that, but my sister and I ransacked my grandma’s house and stole everything that we got our hands on, including a vacuum cleaner, a blood pressure cuff, and her fucking depends.  Oh, and they want her pillows back because apparently they are quite valuable????  WTF?!?!?!

These people are such fuckers.  I cannot for the life of me understand why they are villianizing me and saying such aweful things about me.  I loved my grandma so much it hurts.  She was one of my best friends.  We talked about everything, including the fact that she was afraid to make a will because she thought that my dad or his brother would quit taking care of her if she told them what she wanted.  So she left it all up in the air.

She told me many many times that I should “take care of things” when she passed, but would never tell me what she meant by that.  So when I got word that she had died, I flew my ass to LA and tried my best to do what she would have wanted.  I looked through her house for any type of document stating her wishes.  I cleaned the bloodstain off of her carpet from where she lay for 3 days because my dumass uncle couldn’t be bothered to drive the 5 min to her house and check on her like he was supposed to.  I cleaned her house as best as I could.  I was told by my uncle’s bitch-ass wife that I couldn’t pack up her clothes for donation, I couldn’t cancel her credit cards, nor could I do anything else for that matter.

No one was concerned with putting a service together.  She still hasn’t had one.  How fucking ridiculous is that?  She died in NOVEMBER for fucks sake.  And now I am being accused of stealing everything in the world.  I took NOTHING from her home with the exception of her pillows and her perfume.  Not one other god damned thing.  Oh, and her cat.  Her beloved baby.  I took the cat because they all wanted to have her put down.

But somehow I am now being threatened with lawsuits and god knows what else and it is breaking my heart.  I just cannot understand why they are being so fucking ridiculous.  I was told today that they cannot go on with the probate until I return her pillows!  Are you kidding me??  They came from K-Mart.  They are nothing special.  But they bring me comfort.  They smell like her.  I cry myself to sleep on them more nights that I would like to share.  I am NOT giving them back.  Fuck them.

I loved my grandma more than the rest of them combined from the looks of it.  Who the fuck cares if I sleep on her pillow?  And why?  This is my family!  It makes no fucking sense to me.  I want nothing from her estate.  She was poor.  She lived in a one bedroom condo.  I don’t want money or jewelery or any of that crap.  I just want to be left alone with my grief so I can try to honor her memory and not be dragged through the mud.

So I came home and cried and took a bath and hugged my kids and took a klonopin and a bath and I am trying to get over the fact that I come from a long long line of assholes.  I refuse to get pulled into this fucking bizarre game of theirs.  They can all fuck off as far as I am concerned.  I loved my grandma and she loved me and they can’t fucking take that away from me no matter how hard they try.  We had something very very special and I refuse to taint her memory with all of this bullshit.  She deserves so much better than that.  We all do.

So now I am going to rest my weary soul (on my grandma’s pillow!) and try to sleep and hope that tomorrow will be better.  I have the $ for my therapy appt and I have childcare for my sick kids and I will keep on going.  And I will remember my grandma for the outrageous, hilarious, beautiful, strong woman that she was.  And I will remember that she was so so proud of me because I somehow managed to not turn out to be an asshole despite all odds.  She was amazed by the beauty of my life and I will remember her for making me feel so proud of myself and grateful that she cared enough to notice.

Goodnight grandma.  I love you.  And I miss you really  really bad right now.  I hope  things are good for you wherever you are.

ratatouille Sunday November 18, 2007

I am about to cuddle up with the family (even C!!) and watch Ratatouille.  Pillows, blankies, and the comfy futon by the fireplace.  After that we are going to have dinner with my dad and stepmom, baby bro, and GBE (SM’s mother who has Alzheimer’s and has recently moved in). We will probably discuss my Grandma’s service and go through the few things that we were able to bring home with us.   Should be fun…   I am so done with the drama.  I am officially stepping out of this crazy place and stepping through the door into acceptance.  I am not going to waste my precious energy on other’s bullshit.  I have enough of my own.  Time for the movie

so maybe I’ll start now… Friday November 16, 2007

I have time, and I am not overtaken by the numbness and grief that the loss of my grandma has left me with.  I will write.  I didn’t make it to the meeting last night.  I decided to join C and the kids to the book fair, and we had a good time.  I told the kids that we were making Christmas wish lists, that we would be buying nothing, but listening and watching for what they liked and wanted.  I took R to the journals and watched her oooh and aaah over the fancy leather bound, jewel encrusted beauties.  Her eight year old sensibilities left her longing for a book with a lock, however.  Which left us with only the kid-type journals to choose from, not as pretty, but they lock.  She does have a little brother, ya know.  Even though he does not yet know how to read, her craving and need for privacy has pushed her to NEED a lock.  And a promise that I would never ever read it with out her permission.  Watching my little girl grow up is harder than I ever imagined.  And the parts that are hard are not the ones that I thought they would be.  It is watching her grow wiser of the world and it’s dangers that is hard.  Listening to her relate playground battles and homework insecurities makes me want to cry with fury.  Fury that my baby is having to deal with the world, without me, and that I have to let her.  That is the hard part.

