Sunday, sunday…. Sunday April 6, 2008

The homework is done, the mother in law is gone, the kids are out with their dad (who is taking a much needed day off) and I have time to blog.  So far I am keeping up with the school pace, but if history has taught me anything, it is week 3 that I need to fear.  Things roll along kind of quietly until then, and then BAM! shit starts to get out of control.  If I can stay on top of the readings and homework then I think I will be alright.

One of the best parts of keeping really busy, is that I have a great excuse for having a messy house. No one expects a crazy full time student mama to keep a clean house.  Hell, I could probably get away with feeding them TV dinners every night if I wanted to, lol.  But, alas, my nutrition class will prevent me from ever being able to do that in good conscience.  We will stick to the usual routine of pasta and salad.  Nutritious, even if it is boring.  At least they eat it.

I have decided that since it is spring and all, I am going to keep parking at the shuttle lot, shuttle in to school in the morning, and then walk the mile or so back every day as long as it isn’t pissing down rain.  So far, so good.  And I even had a great excuse to go buy some new Keens   The exercise feels good to my muscles and my mind.  I got a bit out of the habit of walking with the bad weather, and I am really proud that I am motivated to do even this small thing for myself.  Things have changed so much for me, it is hard to take in all of the changes sometimes.  I know that I am having the longest run of feeling “normal” (god I hate that word…) that I can remember.  I know that a good part of it is the Suboxone, but I also feel things changing.  I am learning new ways of handling my feelings and speaking my mind.  It feels really good, I must say.

Maybe one of these days I will have to change the name of my blog, I am starting to feel the twinges of actually BEING the new me.  Weird.  I certainly wasn’t expecting that.

another day in the life Monday March 24, 2008

So I am officially on break now.  I ran the kids to school and went back to bed.  This is my one day of sleeping all day.  I promised myself that I would not sleep my entire break away, but  I can tell it’s going to be a struggle.  Sleep is such sweet escape from all of life’s struggles.   I missed therapy, my last session with this guy, because for some reason I made my appt for a different time than usual and then forgot about it until it was too late to get there.  I don’t really feel too bad about it though, it kind of seems that we have gotten to the end of what he can do for me anyway.

I talked to Mr. A&J last night about a new plan for doing good things for myself since the therapy gig isn’t really doing much for me right now.  We decided that I would continue to put away the $15 a week, and spend it on doing something good for me.  Every week.  The list we came up with included acupuncture at the student clinic, drop in yoga,  going out to eat with a friend, doing a session of drop in therapy if I feel like I could use it, or going to a movie.  I am sure that there are other things that I could do for $15, but that’s what we came up with.  I think that that may be a bit more satisfying to my soul than sitting in a room re-hashing old bullshit.  I want to get on with my life already.  I am tired of living in the past.  Any other ideas anyone has are welcome, I am not the best at thinking up positive ways to spend my time or money.

I am not under any delusion that I am now recovered or healed or anything like that, but it seems like doing some things out in the real world might be good for me.  I tend to be reclusive and  anti-social when left to my own devices, so I think that leaving my hovel and being out in the world is probably a good thing, as uncomfortable as it sounds to me right now.

The weekend was good, we egg-hunted with my little A&Js and little cappie, and mama cappie and I got a chance to hang out a bit.  It was good to see her, I have missed her a lot lately.  We are both in a bit of a strange place right now, it seems, and we both like to stay home just a bit too much   But I love her to death, and hanging out with her feels more like productive therapy than what I pay money for.  She always knows how to help me put things in perspective in a way that still makes me feel good about myself.  Okay, enough gushing about how much I love my cappie, I don’t want to embarrass her or anything…

a junky moment Thursday March 20, 2008

That’s the only way that I can really explain it. Today, after napping much of the day away thanks to the flu and the fact that I had no class, I woke up sweaty and feeling off kilter. I went to sit on the stoop in the sunshine and have a stogie and try to get my head together. All of a sudden I was queasy in that I-want-to-get-high kind of way and my nose was practically itching for a bump. I started to get panicky for a bit, chain smoked a couple of Camels and tried to figure out why I was feeling that way.

