so so broke Saturday March 8, 2008

I have to search my house for things to pawn to buy groceries today. Yesterday I sold off half of my beloved book collection for $40 for gas and food. My partner is working his ass off day and night, I am awaiting the holy grail, my Fin-Aid check, and yet we still cannot seem to get it together financially. We aren’t spending dough on dope anymore, yet we are broker than ever. I don’t get it. Where the hell does it all go??? My kids are bitching because they are starting to hate the food bank fare that we have been living on for months now. That, and they say the the free school lunch and breakfast is gross. Sorry, babies, but it’s what I got.

Why can’t I just fast forward through this sucky part of my life and get to my well paid career? I have been broke for the entirety of my adult life and I really am starting to resent it. We work hard. We don’t blow our $$ on cd’s or movies or even going out to eat. We live frugally, we make a middle class wage and we can’t fucking make ends meet. How the hell am I supposed to get through four more years of school when I feel the pull to work to fill in the gap. The only problem with that theory is that I make more in loans and grants than I could earn at a job because I HAVE NO EDUCATION! Screwed any which way I look at it. BLECK!!!

But, even through this, I am not being pulled into the abyss of depression. I can look at these problems and see them for what they are. Sucky circumstances. Not that I am a horrible person. Not that my family would be better off without my lazy ass. Just circumstance. That, at least, is a relief.

I keep wondering how this is possible. It has got to be the suboxone, because this shit would always pull me in before. Or maybe it is that my lover is struggling with his with is own crushing depression right now. I can’t afford to fall right now, but that has never stopped me before. It is strange to be living in fear like this. No matter how much time goes by, the threat of that abyss always seems like it could be around any corner, coming for me any day.

Wish me wellness and sanity because goddess knows I need all I can get right now. I will not fall if I have any choice in it. I will keep doing the things that are good for me, and I will keep talking about how bizarre this sane life feels to me. And I WILL NOT stop going to therapy because $15 a week is better than falling off the edge of the world, even if it seems like the $15 is too much to spend on myself. I will keep putting one foot on front of the other and I will survive. I will be strong so that my man can heal himself instead of pushing all of his feelings away so that he can take care of me. I will take care of myself so that he can do the same. I will. I will. I will.

here I am Friday March 7, 2008

it’s been a while, and I don’t know why

But I miss this place and I miss getting my feelings out somewhere other than in my therapists office or on the phone to cappie…

Still on the sub-o boat, and doing well. Actually, I haven’t had a bout of depression since I started. I have had hard days, even weeks, but none of that cant-get-out-of-bed, the-world-is-horrible-and-its-all-my-fault kind of crap. I have actually spent entire weeks being happy, or at least fairly so. That is really new to me. Kind of scary even.

What the hell will my life be like without the suboxone??? I am terrified that I will fall off of the edge of the world, or drop out of school, or turn back to opiates, or for fucks sake something worse. Unspeakable things. BAD things.

I don’t even want to know. But chances are I will have to find out someday. And I really really don’t want to.

I just want to be well dammit. I want to be well without meds. Is that really so goddamn much to ask. I didn’t ask to be born into a family with a horrible history of depression and abusive behavior. And I certainly didn’t mean to hand this lovely little package off to my kids, but I imagine that I have. And I hate the thought if them ever struggling like I have.

Anyway, what I really came here to say is that I am ok. And I have been really busy staying in school(!) and trying to actually live my life. Not as easy as it sounds, especially when you have spent years and years trying to avoid everything around me. I miss the support that is here and I miss seeing my words written out in front of me. They seem more real that way. I will be back again soon, for real this time.

