hell-O-ween Wednesday October 31, 2007

Trick-or-treating almost killed me.  I am tired.  C had the flu for the last 2 days and today he was grumpy but attached at my hip.  FUN.  That’s my husband, by the way. I’m not sure I have introduced him…aka mesomeuc

Yesterday was our 11 year anniversary.  He was puking with the flu so I invited my mom over and made shrimp pesto linguine and Caesar salad for dinner to celebrate, even though C was in bed.  I was feeling great for once, so I figured I shouldn’t waste it Mom came over and helped my daughter with her homework and my son do art projects while I made dinner and washed dishes.  It was nice. I actually enjoyed her company.  It was the first time in a long time that I remember that my mom being over (she lives next door, by the way, so she is here all the freaking time) and I wasn’t completely irritated.  Probably because I wasn’t trying to sneak off and get high.

So anyway, all night all C and I did was bicker.  Trick-or-treating and arguing, oh so much fun.  I was trying to just have a good time, but he was being such a pain in the ass.  At least that’s my version lol…

C I know you are reading this and what I have to say is not meant to make you feel bad, you can skip to the next paragraph if you want, but you don’t have to.  I am venting here.  This is my place to say whatever, so I don’t want to hear about any of this other than as a reply.  /disclaimer… I feel like I am really missing the close relationship that we used to have.  I don’t actually remember when we had that, but I know we did once.  There was a time when it felt like we shared our skin, our eyes, our breath we were so close.  We spent hours just staring at each other, touching foreheads and staring into each other’s eyes.  Probably before we had kids, I guess.  Long ago, at any rate.  It seems like my needs and wants get seem to get overlooked all the time for the sake of the kids, the fact that we have no $$, friends who need whatever, and I am tired of being last. I am sure that he feels the same things, but he never expresses such thoughts.  I know that’s dramatic and all, but really.  I need to feel important.  I need to be first sometimes.  Most of the time, actually.  It is in my nature.  I want to be the most important person in the world to my husband.  I need constant reassurance.  I am just that kind of girl.  Say what you will, but that’s me.  Poor C, he is working so hard, and hurting so much, but dammit he just doesn’t think.  Why can’t he realize that I need him so much right now.  He just isn’t here, in body or mind.  And when he is here his phone is ringing and he is on his way somewhere else, making plans that I can’t keep up with.  He leaves before I wake and comes home after I am sleeping at least half of the time.  Granted he is here for some time in the middle, but it seems to be for a shower and a visit with Mary Jane and he’s off again.  I miss him.  My feelings are hurt and he just doesn’t know what to do with that.  How come guys don’t know how to apologize?  He can tell our kids how to do it, but he can’t seem to do it himself.  I love that man.  I just want to feel like I am not living alone.  Blah.

On other fronts, I am now getting 6 mg of Suboxone daily in addition to the implant.  This week and next of that regimen, and then I will get the 5th implant sometime in the following week, probably that Tuesday.  I am feeling so so so much better.  There are no words for it.  I absolutely cannot explain what it feels like to have 30 years of pain and sadness lifted off of my shoulders.  I don’t know where it went.  I don’t know if it is waiting for me somewhere, waiting for me to fail or fall, but it feels good to be rid of it for now.  Hopefully with therapy we can get some of that pain dealt with before they set me loose from therapy.  I feel strong right now, so I feel like I can do the work I need to do,  I am glad I have twice a week therapy because I think it will really really help me.  Maybe I can figure some of this shit out with C, I want what we had back.  We have our moments of greatness, but I know that we can have that more often that not.  It always comes back.  Every time.  I love that man, but relationships are fucking hard.  I am changing so much right now, I don’t think he knows what to expect from me right now.  It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing lately.

an open invitation Tuesday October 30, 2007

To any of you out there in web land who are reading this blog.  If you are in recovery, if you are trying to decide if Suboxone is right for you, if you are depressed, if you are a mother who struggles with mental illness or addiction, I want to hear from you.  I need support.  And I truly believe that support is a flow of energy.  That means that if I can help you with my words, then you can help me with yours.  Leave me a comment, send me a link to your blog or page.  I want to widen my safety net, and I am really getting attached to reading the kind words that are left for me when I am struggling.  It really does help.  So, to all of you out there, say hello, or help, or whatever it is that you are thinking.  I need you all.