I had to deal with more crap having to do with my Grandma’s probate this morning; I have been sick; I hadn’t taken my dose of Suboxone for the day; I wrote all that crap about doing good yesterday… whatever it was it was making me jones like a motherfucker. So I went in the kitchen and took my meds and waited for the gross ass orange pill to melt and my nerves to mellow out. It seemed to take forever, but eventually I started to feel better and made myself a cup of coffee.  I sat and soaked up the bits of sun that were making it through the clouds, drank my coffee, smoked too much, and felt grateful for the fact that I had survived those moments of freakout.

I realize that it was minor in the scheme of things, but for me it was a reminder to not let my guard down. I am still healing from my mistakes and I will be for a long time. I am not and will never be perfect, as hard as that is for me to swallow. The thing I keep trying to remind myself is that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t expect other people to be, and no one expects me to be either.

I don’t know why I feel such a need to be good at everyfuckingthing, but I do. I accept and even adore the imperfections of my friends and loved ones, but in myself they are sources of great shame, especially when they are about my addiction. I do not like my inadequacies in general to be exposed, especially if I have not accepted them within myself already. I am trying to let go of this quality within myself but it is hard. I have got to stay on track with the life that I want to have, and it is hard for me to accept that it is going to be a lot of hard work for a long time.

I need to meditate on imperfection, I think. If I can accept my other imperfections I think that I would be better able to accept my occasional cravings and triggers for what they are; signals that I need something. What do they say… HALT, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Today, I think it was a combo of those things and more. Sadness, sickness, loneliness for sure, and I hadn’t eaten yet. But I think it was also because I was alone for the second day in a row. I need to make sure that during my break (after tomorrow) I keep myself busy. Sitting around doing nothing is not good for me. I don’t do well without some structure. So I will try to make some plans at least with myself for things to do outside of the house. That seems to be the main factor. Staying home all day by myself does not make me want to clean or organize, as much as I wish it did. I will have to get out of the house and actually do some stuff to stimulate my mind and body.

I am reminded of the saying “Beauty is in the imperfections.” I think that will be my mantra for a while. I have got to get rid of this shame bullshit and move forward. I am doing well, and I deserve this life of good things and people that love me for who I am, faults and all. I love them, and I need to love myself at least that much. Not easy, but I have to if I want to truly be happy. I think I may be onto something here, I am sure that I will have more to say later…

pat on the back Tuesday March 18, 2008

Yep. I am going to celebrate a few of my accomplishments since I have started Suboxone and therapy. (Oct ‘07)

*I have officially completed one whole quarter of school without taking a single day off due to my depression. I did all of my homework and even got good grades! This one is huge for me.

*I am registered for next quarter, I did not put it off, nor did I register for the easiest classes that I could find in case I started to spin out into depression land.

*I can sleep appropriate amounts of time, and I am not exhausted all of the time (no more insomnia, no more sleeping all day and night)

*I have continued therapy and even found a new therapist when I needed to without getting overwhelmed or putting it off. And I actually go to my appointments.

*My relationships at home are improving and healing from my previous inablilty to be fully engaged. My kids talk to me more, and I yell at them less. Mr. A&J and I are working hard to maintain the relationship that we want, and aren’t just settling for the relationship that happens.

*For the most part, our bills are paid, and we don’t owe people money. Medical bills are another story, but we are doing pretty well with our financial responsibilities considering how we have been in the past.

*I am getting exercise most every day, outside, and liking it.

*I am making a true effort at eating proper meals and getting good nutrition, even when the pounds keep piling on.

*I haven’t had a panic attack in ages.

These are huge changes for me and I feel like I need to acknowledge that so many things in my life have improved so dramatically. For so so long I have planned my life with the knowledge that at any point I could become cripplingly depressed. My depression is sneaky and insidious, attacking me when I least expect it. But it has been gone for quite a while. Last week’s blues turned into the flu, so that explains that.

I am now trying to live my life without worrying “What if I get depressed”. I can make plans without worrying that I will have to cancel because I am too depressed to handle whatever it is, however small it is , because if I am depressed it will probably feel insurmountable. Thinking in this new way is making me realize how much power there is in that “what if”, how much of my life I was willing to give up, sleep through, avoid because of my depression. I do not want that life anymore. It’s not that I think I am doing some kind of pulling myself up by the bootstraps kind of crap, I don’t believe in that. I really think that the Suboxone is making the difference. And I hope to hell that it keeps working.

it always comes back Thursday March 13, 2008

So my delusion that Suboxone would forever end my chronic depression is quickly fading.  My skies are becoming more grey and cloudy, the sun is hard to see.  I know where this goes, I go from funky, to exhausted and distracted, to totally depressed.  It can be hours, days, or weeks  for me to get through those phases, but that is the pattern.  Right now I’m funky, leaning toward exhausted.  I feel like I could stay in bed for a few days right now, and not only would it not help anything, but I would still be exhausted.  I think that it is my getaway, the place where I can just fade and not have to think.

