As I was finishing up that last entry Monday March 24, 2008

Mr. A&J came home from work, and asked me how my day was.  All of a sudden I was weeping, telling him about how much this blog means to me.  How it feels like a lifeline sometimes, and how much it amazes and awes me that other people read it and find truth in my words.  He told me that he was so proud of the work that I am doing and that of course people respond to what I write, because I tell my truth.  God, I love that man.

And then…  He said why don’t we get some old bread together and go feed the ducks after we pick up the little ones from school.  A family outing?!?  Holy shit!   I am blown away by the re-connection that is happening here.  Is it possible that we may find our way through this labyrinth of life and still be holding hands at the end of it?  I was really starting to wonder for a while, but I have new hope.  I think we might just make it.

a junky moment Thursday March 20, 2008

That’s the only way that I can really explain it. Today, after napping much of the day away thanks to the flu and the fact that I had no class, I woke up sweaty and feeling off kilter. I went to sit on the stoop in the sunshine and have a stogie and try to get my head together. All of a sudden I was queasy in that I-want-to-get-high kind of way and my nose was practically itching for a bump. I started to get panicky for a bit, chain smoked a couple of Camels and tried to figure out why I was feeling that way.

I had to deal with more crap having to do with my Grandma’s probate this morning; I have been sick; I hadn’t taken my dose of Suboxone for the day; I wrote all that crap about doing good yesterday… whatever it was it was making me jones like a motherfucker. So I went in the kitchen and took my meds and waited for the gross ass orange pill to melt and my nerves to mellow out. It seemed to take forever, but eventually I started to feel better and made myself a cup of coffee.  I sat and soaked up the bits of sun that were making it through the clouds, drank my coffee, smoked too much, and felt grateful for the fact that I had survived those moments of freakout.

I realize that it was minor in the scheme of things, but for me it was a reminder to not let my guard down. I am still healing from my mistakes and I will be for a long time. I am not and will never be perfect, as hard as that is for me to swallow. The thing I keep trying to remind myself is that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t expect other people to be, and no one expects me to be either.

I don’t know why I feel such a need to be good at everyfuckingthing, but I do. I accept and even adore the imperfections of my friends and loved ones, but in myself they are sources of great shame, especially when they are about my addiction. I do not like my inadequacies in general to be exposed, especially if I have not accepted them within myself already. I am trying to let go of this quality within myself but it is hard. I have got to stay on track with the life that I want to have, and it is hard for me to accept that it is going to be a lot of hard work for a long time.

I need to meditate on imperfection, I think. If I can accept my other imperfections I think that I would be better able to accept my occasional cravings and triggers for what they are; signals that I need something. What do they say… HALT, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Today, I think it was a combo of those things and more. Sadness, sickness, loneliness for sure, and I hadn’t eaten yet. But I think it was also because I was alone for the second day in a row. I need to make sure that during my break (after tomorrow) I keep myself busy. Sitting around doing nothing is not good for me. I don’t do well without some structure. So I will try to make some plans at least with myself for things to do outside of the house. That seems to be the main factor. Staying home all day by myself does not make me want to clean or organize, as much as I wish it did. I will have to get out of the house and actually do some stuff to stimulate my mind and body.

I am reminded of the saying “Beauty is in the imperfections.” I think that will be my mantra for a while. I have got to get rid of this shame bullshit and move forward. I am doing well, and I deserve this life of good things and people that love me for who I am, faults and all. I love them, and I need to love myself at least that much. Not easy, but I have to if I want to truly be happy. I think I may be onto something here, I am sure that I will have more to say later…

fucking hell of a day Sunday March 9, 2008

It  was doomed from the start.  The kids woke up with fevers.  Again.  I dropped them with my mama and zipped off to work.  Fun fun fun.

Then I got a message from the woman who is the executor of my grandma’s estate (!)  Apparently my uncle has told her that I am a thief and a liar, and not only that, but my sister and I ransacked my grandma’s house and stole everything that we got our hands on, including a vacuum cleaner, a blood pressure cuff, and her fucking depends.  Oh, and they want her pillows back because apparently they are quite valuable????  WTF?!?!?!

