Sunday, sunday…. Sunday April 6, 2008

The homework is done, the mother in law is gone, the kids are out with their dad (who is taking a much needed day off) and I have time to blog.  So far I am keeping up with the school pace, but if history has taught me anything, it is week 3 that I need to fear.  Things roll along kind of quietly until then, and then BAM! shit starts to get out of control.  If I can stay on top of the readings and homework then I think I will be alright.

One of the best parts of keeping really busy, is that I have a great excuse for having a messy house. No one expects a crazy full time student mama to keep a clean house.  Hell, I could probably get away with feeding them TV dinners every night if I wanted to, lol.  But, alas, my nutrition class will prevent me from ever being able to do that in good conscience.  We will stick to the usual routine of pasta and salad.  Nutritious, even if it is boring.  At least they eat it.

I have decided that since it is spring and all, I am going to keep parking at the shuttle lot, shuttle in to school in the morning, and then walk the mile or so back every day as long as it isn’t pissing down rain.  So far, so good.  And I even had a great excuse to go buy some new Keens   The exercise feels good to my muscles and my mind.  I got a bit out of the habit of walking with the bad weather, and I am really proud that I am motivated to do even this small thing for myself.  Things have changed so much for me, it is hard to take in all of the changes sometimes.  I know that I am having the longest run of feeling “normal” (god I hate that word…) that I can remember.  I know that a good part of it is the Suboxone, but I also feel things changing.  I am learning new ways of handling my feelings and speaking my mind.  It feels really good, I must say.

Maybe one of these days I will have to change the name of my blog, I am starting to feel the twinges of actually BEING the new me.  Weird.  I certainly wasn’t expecting that.

As I was finishing up that last entry Monday March 24, 2008

Mr. A&J came home from work, and asked me how my day was.  All of a sudden I was weeping, telling him about how much this blog means to me.  How it feels like a lifeline sometimes, and how much it amazes and awes me that other people read it and find truth in my words.  He told me that he was so proud of the work that I am doing and that of course people respond to what I write, because I tell my truth.  God, I love that man.

And then…  He said why don’t we get some old bread together and go feed the ducks after we pick up the little ones from school.  A family outing?!?  Holy shit!   I am blown away by the re-connection that is happening here.  Is it possible that we may find our way through this labyrinth of life and still be holding hands at the end of it?  I was really starting to wonder for a while, but I have new hope.  I think we might just make it.

lazy sunday Sunday November 4, 2007

The family (extra relatives anyway) have returned home.  The kids are watching movies and gorging on halloween candy.  C is feeling better, and is actually home!  The house is clean, and there is no projects that are pressing at the moment, so we are just chill.

I am going to my first “meeting” tonight.  I looked at the AA website and I found a candlelight meeting tonight that is near my house.  Candles are nice, at least there will be that… My therapist has convinced me that I should at least check a few out BEFORE I try to tell her that they suck and are stupid.  That really is how I think I feel, but I made an agreement with myself to actually try to follow her advice.  Um, mostly cause look where following my own instinct got me….  So, tonight, “Hi, my name is Angst and I am an addict.” Sweeeeeet.  Good thing I have all day to build up nerve.

Oh, and today I have one week clean.  Last weekend was shite, but I already wrote all about that, so I will just say that I am proud and feel kind of silly about it and also, cannot fucking believe that it has only been a week.  It seems like a year.  I seriously don’t even miss it much anymore.  Suboxone is a fucking miracle and I can’t even imagine where I would be emotionally right now without it.  Hmmmm.  I am so grateful for this opportunity and I swear I am not going to fuck it up this time.  Really.  I am trying so hard, but even that seem kind of easy with the Sub.  Fucking Miracle, I tell ya.