getting implanted Tuesday November 20, 2007

So today is the day for implant #5.  My anxiety and craziness about not knowing what the hell is happening in my body talked me into popping a couple of Vicoden last night.  Bad idea i guess, but it did help with the anxiety.  I wish I could kick that little voice out of my head.  This is so much harder than I thought it would be, for some reason.  I don’t know why I didn’t think it would be hard.  I think I did, I just didn’t know quite how much power that addict voice would still have.  I thought I would be able to shut it up with the Sub/Implant  I have to say that I am feeling less than confident that this next implant will do the  trick for me, but I haven’t given up hope completely.  I hope and I hope because I really don’t know what I will do next if it doesn’t help me.  No $$, no ins, etc, etc…  Wish me luck!

lazy sunday Sunday November 4, 2007

The family (extra relatives anyway) have returned home.  The kids are watching movies and gorging on halloween candy.  C is feeling better, and is actually home!  The house is clean, and there is no projects that are pressing at the moment, so we are just chill.

I am going to my first “meeting” tonight.  I looked at the AA website and I found a candlelight meeting tonight that is near my house.  Candles are nice, at least there will be that… My therapist has convinced me that I should at least check a few out BEFORE I try to tell her that they suck and are stupid.  That really is how I think I feel, but I made an agreement with myself to actually try to follow her advice.  Um, mostly cause look where following my own instinct got me….  So, tonight, “Hi, my name is Angst and I am an addict.” Sweeeeeet.  Good thing I have all day to build up nerve.

Oh, and today I have one week clean.  Last weekend was shite, but I already wrote all about that, so I will just say that I am proud and feel kind of silly about it and also, cannot fucking believe that it has only been a week.  It seems like a year.  I seriously don’t even miss it much anymore.  Suboxone is a fucking miracle and I can’t even imagine where I would be emotionally right now without it.  Hmmmm.  I am so grateful for this opportunity and I swear I am not going to fuck it up this time.  Really.  I am trying so hard, but even that seem kind of easy with the Sub.  Fucking Miracle, I tell ya.

the progress report Thursday November 1, 2007

I had therapy again today. I LOVE my therapist. She is so understanding and thoughtful, and I am so grateful for the opportunity I have been given to be able to work with her. For free! Today was my second appt. with her and I feel like she is already really understanding what I need from her. I am totally willing to show up, which she is so happy about, but I also am open to really doing the work that needs to be done. We had a really good session today, and I swear at one point I saw a tear roll down her cheek. Now she would never be so unprofessional as to actually address that, but I saw it and it meant so so much to me. I have looked so long and so hard for the help (a qualified therapist) that I need. For one reason or another nothing ever worked out for me. But here before me is this grand opportunity, all I have to do is show up, work hard, and be honest. I can do that.

As for the Suboxone, I am now getting 4mg/day in addition to the implant and will be receiving the 5th implant on Tuesday. Hopefully that does the trick as far as the dosing goes. I am so looking forward to no more orange-vomit tabs. There is  a part of me that is stressing that the dosing won’t be enough still, or it just won’t work, or whatever, but I am trying to ride it out. There really is no way to predict, but it looks like I am in a pretty good position to be helped by the 5th implant. The fact that I am doing really well on 4-mg orally kind of tells me that the 4 sticks in my arm are doing something, they just aren’t doing enough. So I will cross my fingers and toes and try not to spin out about it. It will be what it is meant to be. As bottlecappie put it, I have been randomized.

hell-O-ween Wednesday October 31, 2007

Trick-or-treating almost killed me.  I am tired.  C had the flu for the last 2 days and today he was grumpy but attached at my hip.  FUN.  That’s my husband, by the way. I’m not sure I have introduced him…aka mesomeuc

Yesterday was our 11 year anniversary.  He was puking with the flu so I invited my mom over and made shrimp pesto linguine and Caesar salad for dinner to celebrate, even though C was in bed.  I was feeling great for once, so I figured I shouldn’t waste it Mom came over and helped my daughter with her homework and my son do art projects while I made dinner and washed dishes.  It was nice. I actually enjoyed her company.  It was the first time in a long time that I remember that my mom being over (she lives next door, by the way, so she is here all the freaking time) and I wasn’t completely irritated.  Probably because I wasn’t trying to sneak off and get high.