crap Friday October 26, 2007

Just took a Vicoden.  not good…  but I will try not to be hard on myself about it.  I was freaking out.  Chills sweats, the whole shebang.  I don’t know what the fuck is up with this implant.  I don’t know if it is working or not and I am so so frustrated.   Gotta run and take the kids to a Halloween carnival that we are now an hour late for cause C was stuck in traffic.  He just walked in the door so he is changing and we are (finally) off…

what do u want from me Friday October 26, 2007

my new obsession:

I know I haven’t been writing much.  I am kind of trying to find (discover?) my groove right now.  Things are kind of strange with this implant.  I am pretty sure I didn’t get the placebo, but I think I am under-dosed right now with the 4 implants.  I talked to my study coordinator today and the doctor won’t be in until Mon.  He does know how I am feeling, but I think he wants me to tough it out a bit and see where I land.  I can understand that line of thought, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to get through my days… I will see my the study doc on Monday and probably do oral supplementing, like maybe another 4mg of the Sub/day and see if that helps.  If I need that for 2 weeks running (which I probably will…) then I can get a 5th implant put in and that should bring me back up to where I was for those blissful 5 days that I was on the oral.  I was feeling so great, it is hard to feel like the depression is creeping back into my periphery and it makes me panic.  But.  I HAVE to wait until Monday.  There isn’t anything I can do about it, so wish me strength for the weekend, and I will try not to be too hard on myself (thanks bottlecappie for the reminder )

Oh, and I start therapy on Mon, twice a week.  I am really looking forward to that, hopefully it will give me a place to get some of this shit out without worrying about how ANYBODY feels about it.  So.  Yeah.  I have to go try and create some Halloween costumes with no money and no craft stuff.  Wish me luck.

Day -2 Monday October 15, 2007

Had my big appointment today. Blood work, EKG, interviews, the whole shebang, Met my doctor and found out all about the Suboxone program. I am feeling very strange about all of this. I want so badly to be released from my monster of addiction but my fear of my depression and anxiety is making me panic a bit. I hope that I can find the joy in my life again, that I can learn how to be human again, but I fear that I may be shooting too high with these wishes. I begin induction on Wed and I am seriously fighting the urge to get really really high because I know that it’s over. I hope that I can make it through. I am so close now. I feel good knowing that I have, like, 5 people to call if I am having trouble, but I am still worried. The urge to lie and hide things is very strong, I have promised myself to be completely honest throughout this process but I keep worrying that I will decide to lie for no good reason. Old habits die hard, I guess. The countdown is on.

For my entire life I have suffered from chronic depression, which after the birth of my children began to cycle at an increasingly rapid pace. I tried every antidepressant on the market, they all had tons of side effects, but my depression remained the same. As things got worse and worse I began to experiment with opiates. Amazing! I was feeling great, tons of energy, and life was great. For a while. And however many years later, here I am. Having the worst depression of my life. Doing waaay too many pills just not to get sick. At the end of my rope. My husband is fed up. My kids miss me. I am not doing well in school. I am ready to be done, but every time I quit I get suicidal. Panic Attacks. Nonstop crying for days on end. Puking.

The bottom line is, I have been looking for help with my depression for so long, and I know that the depression is what led me to my opiate use/abuse. There is tons of research out there that says that Sub can have a tremendous effect on treatment resistant depression as well as helping me with my opiate problem.

I kind of feel like this is my last chance or something. I have tried so many things. This feels like hope. The program consists of 3 visits a week; 3 urine tests, 2 counseling visits, and a treatment visit to assess medication issues and such. My program will be one year at minimum (with the counseling, urine tests, and treatment visits) and possibly lifetime maintenance (medication only), we’ll just have to see how it goes, and how the suboxone affects my depression. If that can go away I will stay on forever! All of the people I have met so far at the clinic have been incredible, inspiring and hopeful. I didn’t get any of the attitude that I was expecting (who knows why I thought that?) I am truly hopeful for the first time in a long long time.