so so broke Saturday March 8, 2008

I have to search my house for things to pawn to buy groceries today. Yesterday I sold off half of my beloved book collection for $40 for gas and food. My partner is working his ass off day and night, I am awaiting the holy grail, my Fin-Aid check, and yet we still cannot seem to get it together financially. We aren’t spending dough on dope anymore, yet we are broker than ever. I don’t get it. Where the hell does it all go??? My kids are bitching because they are starting to hate the food bank fare that we have been living on for months now. That, and they say the the free school lunch and breakfast is gross. Sorry, babies, but it’s what I got.

Why can’t I just fast forward through this sucky part of my life and get to my well paid career? I have been broke for the entirety of my adult life and I really am starting to resent it. We work hard. We don’t blow our $$ on cd’s or movies or even going out to eat. We live frugally, we make a middle class wage and we can’t fucking make ends meet. How the hell am I supposed to get through four more years of school when I feel the pull to work to fill in the gap. The only problem with that theory is that I make more in loans and grants than I could earn at a job because I HAVE NO EDUCATION! Screwed any which way I look at it. BLECK!!!

But, even through this, I am not being pulled into the abyss of depression. I can look at these problems and see them for what they are. Sucky circumstances. Not that I am a horrible person. Not that my family would be better off without my lazy ass. Just circumstance. That, at least, is a relief.

I keep wondering how this is possible. It has got to be the suboxone, because this shit would always pull me in before. Or maybe it is that my lover is struggling with his with is own crushing depression right now. I can’t afford to fall right now, but that has never stopped me before. It is strange to be living in fear like this. No matter how much time goes by, the threat of that abyss always seems like it could be around any corner, coming for me any day.

Wish me wellness and sanity because goddess knows I need all I can get right now. I will not fall if I have any choice in it. I will keep doing the things that are good for me, and I will keep talking about how bizarre this sane life feels to me. And I WILL NOT stop going to therapy because $15 a week is better than falling off the edge of the world, even if it seems like the $15 is too much to spend on myself. I will keep putting one foot on front of the other and I will survive. I will be strong so that my man can heal himself instead of pushing all of his feelings away so that he can take care of me. I will take care of myself so that he can do the same. I will. I will. I will.

today Saturday November 17, 2007

Today I feel like I am standing in the middle of a vortex of emotions and feelings. They are spinning all around me and every once in a while one of them lands on me and I must experience whatever it is that decides to hit me. Sad, happy, afraid, grateful, angry, hopeless, hopeful, whatever… It is intense and not very pleasant to say the least. Throughout this very strange day I have somehow found a wealth of patience and kindness for my children and their various hurts, fears, and joys. I have been patient with my 5yo’s constant chatting about whatever the obsession of the moment is. Electricity, how toilets flush, why it sometimes hurts to poop, how sad he is that his papa has to work so much and doesn’t have a lot of time for kid stuff right now. Somehow I have navigated these conversations with calmness, love, and joy. I have no idea how, but I did.

Today S scratched his nails on the chalkboard and for some reason I had this really intense visceral response. I had to go sit on my bed in the dark and try not to puke as well as breathing myself through the beginnings of a panic attack. It was very strange. It seems like a really bad example of the auditory sensitivity that accompanies my depression, at least I am trying to go with that theory anyway.

I got an apology from one of the Giant Gaping Assholes today, and C got one from the other, so maybe they are moving down my list to just Assholes instead of the superior rank of Giant Gaping Assholes. At least I hope so. I am really fearing the loss of these friends and I am not entirely sure why. I would kind of like to be rid of GGA#1, but for some reason this is hard for me to fathom. We have shared a lot as families for a long time, and it would be sad to me to see that chapter end. I wish we could just rewind and have this person back as a friend, instead of someone who has entirely lost my and C’s trust and respect. I don’t know why I can’t let go of this. As for GGA#2, I think we will recover, it seems all is not what it appeared, though she is still ranked Asshole for the time being. We’ll see.

I feel tired, vaguely depressed, and yet kind of ok. I am trying to just do this day one step at a time and I seem to be getting through it, but still, I am tired and ready for my bed as soon as the time comes.

lazy sunday Sunday November 4, 2007

The family (extra relatives anyway) have returned home.  The kids are watching movies and gorging on halloween candy.  C is feeling better, and is actually home!  The house is clean, and there is no projects that are pressing at the moment, so we are just chill.

I am going to my first “meeting” tonight.  I looked at the AA website and I found a candlelight meeting tonight that is near my house.  Candles are nice, at least there will be that… My therapist has convinced me that I should at least check a few out BEFORE I try to tell her that they suck and are stupid.  That really is how I think I feel, but I made an agreement with myself to actually try to follow her advice.  Um, mostly cause look where following my own instinct got me….  So, tonight, “Hi, my name is Angst and I am an addict.” Sweeeeeet.  Good thing I have all day to build up nerve.

Oh, and today I have one week clean.  Last weekend was shite, but I already wrote all about that, so I will just say that I am proud and feel kind of silly about it and also, cannot fucking believe that it has only been a week.  It seems like a year.  I seriously don’t even miss it much anymore.  Suboxone is a fucking miracle and I can’t even imagine where I would be emotionally right now without it.  Hmmmm.  I am so grateful for this opportunity and I swear I am not going to fuck it up this time.  Really.  I am trying so hard, but even that seem kind of easy with the Sub.  Fucking Miracle, I tell ya.

Andrea Saturday November 3, 2007

I just wanted to tell you that I am thing about you today and what a great big step forward you are taking right now.  Believe in hope.  Please check in with me if you feel like it, I would love to hear how it goes for you.  For me, my first day was like a double scoop ice cream cone on a hot summer day.  Perfect.  I was more myself within 20 minutes than I can remember feeling in my last 30 years.  Peace to you, and enjoy your journey.

the progress report Thursday November 1, 2007

I had therapy again today. I LOVE my therapist. She is so understanding and thoughtful, and I am so grateful for the opportunity I have been given to be able to work with her. For free! Today was my second appt. with her and I feel like she is already really understanding what I need from her. I am totally willing to show up, which she is so happy about, but I also am open to really doing the work that needs to be done. We had a really good session today, and I swear at one point I saw a tear roll down her cheek. Now she would never be so unprofessional as to actually address that, but I saw it and it meant so so much to me. I have looked so long and so hard for the help (a qualified therapist) that I need. For one reason or another nothing ever worked out for me. But here before me is this grand opportunity, all I have to do is show up, work hard, and be honest. I can do that.

As for the Suboxone, I am now getting 4mg/day in addition to the implant and will be receiving the 5th implant on Tuesday. Hopefully that does the trick as far as the dosing goes. I am so looking forward to no more orange-vomit tabs. There is  a part of me that is stressing that the dosing won’t be enough still, or it just won’t work, or whatever, but I am trying to ride it out. There really is no way to predict, but it looks like I am in a pretty good position to be helped by the 5th implant. The fact that I am doing really well on 4-mg orally kind of tells me that the 4 sticks in my arm are doing something, they just aren’t doing enough. So I will cross my fingers and toes and try not to spin out about it. It will be what it is meant to be. As bottlecappie put it, I have been randomized.