These people are such fuckers.  I cannot for the life of me understand why they are villianizing me and saying such aweful things about me.  I loved my grandma so much it hurts.  She was one of my best friends.  We talked about everything, including the fact that she was afraid to make a will because she thought that my dad or his brother would quit taking care of her if she told them what she wanted.  So she left it all up in the air.

She told me many many times that I should “take care of things” when she passed, but would never tell me what she meant by that.  So when I got word that she had died, I flew my ass to LA and tried my best to do what she would have wanted.  I looked through her house for any type of document stating her wishes.  I cleaned the bloodstain off of her carpet from where she lay for 3 days because my dumass uncle couldn’t be bothered to drive the 5 min to her house and check on her like he was supposed to.  I cleaned her house as best as I could.  I was told by my uncle’s bitch-ass wife that I couldn’t pack up her clothes for donation, I couldn’t cancel her credit cards, nor could I do anything else for that matter.

No one was concerned with putting a service together.  She still hasn’t had one.  How fucking ridiculous is that?  She died in NOVEMBER for fucks sake.  And now I am being accused of stealing everything in the world.  I took NOTHING from her home with the exception of her pillows and her perfume.  Not one other god damned thing.  Oh, and her cat.  Her beloved baby.  I took the cat because they all wanted to have her put down.

But somehow I am now being threatened with lawsuits and god knows what else and it is breaking my heart.  I just cannot understand why they are being so fucking ridiculous.  I was told today that they cannot go on with the probate until I return her pillows!  Are you kidding me??  They came from K-Mart.  They are nothing special.  But they bring me comfort.  They smell like her.  I cry myself to sleep on them more nights that I would like to share.  I am NOT giving them back.  Fuck them.

I loved my grandma more than the rest of them combined from the looks of it.  Who the fuck cares if I sleep on her pillow?  And why?  This is my family!  It makes no fucking sense to me.  I want nothing from her estate.  She was poor.  She lived in a one bedroom condo.  I don’t want money or jewelery or any of that crap.  I just want to be left alone with my grief so I can try to honor her memory and not be dragged through the mud.

So I came home and cried and took a bath and hugged my kids and took a klonopin and a bath and I am trying to get over the fact that I come from a long long line of assholes.  I refuse to get pulled into this fucking bizarre game of theirs.  They can all fuck off as far as I am concerned.  I loved my grandma and she loved me and they can’t fucking take that away from me no matter how hard they try.  We had something very very special and I refuse to taint her memory with all of this bullshit.  She deserves so much better than that.  We all do.

So now I am going to rest my weary soul (on my grandma’s pillow!) and try to sleep and hope that tomorrow will be better.  I have the $ for my therapy appt and I have childcare for my sick kids and I will keep on going.  And I will remember my grandma for the outrageous, hilarious, beautiful, strong woman that she was.  And I will remember that she was so so proud of me because I somehow managed to not turn out to be an asshole despite all odds.  She was amazed by the beauty of my life and I will remember her for making me feel so proud of myself and grateful that she cared enough to notice.

Goodnight grandma.  I love you.  And I miss you really  really bad right now.  I hope  things are good for you wherever you are.

today Saturday November 17, 2007

Today I feel like I am standing in the middle of a vortex of emotions and feelings. They are spinning all around me and every once in a while one of them lands on me and I must experience whatever it is that decides to hit me. Sad, happy, afraid, grateful, angry, hopeless, hopeful, whatever… It is intense and not very pleasant to say the least. Throughout this very strange day I have somehow found a wealth of patience and kindness for my children and their various hurts, fears, and joys. I have been patient with my 5yo’s constant chatting about whatever the obsession of the moment is. Electricity, how toilets flush, why it sometimes hurts to poop, how sad he is that his papa has to work so much and doesn’t have a lot of time for kid stuff right now. Somehow I have navigated these conversations with calmness, love, and joy. I have no idea how, but I did.

Today S scratched his nails on the chalkboard and for some reason I had this really intense visceral response. I had to go sit on my bed in the dark and try not to puke as well as breathing myself through the beginnings of a panic attack. It was very strange. It seems like a really bad example of the auditory sensitivity that accompanies my depression, at least I am trying to go with that theory anyway.