So anyway, all night all C and I did was bicker.  Trick-or-treating and arguing, oh so much fun.  I was trying to just have a good time, but he was being such a pain in the ass.  At least that’s my version lol…

C I know you are reading this and what I have to say is not meant to make you feel bad, you can skip to the next paragraph if you want, but you don’t have to.  I am venting here.  This is my place to say whatever, so I don’t want to hear about any of this other than as a reply.  /disclaimer… I feel like I am really missing the close relationship that we used to have.  I don’t actually remember when we had that, but I know we did once.  There was a time when it felt like we shared our skin, our eyes, our breath we were so close.  We spent hours just staring at each other, touching foreheads and staring into each other’s eyes.  Probably before we had kids, I guess.  Long ago, at any rate.  It seems like my needs and wants get seem to get overlooked all the time for the sake of the kids, the fact that we have no $$, friends who need whatever, and I am tired of being last. I am sure that he feels the same things, but he never expresses such thoughts.  I know that’s dramatic and all, but really.  I need to feel important.  I need to be first sometimes.  Most of the time, actually.  It is in my nature.  I want to be the most important person in the world to my husband.  I need constant reassurance.  I am just that kind of girl.  Say what you will, but that’s me.  Poor C, he is working so hard, and hurting so much, but dammit he just doesn’t think.  Why can’t he realize that I need him so much right now.  He just isn’t here, in body or mind.  And when he is here his phone is ringing and he is on his way somewhere else, making plans that I can’t keep up with.  He leaves before I wake and comes home after I am sleeping at least half of the time.  Granted he is here for some time in the middle, but it seems to be for a shower and a visit with Mary Jane and he’s off again.  I miss him.  My feelings are hurt and he just doesn’t know what to do with that.  How come guys don’t know how to apologize?  He can tell our kids how to do it, but he can’t seem to do it himself.  I love that man.  I just want to feel like I am not living alone.  Blah.

On other fronts, I am now getting 6 mg of Suboxone daily in addition to the implant.  This week and next of that regimen, and then I will get the 5th implant sometime in the following week, probably that Tuesday.  I am feeling so so so much better.  There are no words for it.  I absolutely cannot explain what it feels like to have 30 years of pain and sadness lifted off of my shoulders.  I don’t know where it went.  I don’t know if it is waiting for me somewhere, waiting for me to fail or fall, but it feels good to be rid of it for now.  Hopefully with therapy we can get some of that pain dealt with before they set me loose from therapy.  I feel strong right now, so I feel like I can do the work I need to do,  I am glad I have twice a week therapy because I think it will really really help me.  Maybe I can figure some of this shit out with C, I want what we had back.  We have our moments of greatness, but I know that we can have that more often that not.  It always comes back.  Every time.  I love that man, but relationships are fucking hard.  I am changing so much right now, I don’t think he knows what to expect from me right now.  It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing lately.

an open invitation Tuesday October 30, 2007

To any of you out there in web land who are reading this blog.  If you are in recovery, if you are trying to decide if Suboxone is right for you, if you are depressed, if you are a mother who struggles with mental illness or addiction, I want to hear from you.  I need support.  And I truly believe that support is a flow of energy.  That means that if I can help you with my words, then you can help me with yours.  Leave me a comment, send me a link to your blog or page.  I want to widen my safety net, and I am really getting attached to reading the kind words that are left for me when I am struggling.  It really does help.  So, to all of you out there, say hello, or help, or whatever it is that you are thinking.  I need you all.

what do u want from me Friday October 26, 2007

my new obsession:

