So today is the day for implant #5. My anxiety and craziness about not knowing what the hell is happening in my body talked me into popping a couple of Vicoden last night. Bad idea i guess, but it did help with the anxiety. I wish I could kick that little voice out of my head. This is so much harder than I thought it would be, for some reason. I don’t know why I didn’t think it would be hard. I think I did, I just didn’t know quite how much power that addict voice would still have. I thought I would be able to shut it up with the Sub/Implant I have to say that I am feeling less than confident that this next implant will do the trick for me, but I haven’t given up hope completely. I hope and I hope because I really don’t know what I will do next if it doesn’t help me. No $$, no ins, etc, etc… Wish me luck!
so maybe I’ll start now… Friday November 16, 2007
I have time, and I am not overtaken by the numbness and grief that the loss of my grandma has left me with. I will write. I didn’t make it to the meeting last night. I decided to join C and the kids to the book fair, and we had a good time. I told the kids that we were making Christmas wish lists, that we would be buying nothing, but listening and watching for what they liked and wanted. I took R to the journals and watched her oooh and aaah over the fancy leather bound, jewel encrusted beauties. Her eight year old sensibilities left her longing for a book with a lock, however. Which left us with only the kid-type journals to choose from, not as pretty, but they lock. She does have a little brother, ya know. Even though he does not yet know how to read, her craving and need for privacy has pushed her to NEED a lock. And a promise that I would never ever read it with out her permission. Watching my little girl grow up is harder than I ever imagined. And the parts that are hard are not the ones that I thought they would be. It is watching her grow wiser of the world and it’s dangers that is hard. Listening to her relate playground battles and homework insecurities makes me want to cry with fury. Fury that my baby is having to deal with the world, without me, and that I have to let her. That is the hard part.
I saw my dad today, for the first time since I was in California. He joined me and R for the Family Feast at S’s kindergarten class. The feast was fun, and R enjoyed being sprung from class for an hour before recess 
It was nice to be able to give my dad a bit of distraction and comfort after all that he did for me last week. We are still trying to figure this damned service out. My uncle is being so god-damned difficult. I am angry with him for so many reasons
ok. What the fucking fuck?!? Every time I sit down to write someone fucking dies. I just got a call that a close friend of my mom’s passed away… Died of a pulmonary embolism and lied dead in her bathroom for three days until someone found her. When my grandma died she wasn’t found for three days as well. This is craziness. I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something. wow, I guess the Universe is trying to tell me to write my will or something? OK!!!!! I WILL DO IT!!!!!!
Anyway, I was going to write, and I guess I don’t have to stop…
I registered for school for Winter quarter. That felt pretty good. I hope I can deal with it by then. I think I will be ready. 12 credits, Stress Management (ha! 2 credits, 2 Saturdays, easy!), Modern American Women Writers (fun and easy! 5cr, M-Th), and Sociology of Minority Groups (5cr, M-Th, interesting, should be able to get a good grade). So, school from 11:30 until 1:35 M-Th, and 2 Saturdays 9-6. Sounds doable. I am really looking forward to getting back to my “real” life, but I am enjoying this little vacation, if you can call it that.
And on to recovery… I am clean. Not using except for the good ‘ol green. My care providers are aware of that and, although not exactly supportive, accept that I am not yet ready to work on that. I can’t say that I haven’t thought about a fat line of oxy. I have had a pretty hard time not choosing to go that route on a few occasions lately. So, I know the demons have not left me completely, but I am strong enough to fight them. I think that all of the stress that I have been dealing with is contributing a lot to that situation. Old habits die hard, or at least that’s what they say. And the fact that C is still struggling a bit is making it a bit harder for me. I don’t really want to ask, and he doesn’t really want to tell me about it, but it’s like the pink elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is pretending isn’t there. He tells me he’s ok, and we are so fucking broke that I know he can’t be using much, but it is still a tricky subject for us. And for some reason, even though I told him I was going to give the AA thing a try, he acted all weird about it last night when I said that I wanted to go to a meeting. He said that he thought I said that I didn’t like it and didn’t want to go anymore. I never said that, in fact I told him that I wanted to try the women’s only meetings before I decided, so I don’t know what that was about. I think he has a lot of feelings about 12 step, and I guess I do too. But I also feel like I could really use some support right now, and maybe a room full of women that are all struggling in the ways that I am might really help me. I can take what I need from these meetings and leave the rest. For some reason a good number of our good friends have decided to turn into giant gaping assholes lately is really not helping with the whole “support network” thing, ya know.
hmmm I seem to have run out of words so I guess I’m done for now.
an open invitation Tuesday October 30, 2007
To any of you out there in web land who are reading this blog. If you are in recovery, if you are trying to decide if Suboxone is right for you, if you are depressed, if you are a mother who struggles with mental illness or addiction, I want to hear from you. I need support. And I truly believe that support is a flow of energy. That means that if I can help you with my words, then you can help me with yours. Leave me a comment, send me a link to your blog or page. I want to widen my safety net, and I am really getting attached to reading the kind words that are left for me when I am struggling. It really does help. So, to all of you out there, say hello, or help, or whatever it is that you are thinking. I need you all.
crap Friday October 26, 2007
Just took a Vicoden. not good… but I will try not to be hard on myself about it. I was freaking out. Chills sweats, the whole shebang. I don’t know what the fuck is up with this implant. I don’t know if it is working or not and I am so so frustrated. Gotta run and take the kids to a Halloween carnival that we are now an hour late for cause C was stuck in traffic. He just walked in the door so he is changing and we are (finally) off…
what do u want from me Friday October 26, 2007
my new obsession:
I know I haven’t been writing much. I am kind of trying to find (discover?) my groove right now. Things are kind of strange with this implant. I am pretty sure I didn’t get the placebo, but I think I am under-dosed right now with the 4 implants. I talked to my study coordinator today and the doctor won’t be in until Mon. He does know how I am feeling, but I think he wants me to tough it out a bit and see where I land. I can understand that line of thought, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to get through my days… I will see my the study doc on Monday and probably do oral supplementing, like maybe another 4mg of the Sub/day and see if that helps. If I need that for 2 weeks running (which I probably will…) then I can get a 5th implant put in and that should bring me back up to where I was for those blissful 5 days that I was on the oral. I was feeling so great, it is hard to feel like the depression is creeping back into my periphery and it makes me panic. But. I HAVE to wait until Monday. There isn’t anything I can do about it, so wish me strength for the weekend, and I will try not to be too hard on myself (thanks bottlecappie for the reminder )
Oh, and I start therapy on Mon, twice a week. I am really looking forward to that, hopefully it will give me a place to get some of this shit out without worrying about how ANYBODY feels about it. So. Yeah. I have to go try and create some Halloween costumes with no money and no craft stuff. Wish me luck.
