The new quarter started and I am crazy busy once again. I am trying to figure out how my life will work with such a heavy class load and family life and all. I know I will get it figured out, but this Chemistry class is scaring the crap out of me. This woman is a fast talker and is expecting 2-3 hours of homework per night for her class alone. I hope I can keep up… I have a feeling I will be getting to know the staff of the Chem help lab pretty well, since we are doing a years worth of high school chem in 10 weeks. FUN. I think my other classes will be ok, at least not nearly as intense a the Chem. Wish me luck, you all may not hear from me for a bit while I get my bearings.
pat on the back Tuesday March 18, 2008
Yep. I am going to celebrate a few of my accomplishments since I have started Suboxone and therapy. (Oct ‘07)
*I have officially completed one whole quarter of school without taking a single day off due to my depression. I did all of my homework and even got good grades! This one is huge for me.
*I am registered for next quarter, I did not put it off, nor did I register for the easiest classes that I could find in case I started to spin out into depression land.
*I can sleep appropriate amounts of time, and I am not exhausted all of the time (no more insomnia, no more sleeping all day and night)
*I have continued therapy and even found a new therapist when I needed to without getting overwhelmed or putting it off. And I actually go to my appointments.
*My relationships at home are improving and healing from my previous inablilty to be fully engaged. My kids talk to me more, and I yell at them less. Mr. A&J and I are working hard to maintain the relationship that we want, and aren’t just settling for the relationship that happens.
*For the most part, our bills are paid, and we don’t owe people money. Medical bills are another story, but we are doing pretty well with our financial responsibilities considering how we have been in the past.
*I am getting exercise most every day, outside, and liking it.
*I am making a true effort at eating proper meals and getting good nutrition, even when the pounds keep piling on.
*I haven’t had a panic attack in ages.
These are huge changes for me and I feel like I need to acknowledge that so many things in my life have improved so dramatically. For so so long I have planned my life with the knowledge that at any point I could become cripplingly depressed. My depression is sneaky and insidious, attacking me when I least expect it. But it has been gone for quite a while. Last week’s blues turned into the flu, so that explains that.
I am now trying to live my life without worrying “What if I get depressed”. I can make plans without worrying that I will have to cancel because I am too depressed to handle whatever it is, however small it is , because if I am depressed it will probably feel insurmountable. Thinking in this new way is making me realize how much power there is in that “what if”, how much of my life I was willing to give up, sleep through, avoid because of my depression. I do not want that life anymore. It’s not that I think I am doing some kind of pulling myself up by the bootstraps kind of crap, I don’t believe in that. I really think that the Suboxone is making the difference. And I hope to hell that it keeps working.
so so broke Saturday March 8, 2008
I have to search my house for things to pawn to buy groceries today. Yesterday I sold off half of my beloved book collection for $40 for gas and food. My partner is working his ass off day and night, I am awaiting the holy grail, my Fin-Aid check, and yet we still cannot seem to get it together financially. We aren’t spending dough on dope anymore, yet we are broker than ever. I don’t get it. Where the hell does it all go??? My kids are bitching because they are starting to hate the food bank fare that we have been living on for months now. That, and they say the the free school lunch and breakfast is gross. Sorry, babies, but it’s what I got.
Why can’t I just fast forward through this sucky part of my life and get to my well paid career? I have been broke for the entirety of my adult life and I really am starting to resent it. We work hard. We don’t blow our $$ on cd’s or movies or even going out to eat. We live frugally, we make a middle class wage and we can’t fucking make ends meet. How the hell am I supposed to get through four more years of school when I feel the pull to work to fill in the gap. The only problem with that theory is that I make more in loans and grants than I could earn at a job because I HAVE NO EDUCATION! Screwed any which way I look at it. BLECK!!!
But, even through this, I am not being pulled into the abyss of depression. I can look at these problems and see them for what they are. Sucky circumstances. Not that I am a horrible person. Not that my family would be better off without my lazy ass. Just circumstance. That, at least, is a relief.
I keep wondering how this is possible. It has got to be the suboxone, because this shit would always pull me in before. Or maybe it is that my lover is struggling with his with is own crushing depression right now. I can’t afford to fall right now, but that has never stopped me before. It is strange to be living in fear like this. No matter how much time goes by, the threat of that abyss always seems like it could be around any corner, coming for me any day.
Wish me wellness and sanity because goddess knows I need all I can get right now. I will not fall if I have any choice in it. I will keep doing the things that are good for me, and I will keep talking about how bizarre this sane life feels to me. And I WILL NOT stop going to therapy because $15 a week is better than falling off the edge of the world, even if it seems like the $15 is too much to spend on myself. I will keep putting one foot on front of the other and I will survive. I will be strong so that my man can heal himself instead of pushing all of his feelings away so that he can take care of me. I will take care of myself so that he can do the same. I will. I will. I will.
here I am Friday March 7, 2008
it’s been a while, and I don’t know why
But I miss this place and I miss getting my feelings out somewhere other than in my therapists office or on the phone to cappie…
Still on the sub-o boat, and doing well. Actually, I haven’t had a bout of depression since I started. I have had hard days, even weeks, but none of that cant-get-out-of-bed, the-world-is-horrible-and-its-all-my-fault kind of crap. I have actually spent entire weeks being happy, or at least fairly so. That is really new to me. Kind of scary even.