I saw my dad today, for the first time since I was in California.  He joined me and R for the Family Feast at S’s kindergarten class.   The feast was fun, and R enjoyed being sprung from class for an hour before recess   It was nice to be able to give my dad a bit of distraction and comfort after all that he did for me last week.  We are still trying to figure this damned service out.  My uncle is being so god-damned difficult.  I am angry with him for so many reasons

ok.  What the fucking fuck?!?  Every time I sit down to write someone fucking dies.  I just got a call that a close friend of my mom’s passed away…  Died of a pulmonary embolism and lied dead in her bathroom for three days until someone found her.  When my grandma died she wasn’t found for three days as well.  This is craziness.  I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something.  wow, I guess the Universe is trying to tell me to write my will or something?  OK!!!!!  I WILL DO IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I was going to write, and I guess I don’t have to stop…

I registered for school for Winter quarter.  That felt pretty good.  I hope I can deal with it by then.  I think I will be ready.  12 credits, Stress Management (ha! 2 credits, 2 Saturdays, easy!),  Modern American Women Writers (fun and easy! 5cr, M-Th), and Sociology of Minority Groups (5cr, M-Th, interesting, should be able to get a good grade).  So, school from 11:30 until 1:35 M-Th, and 2 Saturdays 9-6.  Sounds doable.  I am really looking forward to getting back to my “real” life, but I am enjoying this little vacation, if you can call it that.

And on to recovery…  I am clean.  Not using except for the good ‘ol green.  My care providers are aware of that and, although not exactly supportive, accept that I am not yet ready to work on that.  I can’t say that I haven’t thought about a fat line of oxy.  I have had a pretty hard time not choosing to go that route on a few occasions lately.  So, I know the demons have not left me completely, but I am strong enough to fight them.  I think that all of the stress that I have been dealing with is contributing a lot to that situation.  Old habits die hard, or at least that’s what they say.  And the fact that C is still struggling a bit is making it a bit harder for me.  I don’t really want to ask, and he doesn’t really want to tell me about it, but it’s like the pink elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is pretending isn’t there.  He tells me he’s ok, and we are so fucking broke that I know he can’t be using much, but it is still a tricky subject for us.  And for some reason, even though I told him I was going to give the AA thing a try, he acted all weird about it last night when I said that I wanted to go to a meeting.  He said that he thought I said that I didn’t like it and didn’t want to go anymore.  I never said that, in fact I told him that I wanted to try the women’s only meetings before I decided, so I don’t know what that was about.  I think he has a lot of feelings about 12 step, and I guess I do too.  But I also feel like I could really use some support right now, and maybe a room full of women that are all struggling in the ways that I am might really help me.  I can take what I need from these meetings and leave the rest.  For some reason a good number of our good friends have decided to turn into giant gaping assholes lately is really not helping with the whole “support network” thing, ya know.

hmmm  I seem to have run out of words so I guess I’m done for now.

update Thursday November 15, 2007

I promise (myself) that this weekend I will get back to my daily blogging.  I am missing it, but I just don’t have anything left over right now.  All of my energy is going into keeping myself on target.  This week has been incredibly difficult, dealing with the loss of my grandma, my kids freaking cause I was gone and they are sad and clingy as well, feeling tired as hell from all of these emotions pouring through me, and just basically using all of my inner resources to keep moving and getting the shit that needs to get done done.  So, I haven’t feel off the edge of the world just yet, and I’m not planning to anytime soon.  Still meeting with my therapist, still getting supplemented with 4mg orally daily, will be getting the 5th stick on Tuesday…  And I think that I will try to make it to the Womens Meeting tonight.

this is the deal Sunday November 11, 2007

I have been out of town all week so I have not been posting.  My most beloved grandma passed away last week and I was in LA dealing with her affairs and arguing with relatives about how things should be handled due to the fact that she left no instructions.  I am so so sad and exhausted and confused and very glad to be back home in the arms of my kids and husband.  I missed them terribly while I was gone, I needed their support but with the finances the way they are that just wasn’t an option. I have returned with my grandma’s best friend in the world, her kitty, and I have her to snuggle with which is helping much more than I thought it would.  While I was there I went and got her favorite flower tattooed on my shoulder, a bird of paradise, so she will be with me always, and also as a way of marking this passage in my life.  I am brain dead and tired.  I think I will go take a bath and a nap, eat something, and try to get stronger, because I know that this grief is not over and I need to take care of myself.