Andrea Saturday November 3, 2007

I just wanted to tell you that I am thing about you today and what a great big step forward you are taking right now.  Believe in hope.  Please check in with me if you feel like it, I would love to hear how it goes for you.  For me, my first day was like a double scoop ice cream cone on a hot summer day.  Perfect.  I was more myself within 20 minutes than I can remember feeling in my last 30 years.  Peace to you, and enjoy your journey.

the progress report Thursday November 1, 2007

I had therapy again today. I LOVE my therapist. She is so understanding and thoughtful, and I am so grateful for the opportunity I have been given to be able to work with her. For free! Today was my second appt. with her and I feel like she is already really understanding what I need from her. I am totally willing to show up, which she is so happy about, but I also am open to really doing the work that needs to be done. We had a really good session today, and I swear at one point I saw a tear roll down her cheek. Now she would never be so unprofessional as to actually address that, but I saw it and it meant so so much to me. I have looked so long and so hard for the help (a qualified therapist) that I need. For one reason or another nothing ever worked out for me. But here before me is this grand opportunity, all I have to do is show up, work hard, and be honest. I can do that.

As for the Suboxone, I am now getting 4mg/day in addition to the implant and will be receiving the 5th implant on Tuesday. Hopefully that does the trick as far as the dosing goes. I am so looking forward to no more orange-vomit tabs. There is  a part of me that is stressing that the dosing won’t be enough still, or it just won’t work, or whatever, but I am trying to ride it out. There really is no way to predict, but it looks like I am in a pretty good position to be helped by the 5th implant. The fact that I am doing really well on 4-mg orally kind of tells me that the 4 sticks in my arm are doing something, they just aren’t doing enough. So I will cross my fingers and toes and try not to spin out about it. It will be what it is meant to be. As bottlecappie put it, I have been randomized.

an open invitation Tuesday October 30, 2007

To any of you out there in web land who are reading this blog.  If you are in recovery, if you are trying to decide if Suboxone is right for you, if you are depressed, if you are a mother who struggles with mental illness or addiction, I want to hear from you.  I need support.  And I truly believe that support is a flow of energy.  That means that if I can help you with my words, then you can help me with yours.  Leave me a comment, send me a link to your blog or page.  I want to widen my safety net, and I am really getting attached to reading the kind words that are left for me when I am struggling.  It really does help.  So, to all of you out there, say hello, or help, or whatever it is that you are thinking.  I need you all.

to survivorkara Monday October 22, 2007

You know, in all of the years I have known you, you were never a person that I felt I could count on. Now that you are free of your addiction you are becoming a person that I can really relate to. I have always cared for you, don’t get me wrong, but your were someone that I had to be careful around. You know me, I get hurt easily, and it hurt me to see what was happening to you, by your own hand. I am incredibly proud and inspired by you and how you have changed. It is beautiful, like you have been reborn or uncovered or something. I don’t know what it is, but I think what I am seeing is the real you. The caring, honest, strong woman and mother that you really are. I just can’t believe that it is really possible for a person to change that much in such a short amount of time. It gives me hope for myself Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I love you and I am really really proud of you.

Borrowed… Sunday October 21, 2007

Depression is a term commonly used to describe a sad or down mood, or the loss of pleasure in normally pleasurable activities. Major Depressive Disorder is a clinical disease that is typified by an overwhelming sadness, despair, and melancholy. In the Depressed person, this mood state advances to the point of being destructive to an individual’s ability to maintain personal hygiene, friendships, relationships and/or keep a job. Symptoms of Depression include change in appetite, marked weight gain or loss, disturbed sleep patterns, including insomnia, loss of REM sleep, or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping), psychomotor agitation or retardation, fatigue, overwhelming feelings of guilt, nervousness, helplessness, hopelessness, isolation, anxiety, trouble concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions leading to a decrease in overall cognition (also callled “poverty of thought”), recurrent thoughts of death, desire to just “lie down and die”, or “stop breathing”, recurrent suicidal ideation with or without a plan, and suicide attempts.

Other symptoms, which are not necessarily relevant to diagnosis, but which may be present include self-loathing, a decrease in self-esteem, sensitivity to noise, physical aches and pains, fear of going crazy, change in perception of time, periods of uncontrollable sobbing, sudden behavioral changes, such as aggression and or irritability, a feeling of impending doom, avoiding social situations or being late often, excessive procrastination, and excessive use of drugs and or alcohol.

