Sunday, sunday…. Sunday April 6, 2008

The homework is done, the mother in law is gone, the kids are out with their dad (who is taking a much needed day off) and I have time to blog.  So far I am keeping up with the school pace, but if history has taught me anything, it is week 3 that I need to fear.  Things roll along kind of quietly until then, and then BAM! shit starts to get out of control.  If I can stay on top of the readings and homework then I think I will be alright.

One of the best parts of keeping really busy, is that I have a great excuse for having a messy house. No one expects a crazy full time student mama to keep a clean house.  Hell, I could probably get away with feeding them TV dinners every night if I wanted to, lol.  But, alas, my nutrition class will prevent me from ever being able to do that in good conscience.  We will stick to the usual routine of pasta and salad.  Nutritious, even if it is boring.  At least they eat it.

I have decided that since it is spring and all, I am going to keep parking at the shuttle lot, shuttle in to school in the morning, and then walk the mile or so back every day as long as it isn’t pissing down rain.  So far, so good.  And I even had a great excuse to go buy some new Keens   The exercise feels good to my muscles and my mind.  I got a bit out of the habit of walking with the bad weather, and I am really proud that I am motivated to do even this small thing for myself.  Things have changed so much for me, it is hard to take in all of the changes sometimes.  I know that I am having the longest run of feeling “normal” (god I hate that word…) that I can remember.  I know that a good part of it is the Suboxone, but I also feel things changing.  I am learning new ways of handling my feelings and speaking my mind.  It feels really good, I must say.

Maybe one of these days I will have to change the name of my blog, I am starting to feel the twinges of actually BEING the new me.  Weird.  I certainly wasn’t expecting that.

burnt Thursday November 1, 2007

Somewhere along the way this afternoon I just all of a sudden became extremely irritable and burnt out.  I was doing fine, just chugging along, and then WHAM bitchiness all over the place.  C is STILL FUCKING PUKING.  All I wanted to do today was come home from therapy and take a bath and meditate, but, no, that man was barfing every 10 minutes in the one bathroom that we own.  Not that it is his fault, I just really needed some recovery time today and I didn’t get it.  Now I have to finish getting my house Sister, Aunt, and Grandma ready while 2 candy-crazed bratty kids yell at me about how everything I do sucks and how I cook crappy food.  Blah.

I really want to get in the bath and just tell them all to screw themselves, but ya know that ain’t gonna happen.  So, I will cook for ungrateful people, then I will clean up after them, then I will clean the nether-regions of my house so my grandma doesn’t talk shit about me to my relatives, then I will care for th incredible barfing man, then I will cry, then I will sleep.  Then I will do it all again tomorrow.  Some days suck.

quick Monday October 29, 2007

I only have 3 minutes before I have to go get the kids from the bus. BUT I saw my people today (study coordinator, doctor, therapist), all of whom were very sorry for what I went through this weekend. My doc immediately gave me 4mg dose of Sub in the office, along with 6mg to take home (1mg later today, and then 5mg for tomorrow). I started feeling better in no time flat. I am so relieved and happy that all of this weekend’s drama is over. So, it looks like I will be supplementing with the Suboxone for 2 weeks, and then I will get a 5th implant put in, which should solve the problem. Woooooohoooooo. I can’t even put into words how relieved I am. I was getting really spun out on the idea of having gotten a placebo and having to figure out what the hell to do next. So, I gotta run, but thanks for all of the kind words when I needed to hear them so badly.

Oh, and hello SuboxoneMom. I am glad to have you reading and helping me with your experiences. The more support the better, right? Do you have a blog I can read? I can’t seem to find a link…

Borrowed… Sunday October 21, 2007

Depression is a term commonly used to describe a sad or down mood, or the loss of pleasure in normally pleasurable activities. Major Depressive Disorder is a clinical disease that is typified by an overwhelming sadness, despair, and melancholy. In the Depressed person, this mood state advances to the point of being destructive to an individual’s ability to maintain personal hygiene, friendships, relationships and/or keep a job. Symptoms of Depression include change in appetite, marked weight gain or loss, disturbed sleep patterns, including insomnia, loss of REM sleep, or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping), psychomotor agitation or retardation, fatigue, overwhelming feelings of guilt, nervousness, helplessness, hopelessness, isolation, anxiety, trouble concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions leading to a decrease in overall cognition (also callled “poverty of thought”), recurrent thoughts of death, desire to just “lie down and die”, or “stop breathing”, recurrent suicidal ideation with or without a plan, and suicide attempts.

Other symptoms, which are not necessarily relevant to diagnosis, but which may be present include self-loathing, a decrease in self-esteem, sensitivity to noise, physical aches and pains, fear of going crazy, change in perception of time, periods of uncontrollable sobbing, sudden behavioral changes, such as aggression and or irritability, a feeling of impending doom, avoiding social situations or being late often, excessive procrastination, and excessive use of drugs and or alcohol.

So that is from the The Snake Pit’s blog…The bold is mine, the symptoms that are my part of my daily life. Until now. For the first time I can remember, including my torturous childhood, I no longer fit into that category. First of all, I have never read such a well written description of what my depression was like, especially the sensitivity to noise part. I most definitely experience that, and have never seen it connected to depressive symptoms until now. It was just like that. I hope that I can maintain this place of healing that I am in. I never want to feel like that again. I think that is my biggest fear right now. Falling back in the pit. I don’t know if I can do it again. I feel like I will drown in my own sadness. I want to be well. I want to be well. I want to be well.