The financial state of my life is contributing greatly, as well as this crap with my grandma’s probate, and having finals all week is leaving me depleted, stressed out, and looking for an out.  There is no fucking out.  Thats always the thing.  There is no fucking out.  I can’t go to bed for a week, I can’t hop a plane to the Bahamas, and I can’t even take a day off.  There is no such thing in this life right now.  And that is probably all I really need.  Some time to myself when I am not studying, stressing about $$, or dealing with family shit.  Even therapy is not a solace at this point.  I just end up rehashing all of the crap that is stressing me and feel no resolution at the end.  I mean I know I need to go and all, but it just isn’t doing much for me right now. And I am constantly scrambling for the cash to pay for it even though it is only $15.

Please, please let these next days go quickly and let me get to my 2 week break so I can sleep, and maybe write, and try to sort out what the hell is going on with me.  I don’t want to break down, but it is starting to feel inevitable.  I am not sure I can make it another week before I get to feed my soul, have some privacy and no deadlines.

so so broke Saturday March 8, 2008

I have to search my house for things to pawn to buy groceries today. Yesterday I sold off half of my beloved book collection for $40 for gas and food. My partner is working his ass off day and night, I am awaiting the holy grail, my Fin-Aid check, and yet we still cannot seem to get it together financially. We aren’t spending dough on dope anymore, yet we are broker than ever. I don’t get it. Where the hell does it all go??? My kids are bitching because they are starting to hate the food bank fare that we have been living on for months now. That, and they say the the free school lunch and breakfast is gross. Sorry, babies, but it’s what I got.

Why can’t I just fast forward through this sucky part of my life and get to my well paid career? I have been broke for the entirety of my adult life and I really am starting to resent it. We work hard. We don’t blow our $$ on cd’s or movies or even going out to eat. We live frugally, we make a middle class wage and we can’t fucking make ends meet. How the hell am I supposed to get through four more years of school when I feel the pull to work to fill in the gap. The only problem with that theory is that I make more in loans and grants than I could earn at a job because I HAVE NO EDUCATION! Screwed any which way I look at it. BLECK!!!

But, even through this, I am not being pulled into the abyss of depression. I can look at these problems and see them for what they are. Sucky circumstances. Not that I am a horrible person. Not that my family would be better off without my lazy ass. Just circumstance. That, at least, is a relief.

I keep wondering how this is possible. It has got to be the suboxone, because this shit would always pull me in before. Or maybe it is that my lover is struggling with his with is own crushing depression right now. I can’t afford to fall right now, but that has never stopped me before. It is strange to be living in fear like this. No matter how much time goes by, the threat of that abyss always seems like it could be around any corner, coming for me any day.

Wish me wellness and sanity because goddess knows I need all I can get right now. I will not fall if I have any choice in it. I will keep doing the things that are good for me, and I will keep talking about how bizarre this sane life feels to me. And I WILL NOT stop going to therapy because $15 a week is better than falling off the edge of the world, even if it seems like the $15 is too much to spend on myself. I will keep putting one foot on front of the other and I will survive. I will be strong so that my man can heal himself instead of pushing all of his feelings away so that he can take care of me. I will take care of myself so that he can do the same. I will. I will. I will.

here I am Friday March 7, 2008

it’s been a while, and I don’t know why

But I miss this place and I miss getting my feelings out somewhere other than in my therapists office or on the phone to cappie…

Still on the sub-o boat, and doing well. Actually, I haven’t had a bout of depression since I started. I have had hard days, even weeks, but none of that cant-get-out-of-bed, the-world-is-horrible-and-its-all-my-fault kind of crap. I have actually spent entire weeks being happy, or at least fairly so. That is really new to me. Kind of scary even.

What the hell will my life be like without the suboxone??? I am terrified that I will fall off of the edge of the world, or drop out of school, or turn back to opiates, or for fucks sake something worse. Unspeakable things. BAD things.

I don’t even want to know. But chances are I will have to find out someday. And I really really don’t want to.

