so so broke Saturday March 8, 2008

I have to search my house for things to pawn to buy groceries today. Yesterday I sold off half of my beloved book collection for $40 for gas and food. My partner is working his ass off day and night, I am awaiting the holy grail, my Fin-Aid check, and yet we still cannot seem to get it together financially. We aren’t spending dough on dope anymore, yet we are broker than ever. I don’t get it. Where the hell does it all go??? My kids are bitching because they are starting to hate the food bank fare that we have been living on for months now. That, and they say the the free school lunch and breakfast is gross. Sorry, babies, but it’s what I got.

Why can’t I just fast forward through this sucky part of my life and get to my well paid career? I have been broke for the entirety of my adult life and I really am starting to resent it. We work hard. We don’t blow our $$ on cd’s or movies or even going out to eat. We live frugally, we make a middle class wage and we can’t fucking make ends meet. How the hell am I supposed to get through four more years of school when I feel the pull to work to fill in the gap. The only problem with that theory is that I make more in loans and grants than I could earn at a job because I HAVE NO EDUCATION! Screwed any which way I look at it. BLECK!!!

But, even through this, I am not being pulled into the abyss of depression. I can look at these problems and see them for what they are. Sucky circumstances. Not that I am a horrible person. Not that my family would be better off without my lazy ass. Just circumstance. That, at least, is a relief.

I keep wondering how this is possible. It has got to be the suboxone, because this shit would always pull me in before. Or maybe it is that my lover is struggling with his with is own crushing depression right now. I can’t afford to fall right now, but that has never stopped me before. It is strange to be living in fear like this. No matter how much time goes by, the threat of that abyss always seems like it could be around any corner, coming for me any day.

Wish me wellness and sanity because goddess knows I need all I can get right now. I will not fall if I have any choice in it. I will keep doing the things that are good for me, and I will keep talking about how bizarre this sane life feels to me. And I WILL NOT stop going to therapy because $15 a week is better than falling off the edge of the world, even if it seems like the $15 is too much to spend on myself. I will keep putting one foot on front of the other and I will survive. I will be strong so that my man can heal himself instead of pushing all of his feelings away so that he can take care of me. I will take care of myself so that he can do the same. I will. I will. I will.

avoidance Wednesday December 5, 2007

Shall I write this evening about how I am a huge procrastinator?  Well I am.  I put off absolutely everything, from bills to important papers, school picture order forms, traffic tickets, homework, taxes,and apparently writing in my own fucking RECOVERY journal.  Why?  What is it about me that hates to deal with things that need my attention? I have no idea, but  I have always been this way, as long as I can remember.  It really shouldn’t surprise or anger me that my 8 year old puts off her homework, and fucks around picking her nose and doodling so much that she finally gets in trouble at school for it and then cries about how she is stupid and she doesn’t know why she does these things, but she’s really really sorry.  Just like me, poor thing. So.  I don’t know why I didn’t want to do this, but here I am.

I went to an NA meeting tonight.  I don’t know why, but I just felt like it.  It was ok.  I don’t know what I expect to receive from going there.  I don’t feel particularly interested in participating right now.  I just like to be there and feel the vibe.  I know that a lot of people feel that you really have to “work it” to get any real benefit from these meetings, and I may get there at some point, but for right now, I just like to listen, and maybe read the promises and feel the humm of a dozen women that are all working really hard right now, just like me.  I am trying to feel like it is my right to say to C that I have a meeting and I have to be gone for an hour, but I still feel really insecure about the whole thing.  Like it is shameful somehow, or that I am weak for needing to feel that thing that women, mothers of all walks of life share.  We work.  We struggle to do a good job, sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t.  We worry.  We feel guilty and scared sometimes.  And we feel joy.  Joy at the lives that we have created, and hope for their futures.  Hopes that we are somehow doing a better job of raising our children than our parents did.  Struggles with our lovers and money and balancing it all.  Fear that we may fall off the tightrope lose everything.  I need to be surrounded by the voices of other women right now, and I guess this is a way I can meet that need.

today Saturday November 17, 2007

Today I feel like I am standing in the middle of a vortex of emotions and feelings. They are spinning all around me and every once in a while one of them lands on me and I must experience whatever it is that decides to hit me. Sad, happy, afraid, grateful, angry, hopeless, hopeful, whatever… It is intense and not very pleasant to say the least. Throughout this very strange day I have somehow found a wealth of patience and kindness for my children and their various hurts, fears, and joys. I have been patient with my 5yo’s constant chatting about whatever the obsession of the moment is. Electricity, how toilets flush, why it sometimes hurts to poop, how sad he is that his papa has to work so much and doesn’t have a lot of time for kid stuff right now. Somehow I have navigated these conversations with calmness, love, and joy. I have no idea how, but I did.