So that is from the The Snake Pit’s blog…The bold is mine, the symptoms that are my part of my daily life. Until now. For the first time I can remember, including my torturous childhood, I no longer fit into that category. First of all, I have never read such a well written description of what my depression was like, especially the sensitivity to noise part. I most definitely experience that, and have never seen it connected to depressive symptoms until now. It was just like that. I hope that I can maintain this place of healing that I am in. I never want to feel like that again. I think that is my biggest fear right now. Falling back in the pit. I don’t know if I can do it again. I feel like I will drown in my own sadness. I want to be well. I want to be well. I want to be well.

Day -1 Tuesday October 16, 2007

I have made a promise to myself to track my progression through this all here in this safe place.

Today was my last day before induction. I took about 20 Vicoden (all I had) in the hopes to get high one last time. It didn’t work, but at least I wasn’t sick…

My induction is tomorrow, as I said, and I am feeling really strange about it. So hopeful. So grateful for some help finally. But worried, too. What if it doesn’t work for me? What if I didn’t wait long enough and I get really sick? What if I dissapoint myself? My husband? My team? My kids? I am so worried about failing again. I am so ashamed at what I have done to my life and to his. I have made him lie for me, spend money that wasn’t ours to support my habit. I never want to do that to him again. I really can’t believe that we let things get this far out of hand. And how I had to search and search for help. It was unbelievable. I am apparently too poor, too rich, too white, too well, too sick, too whathefuckever for them to help me.

I am really grateful for the place that I have found. They are so kind to me. I really feel like they might be able to help us. I want help. I want to be well so so badly. I can almost taste it. Please let this help me because if it doesn’t I don’t know what we will do. How we will manage. I know that I can’t live like this forever. I am on the verge of loosing it all. Myself included.

Day -2 Monday October 15, 2007

Had my big appointment today. Blood work, EKG, interviews, the whole shebang, Met my doctor and found out all about the Suboxone program. I am feeling very strange about all of this. I want so badly to be released from my monster of addiction but my fear of my depression and anxiety is making me panic a bit. I hope that I can find the joy in my life again, that I can learn how to be human again, but I fear that I may be shooting too high with these wishes. I begin induction on Wed and I am seriously fighting the urge to get really really high because I know that it’s over. I hope that I can make it through. I am so close now. I feel good knowing that I have, like, 5 people to call if I am having trouble, but I am still worried. The urge to lie and hide things is very strong, I have promised myself to be completely honest throughout this process but I keep worrying that I will decide to lie for no good reason. Old habits die hard, I guess. The countdown is on.

For my entire life I have suffered from chronic depression, which after the birth of my children began to cycle at an increasingly rapid pace. I tried every antidepressant on the market, they all had tons of side effects, but my depression remained the same. As things got worse and worse I began to experiment with opiates. Amazing! I was feeling great, tons of energy, and life was great. For a while. And however many years later, here I am. Having the worst depression of my life. Doing waaay too many pills just not to get sick. At the end of my rope. My husband is fed up. My kids miss me. I am not doing well in school. I am ready to be done, but every time I quit I get suicidal. Panic Attacks. Nonstop crying for days on end. Puking.

The bottom line is, I have been looking for help with my depression for so long, and I know that the depression is what led me to my opiate use/abuse. There is tons of research out there that says that Sub can have a tremendous effect on treatment resistant depression as well as helping me with my opiate problem.

I kind of feel like this is my last chance or something. I have tried so many things. This feels like hope. The program consists of 3 visits a week; 3 urine tests, 2 counseling visits, and a treatment visit to assess medication issues and such. My program will be one year at minimum (with the counseling, urine tests, and treatment visits) and possibly lifetime maintenance (medication only), we’ll just have to see how it goes, and how the suboxone affects my depression. If that can go away I will stay on forever! All of the people I have met so far at the clinic have been incredible, inspiring and hopeful. I didn’t get any of the attitude that I was expecting (who knows why I thought that?) I am truly hopeful for the first time in a long long time.