I got an apology from one of the Giant Gaping Assholes today, and C got one from the other, so maybe they are moving down my list to just Assholes instead of the superior rank of Giant Gaping Assholes. At least I hope so. I am really fearing the loss of these friends and I am not entirely sure why. I would kind of like to be rid of GGA#1, but for some reason this is hard for me to fathom. We have shared a lot as families for a long time, and it would be sad to me to see that chapter end. I wish we could just rewind and have this person back as a friend, instead of someone who has entirely lost my and C’s trust and respect. I don’t know why I can’t let go of this. As for GGA#2, I think we will recover, it seems all is not what it appeared, though she is still ranked Asshole for the time being. We’ll see.

I feel tired, vaguely depressed, and yet kind of ok. I am trying to just do this day one step at a time and I seem to be getting through it, but still, I am tired and ready for my bed as soon as the time comes.

hell-O-ween Wednesday October 31, 2007

Trick-or-treating almost killed me.  I am tired.  C had the flu for the last 2 days and today he was grumpy but attached at my hip.  FUN.  That’s my husband, by the way. I’m not sure I have introduced him…aka mesomeuc

Yesterday was our 11 year anniversary.  He was puking with the flu so I invited my mom over and made shrimp pesto linguine and Caesar salad for dinner to celebrate, even though C was in bed.  I was feeling great for once, so I figured I shouldn’t waste it Mom came over and helped my daughter with her homework and my son do art projects while I made dinner and washed dishes.  It was nice. I actually enjoyed her company.  It was the first time in a long time that I remember that my mom being over (she lives next door, by the way, so she is here all the freaking time) and I wasn’t completely irritated.  Probably because I wasn’t trying to sneak off and get high.

So anyway, all night all C and I did was bicker.  Trick-or-treating and arguing, oh so much fun.  I was trying to just have a good time, but he was being such a pain in the ass.  At least that’s my version lol…

C I know you are reading this and what I have to say is not meant to make you feel bad, you can skip to the next paragraph if you want, but you don’t have to.  I am venting here.  This is my place to say whatever, so I don’t want to hear about any of this other than as a reply.  /disclaimer… I feel like I am really missing the close relationship that we used to have.  I don’t actually remember when we had that, but I know we did once.  There was a time when it felt like we shared our skin, our eyes, our breath we were so close.  We spent hours just staring at each other, touching foreheads and staring into each other’s eyes.  Probably before we had kids, I guess.  Long ago, at any rate.  It seems like my needs and wants get seem to get overlooked all the time for the sake of the kids, the fact that we have no $$, friends who need whatever, and I am tired of being last. I am sure that he feels the same things, but he never expresses such thoughts.  I know that’s dramatic and all, but really.  I need to feel important.  I need to be first sometimes.  Most of the time, actually.  It is in my nature.  I want to be the most important person in the world to my husband.  I need constant reassurance.  I am just that kind of girl.  Say what you will, but that’s me.  Poor C, he is working so hard, and hurting so much, but dammit he just doesn’t think.  Why can’t he realize that I need him so much right now.  He just isn’t here, in body or mind.  And when he is here his phone is ringing and he is on his way somewhere else, making plans that I can’t keep up with.  He leaves before I wake and comes home after I am sleeping at least half of the time.  Granted he is here for some time in the middle, but it seems to be for a shower and a visit with Mary Jane and he’s off again.  I miss him.  My feelings are hurt and he just doesn’t know what to do with that.  How come guys don’t know how to apologize?  He can tell our kids how to do it, but he can’t seem to do it himself.  I love that man.  I just want to feel like I am not living alone.  Blah.

On other fronts, I am now getting 6 mg of Suboxone daily in addition to the implant.  This week and next of that regimen, and then I will get the 5th implant sometime in the following week, probably that Tuesday.  I am feeling so so so much better.  There are no words for it.  I absolutely cannot explain what it feels like to have 30 years of pain and sadness lifted off of my shoulders.  I don’t know where it went.  I don’t know if it is waiting for me somewhere, waiting for me to fail or fall, but it feels good to be rid of it for now.  Hopefully with therapy we can get some of that pain dealt with before they set me loose from therapy.  I feel strong right now, so I feel like I can do the work I need to do,  I am glad I have twice a week therapy because I think it will really really help me.  Maybe I can figure some of this shit out with C, I want what we had back.  We have our moments of greatness, but I know that we can have that more often that not.  It always comes back.  Every time.  I love that man, but relationships are fucking hard.  I am changing so much right now, I don’t think he knows what to expect from me right now.  It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing lately.