I know I haven’t been writing much.  I am kind of trying to find (discover?) my groove right now.  Things are kind of strange with this implant.  I am pretty sure I didn’t get the placebo, but I think I am under-dosed right now with the 4 implants.  I talked to my study coordinator today and the doctor won’t be in until Mon.  He does know how I am feeling, but I think he wants me to tough it out a bit and see where I land.  I can understand that line of thought, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to get through my days… I will see my the study doc on Monday and probably do oral supplementing, like maybe another 4mg of the Sub/day and see if that helps.  If I need that for 2 weeks running (which I probably will…) then I can get a 5th implant put in and that should bring me back up to where I was for those blissful 5 days that I was on the oral.  I was feeling so great, it is hard to feel like the depression is creeping back into my periphery and it makes me panic.  But.  I HAVE to wait until Monday.  There isn’t anything I can do about it, so wish me strength for the weekend, and I will try not to be too hard on myself (thanks bottlecappie for the reminder )

Oh, and I start therapy on Mon, twice a week.  I am really looking forward to that, hopefully it will give me a place to get some of this shit out without worrying about how ANYBODY feels about it.  So.  Yeah.  I have to go try and create some Halloween costumes with no money and no craft stuff.  Wish me luck.

Borrowed… Sunday October 21, 2007

Depression is a term commonly used to describe a sad or down mood, or the loss of pleasure in normally pleasurable activities. Major Depressive Disorder is a clinical disease that is typified by an overwhelming sadness, despair, and melancholy. In the Depressed person, this mood state advances to the point of being destructive to an individual’s ability to maintain personal hygiene, friendships, relationships and/or keep a job. Symptoms of Depression include change in appetite, marked weight gain or loss, disturbed sleep patterns, including insomnia, loss of REM sleep, or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping), psychomotor agitation or retardation, fatigue, overwhelming feelings of guilt, nervousness, helplessness, hopelessness, isolation, anxiety, trouble concentrating, keeping focus or making decisions leading to a decrease in overall cognition (also callled “poverty of thought”), recurrent thoughts of death, desire to just “lie down and die”, or “stop breathing”, recurrent suicidal ideation with or without a plan, and suicide attempts.

Other symptoms, which are not necessarily relevant to diagnosis, but which may be present include self-loathing, a decrease in self-esteem, sensitivity to noise, physical aches and pains, fear of going crazy, change in perception of time, periods of uncontrollable sobbing, sudden behavioral changes, such as aggression and or irritability, a feeling of impending doom, avoiding social situations or being late often, excessive procrastination, and excessive use of drugs and or alcohol.

So that is from the The Snake Pit’s blog…The bold is mine, the symptoms that are my part of my daily life. Until now. For the first time I can remember, including my torturous childhood, I no longer fit into that category. First of all, I have never read such a well written description of what my depression was like, especially the sensitivity to noise part. I most definitely experience that, and have never seen it connected to depressive symptoms until now. It was just like that. I hope that I can maintain this place of healing that I am in. I never want to feel like that again. I think that is my biggest fear right now. Falling back in the pit. I don’t know if I can do it again. I feel like I will drown in my own sadness. I want to be well. I want to be well. I want to be well.

Sunday Sunday October 21, 2007

I am feeling so much better, it is almost unbelievable. I have been thinking about my good friend bottlecappie a lot, knowing the big leap that she is about to make. I was such a wreck before my induction onto Suboxone. My mind was a battlefield. I was horrified and terrified and so hopeful but not wanting to hope too much. It was really scary. So today I am thing good thoughts for her and strong woman power is shooting from me straight to her.

Myself, I am trying to do a lot of projects that have been put off too long. We bought this house in August (well that’s when we moved in) and there is still a whole room full of boxes. That is supposed to be the kids playroom/guestroom. Well guess what? We are having guests so I have to find my way through 8597493q9887 boxes of miscelaneous crap and actually sort it out and then actually put it all away. Fun. But it actually feels good to be doing something productive (except, I guess I am not being productive right now, am I?) and I am really excited to get that room together so I can send my kids to go play somewhere other that up my ass, which is the pnly place they seem to want to be right now. Maybe it is because I am coming back. I would imagine that they can see the changes in me and are happy to see the real me again. Whan I think of it that way, it is actually nice that they are so happy to have me with them, not laying sick on the couch, or buzzing around, too high to pay attention. Yeah. This is definately better.

Ok. Back to work for me.