Today S scratched his nails on the chalkboard and for some reason I had this really intense visceral response. I had to go sit on my bed in the dark and try not to puke as well as breathing myself through the beginnings of a panic attack. It was very strange. It seems like a really bad example of the auditory sensitivity that accompanies my depression, at least I am trying to go with that theory anyway.

I got an apology from one of the Giant Gaping Assholes today, and C got one from the other, so maybe they are moving down my list to just Assholes instead of the superior rank of Giant Gaping Assholes. At least I hope so. I am really fearing the loss of these friends and I am not entirely sure why. I would kind of like to be rid of GGA#1, but for some reason this is hard for me to fathom. We have shared a lot as families for a long time, and it would be sad to me to see that chapter end. I wish we could just rewind and have this person back as a friend, instead of someone who has entirely lost my and C’s trust and respect. I don’t know why I can’t let go of this. As for GGA#2, I think we will recover, it seems all is not what it appeared, though she is still ranked Asshole for the time being. We’ll see.

I feel tired, vaguely depressed, and yet kind of ok. I am trying to just do this day one step at a time and I seem to be getting through it, but still, I am tired and ready for my bed as soon as the time comes.

burnt Thursday November 1, 2007

Somewhere along the way this afternoon I just all of a sudden became extremely irritable and burnt out.  I was doing fine, just chugging along, and then WHAM bitchiness all over the place.  C is STILL FUCKING PUKING.  All I wanted to do today was come home from therapy and take a bath and meditate, but, no, that man was barfing every 10 minutes in the one bathroom that we own.  Not that it is his fault, I just really needed some recovery time today and I didn’t get it.  Now I have to finish getting my house Sister, Aunt, and Grandma ready while 2 candy-crazed bratty kids yell at me about how everything I do sucks and how I cook crappy food.  Blah.

I really want to get in the bath and just tell them all to screw themselves, but ya know that ain’t gonna happen.  So, I will cook for ungrateful people, then I will clean up after them, then I will clean the nether-regions of my house so my grandma doesn’t talk shit about me to my relatives, then I will care for th incredible barfing man, then I will cry, then I will sleep.  Then I will do it all again tomorrow.  Some days suck.

urge to get sucked off by an old mother Thursday November 1, 2007

WTF?!?!?! According to my handy-dandy blog stats thingamabob, someone typed that into Google or whatever and got to this here blog. Weird. But you know what’s funny? I read that and I thought to myself, “Well, at least I’m not as screwed up as I could be…” Who are you Mr or Miss UTGSOBAOM? And are you trying to say I’m old??? You sound interesting, I want to know what’s all about. What the fuck happened to you that you happen to now spend time typing things like that into search engines? Do you spend all day watching bad internet porn? Is it a fetish or a problem that you are looking for help with? I am so curious. I doubt you will come out of hiding, but I wish you would. Well, actually maybe not. Yeah, probably no.

And why am I rambling to some obviously strange internet weird-o instead of doing something else right now? Well, this is better than listening to my poor husband puking, and this way I am distracted enough not to hear it. Especially with the tv on.

hell-O-ween Wednesday October 31, 2007

Trick-or-treating almost killed me.  I am tired.  C had the flu for the last 2 days and today he was grumpy but attached at my hip.  FUN.  That’s my husband, by the way. I’m not sure I have introduced him…aka mesomeuc

Yesterday was our 11 year anniversary.  He was puking with the flu so I invited my mom over and made shrimp pesto linguine and Caesar salad for dinner to celebrate, even though C was in bed.  I was feeling great for once, so I figured I shouldn’t waste it Mom came over and helped my daughter with her homework and my son do art projects while I made dinner and washed dishes.  It was nice. I actually enjoyed her company.  It was the first time in a long time that I remember that my mom being over (she lives next door, by the way, so she is here all the freaking time) and I wasn’t completely irritated.  Probably because I wasn’t trying to sneak off and get high.