an open invitation Tuesday October 30, 2007

To any of you out there in web land who are reading this blog.  If you are in recovery, if you are trying to decide if Suboxone is right for you, if you are depressed, if you are a mother who struggles with mental illness or addiction, I want to hear from you.  I need support.  And I truly believe that support is a flow of energy.  That means that if I can help you with my words, then you can help me with yours.  Leave me a comment, send me a link to your blog or page.  I want to widen my safety net, and I am really getting attached to reading the kind words that are left for me when I am struggling.  It really does help.  So, to all of you out there, say hello, or help, or whatever it is that you are thinking.  I need you all.

Borrowed… Sunday October 21, 2007

Depression is a term commonly used to describe a sad or down mood, or the loss of pleasure in normally pleasurable activities. Major Depressive Disorder is a clinical disease that is typified by an overwhelming sadness, despair, and melancholy. In the Depressed person, this mood state advances to the point of being destructive to an individual’s ability to maintain personal hygiene, friendships, relationships and/or keep a job. Symptoms of Depression include change in appetite, marked weight gain or loss, disturbed sleep patterns, including insomnia, loss of REM sleep, or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping), psychomotor agitation or retardation, fatigue, overwhelming feelings of guilt, nervousness, helplessness, hopelessness, isolation, anxiety, trouble concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions leading to a decrease in overall cognition (also callled “poverty of thought”), recurrent thoughts of death, desire to just “lie down and die”, or “stop breathing”, recurrent suicidal ideation with or without a plan, and suicide attempts.

Other symptoms, which are not necessarily relevant to diagnosis, but which may be present include self-loathing, a decrease in self-esteem, sensitivity to noise, physical aches and pains, fear of going crazy, change in perception of time, periods of uncontrollable sobbing, sudden behavioral changes, such as aggression and or irritability, a feeling of impending doom, avoiding social situations or being late often, excessive procrastination, and excessive use of drugs and or alcohol.

So that is from the The Snake Pit’s blog…The bold is mine, the symptoms that are my part of my daily life. Until now. For the first time I can remember, including my torturous childhood, I no longer fit into that category. First of all, I have never read such a well written description of what my depression was like, especially the sensitivity to noise part. I most definitely experience that, and have never seen it connected to depressive symptoms until now. It was just like that. I hope that I can maintain this place of healing that I am in. I never want to feel like that again. I think that is my biggest fear right now. Falling back in the pit. I don’t know if I can do it again. I feel like I will drown in my own sadness. I want to be well. I want to be well. I want to be well.

another day Friday October 19, 2007

I haven’t been to school in a week. I don’t think I plan on going next week either. I should find out how to to a hardship withdrawal so I don’t fuck up my FinAid cause I don’t think that I can make up 2 weeeks of a 10 week quarter.  At least not without drugs for some good ol’ artificial energy.  Maybe. I guess I will just feel that one out when I get there.  Getting well is definitely my top priority right now, and I am not quite ready for the real world yet.  I feel like I have no skin, everything is just right there on the surface.

I feel like all of my energy (yeah, I actually do have some!) is being sucked up just trying to heal. I didn’t realize how little I was eating, or how out of hand a lot of things in my house have become. It is all coming into focus now, and it is requiring all of my attention. It’s like how that hippy childbirth book Spiritual Midwifery described labor… Don’t think of it as pain, think of a contraction as an interesting sensation that is requiring all of your attention. Uh-huh. Whatever. It’s for a good cause and all, but it is still PAIN damn it.

And so is this.  It is diffuse and odd, but it is still pain.  I can think about what a wrong turn my life has taken, and how hard it is going to be for me to get to where I want to be.  I see how much I have been fucking up and it is really hard to swallow.  I don’t want to make excuses anymore.  This is my life and I went and messed it up (with a few helping hands along the way) and now I have to figure out how to make it (me) better.

My kids are both sleeping over with a friend tonight so me and my man are going to spend some time together.  I’m glad I managed not to fuck that up.  He is my hero and my knight in shining armor and everything that I ever could want in a man.  I love him with my entire being and I don’t know how I would ever get through this without his support.  So, tonight, love.  Tomorrow, rest.  Life is pretty good today after all I guess.