What the hell will my life be like without the suboxone??? I am terrified that I will fall off of the edge of the world, or drop out of school, or turn back to opiates, or for fucks sake something worse. Unspeakable things. BAD things.
I don’t even want to know. But chances are I will have to find out someday. And I really really don’t want to.
I just want to be well dammit. I want to be well without meds. Is that really so goddamn much to ask. I didn’t ask to be born into a family with a horrible history of depression and abusive behavior. And I certainly didn’t mean to hand this lovely little package off to my kids, but I imagine that I have. And I hate the thought if them ever struggling like I have.
Anyway, what I really came here to say is that I am ok. And I have been really busy staying in school(!) and trying to actually live my life. Not as easy as it sounds, especially when you have spent years and years trying to avoid everything around me. I miss the support that is here and I miss seeing my words written out in front of me. They seem more real that way. I will be back again soon, for real this time.
so maybe I’ll start now… Friday November 16, 2007
I have time, and I am not overtaken by the numbness and grief that the loss of my grandma has left me with. I will write. I didn’t make it to the meeting last night. I decided to join C and the kids to the book fair, and we had a good time. I told the kids that we were making Christmas wish lists, that we would be buying nothing, but listening and watching for what they liked and wanted. I took R to the journals and watched her oooh and aaah over the fancy leather bound, jewel encrusted beauties. Her eight year old sensibilities left her longing for a book with a lock, however. Which left us with only the kid-type journals to choose from, not as pretty, but they lock. She does have a little brother, ya know. Even though he does not yet know how to read, her craving and need for privacy has pushed her to NEED a lock. And a promise that I would never ever read it with out her permission. Watching my little girl grow up is harder than I ever imagined. And the parts that are hard are not the ones that I thought they would be. It is watching her grow wiser of the world and it’s dangers that is hard. Listening to her relate playground battles and homework insecurities makes me want to cry with fury. Fury that my baby is having to deal with the world, without me, and that I have to let her. That is the hard part.
I saw my dad today, for the first time since I was in California. He joined me and R for the Family Feast at S’s kindergarten class. The feast was fun, and R enjoyed being sprung from class for an hour before recess 
It was nice to be able to give my dad a bit of distraction and comfort after all that he did for me last week. We are still trying to figure this damned service out. My uncle is being so god-damned difficult. I am angry with him for so many reasons
ok. What the fucking fuck?!? Every time I sit down to write someone fucking dies. I just got a call that a close friend of my mom’s passed away… Died of a pulmonary embolism and lied dead in her bathroom for three days until someone found her. When my grandma died she wasn’t found for three days as well. This is craziness. I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something. wow, I guess the Universe is trying to tell me to write my will or something? OK!!!!! I WILL DO IT!!!!!!
Anyway, I was going to write, and I guess I don’t have to stop…
I registered for school for Winter quarter. That felt pretty good. I hope I can deal with it by then. I think I will be ready. 12 credits, Stress Management (ha! 2 credits, 2 Saturdays, easy!), Modern American Women Writers (fun and easy! 5cr, M-Th), and Sociology of Minority Groups (5cr, M-Th, interesting, should be able to get a good grade). So, school from 11:30 until 1:35 M-Th, and 2 Saturdays 9-6. Sounds doable. I am really looking forward to getting back to my “real” life, but I am enjoying this little vacation, if you can call it that.
And on to recovery… I am clean. Not using except for the good ‘ol green. My care providers are aware of that and, although not exactly supportive, accept that I am not yet ready to work on that. I can’t say that I haven’t thought about a fat line of oxy. I have had a pretty hard time not choosing to go that route on a few occasions lately. So, I know the demons have not left me completely, but I am strong enough to fight them. I think that all of the stress that I have been dealing with is contributing a lot to that situation. Old habits die hard, or at least that’s what they say. And the fact that C is still struggling a bit is making it a bit harder for me. I don’t really want to ask, and he doesn’t really want to tell me about it, but it’s like the pink elephant in the middle of the room that everyone is pretending isn’t there. He tells me he’s ok, and we are so fucking broke that I know he can’t be using much, but it is still a tricky subject for us. And for some reason, even though I told him I was going to give the AA thing a try, he acted all weird about it last night when I said that I wanted to go to a meeting. He said that he thought I said that I didn’t like it and didn’t want to go anymore. I never said that, in fact I told him that I wanted to try the women’s only meetings before I decided, so I don’t know what that was about. I think he has a lot of feelings about 12 step, and I guess I do too. But I also feel like I could really use some support right now, and maybe a room full of women that are all struggling in the ways that I am might really help me. I can take what I need from these meetings and leave the rest. For some reason a good number of our good friends have decided to turn into giant gaping assholes lately is really not helping with the whole “support network” thing, ya know.
hmmm I seem to have run out of words so I guess I’m done for now.