So anyway, all night all C and I did was bicker.  Trick-or-treating and arguing, oh so much fun.  I was trying to just have a good time, but he was being such a pain in the ass.  At least that’s my version lol…

C I know you are reading this and what I have to say is not meant to make you feel bad, you can skip to the next paragraph if you want, but you don’t have to.  I am venting here.  This is my place to say whatever, so I don’t want to hear about any of this other than as a reply.  /disclaimer… I feel like I am really missing the close relationship that we used to have.  I don’t actually remember when we had that, but I know we did once.  There was a time when it felt like we shared our skin, our eyes, our breath we were so close.  We spent hours just staring at each other, touching foreheads and staring into each other’s eyes.  Probably before we had kids, I guess.  Long ago, at any rate.  It seems like my needs and wants get seem to get overlooked all the time for the sake of the kids, the fact that we have no $$, friends who need whatever, and I am tired of being last. I am sure that he feels the same things, but he never expresses such thoughts.  I know that’s dramatic and all, but really.  I need to feel important.  I need to be first sometimes.  Most of the time, actually.  It is in my nature.  I want to be the most important person in the world to my husband.  I need constant reassurance.  I am just that kind of girl.  Say what you will, but that’s me.  Poor C, he is working so hard, and hurting so much, but dammit he just doesn’t think.  Why can’t he realize that I need him so much right now.  He just isn’t here, in body or mind.  And when he is here his phone is ringing and he is on his way somewhere else, making plans that I can’t keep up with.  He leaves before I wake and comes home after I am sleeping at least half of the time.  Granted he is here for some time in the middle, but it seems to be for a shower and a visit with Mary Jane and he’s off again.  I miss him.  My feelings are hurt and he just doesn’t know what to do with that.  How come guys don’t know how to apologize?  He can tell our kids how to do it, but he can’t seem to do it himself.  I love that man.  I just want to feel like I am not living alone.  Blah.

On other fronts, I am now getting 6 mg of Suboxone daily in addition to the implant.  This week and next of that regimen, and then I will get the 5th implant sometime in the following week, probably that Tuesday.  I am feeling so so so much better.  There are no words for it.  I absolutely cannot explain what it feels like to have 30 years of pain and sadness lifted off of my shoulders.  I don’t know where it went.  I don’t know if it is waiting for me somewhere, waiting for me to fail or fall, but it feels good to be rid of it for now.  Hopefully with therapy we can get some of that pain dealt with before they set me loose from therapy.  I feel strong right now, so I feel like I can do the work I need to do,  I am glad I have twice a week therapy because I think it will really really help me.  Maybe I can figure some of this shit out with C, I want what we had back.  We have our moments of greatness, but I know that we can have that more often that not.  It always comes back.  Every time.  I love that man, but relationships are fucking hard.  I am changing so much right now, I don’t think he knows what to expect from me right now.  It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing lately.

an open invitation Tuesday October 30, 2007

To any of you out there in web land who are reading this blog.  If you are in recovery, if you are trying to decide if Suboxone is right for you, if you are depressed, if you are a mother who struggles with mental illness or addiction, I want to hear from you.  I need support.  And I truly believe that support is a flow of energy.  That means that if I can help you with my words, then you can help me with yours.  Leave me a comment, send me a link to your blog or page.  I want to widen my safety net, and I am really getting attached to reading the kind words that are left for me when I am struggling.  It really does help.  So, to all of you out there, say hello, or help, or whatever it is that you are thinking.  I need you all.

crap Friday October 26, 2007

Just took a Vicoden.  not good…  but I will try not to be hard on myself about it.  I was freaking out.  Chills sweats, the whole shebang.  I don’t know what the fuck is up with this implant.  I don’t know if it is working or not and I am so so frustrated.   Gotta run and take the kids to a Halloween carnival that we are now an hour late for cause C was stuck in traffic.  He just walked in the door so he is changing and we are (finally) off…

to survivorkara Monday October 22, 2007

You know, in all of the years I have known you, you were never a person that I felt I could count on. Now that you are free of your addiction you are becoming a person that I can really relate to. I have always cared for you, don’t get me wrong, but your were someone that I had to be careful around. You know me, I get hurt easily, and it hurt me to see what was happening to you, by your own hand. I am incredibly proud and inspired by you and how you have changed. It is beautiful, like you have been reborn or uncovered or something. I don’t know what it is, but I think what I am seeing is the real you. The caring, honest, strong woman and mother that you really are. I just can’t believe that it is really possible for a person to change that much in such a short amount of time. It gives me hope for myself Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I love you and I am really really proud of you.