I just want to be well dammit. I want to be well without meds. Is that really so goddamn much to ask. I didn’t ask to be born into a family with a horrible history of depression and abusive behavior. And I certainly didn’t mean to hand this lovely little package off to my kids, but I imagine that I have. And I hate the thought if them ever struggling like I have.

Anyway, what I really came here to say is that I am ok. And I have been really busy staying in school(!) and trying to actually live my life. Not as easy as it sounds, especially when you have spent years and years trying to avoid everything around me. I miss the support that is here and I miss seeing my words written out in front of me. They seem more real that way. I will be back again soon, for real this time.

getting implanted Tuesday November 20, 2007

So today is the day for implant #5.  My anxiety and craziness about not knowing what the hell is happening in my body talked me into popping a couple of Vicoden last night.  Bad idea i guess, but it did help with the anxiety.  I wish I could kick that little voice out of my head.  This is so much harder than I thought it would be, for some reason.  I don’t know why I didn’t think it would be hard.  I think I did, I just didn’t know quite how much power that addict voice would still have.  I thought I would be able to shut it up with the Sub/Implant  I have to say that I am feeling less than confident that this next implant will do the  trick for me, but I haven’t given up hope completely.  I hope and I hope because I really don’t know what I will do next if it doesn’t help me.  No $$, no ins, etc, etc…  Wish me luck!

today Saturday November 17, 2007

Today I feel like I am standing in the middle of a vortex of emotions and feelings. They are spinning all around me and every once in a while one of them lands on me and I must experience whatever it is that decides to hit me. Sad, happy, afraid, grateful, angry, hopeless, hopeful, whatever… It is intense and not very pleasant to say the least. Throughout this very strange day I have somehow found a wealth of patience and kindness for my children and their various hurts, fears, and joys. I have been patient with my 5yo’s constant chatting about whatever the obsession of the moment is. Electricity, how toilets flush, why it sometimes hurts to poop, how sad he is that his papa has to work so much and doesn’t have a lot of time for kid stuff right now. Somehow I have navigated these conversations with calmness, love, and joy. I have no idea how, but I did.

Today S scratched his nails on the chalkboard and for some reason I had this really intense visceral response. I had to go sit on my bed in the dark and try not to puke as well as breathing myself through the beginnings of a panic attack. It was very strange. It seems like a really bad example of the auditory sensitivity that accompanies my depression, at least I am trying to go with that theory anyway.

I got an apology from one of the Giant Gaping Assholes today, and C got one from the other, so maybe they are moving down my list to just Assholes instead of the superior rank of Giant Gaping Assholes. At least I hope so. I am really fearing the loss of these friends and I am not entirely sure why. I would kind of like to be rid of GGA#1, but for some reason this is hard for me to fathom. We have shared a lot as families for a long time, and it would be sad to me to see that chapter end. I wish we could just rewind and have this person back as a friend, instead of someone who has entirely lost my and C’s trust and respect. I don’t know why I can’t let go of this. As for GGA#2, I think we will recover, it seems all is not what it appeared, though she is still ranked Asshole for the time being. We’ll see.

I feel tired, vaguely depressed, and yet kind of ok. I am trying to just do this day one step at a time and I seem to be getting through it, but still, I am tired and ready for my bed as soon as the time comes.

lazy sunday Sunday November 4, 2007

The family (extra relatives anyway) have returned home.  The kids are watching movies and gorging on halloween candy.  C is feeling better, and is actually home!  The house is clean, and there is no projects that are pressing at the moment, so we are just chill.

I am going to my first “meeting” tonight.  I looked at the AA website and I found a candlelight meeting tonight that is near my house.  Candles are nice, at least there will be that… My therapist has convinced me that I should at least check a few out BEFORE I try to tell her that they suck and are stupid.  That really is how I think I feel, but I made an agreement with myself to actually try to follow her advice.  Um, mostly cause look where following my own instinct got me….  So, tonight, “Hi, my name is Angst and I am an addict.” Sweeeeeet.  Good thing I have all day to build up nerve.

Oh, and today I have one week clean.  Last weekend was shite, but I already wrote all about that, so I will just say that I am proud and feel kind of silly about it and also, cannot fucking believe that it has only been a week.  It seems like a year.  I seriously don’t even miss it much anymore.  Suboxone is a fucking miracle and I can’t even imagine where I would be emotionally right now without it.  Hmmmm.  I am so grateful for this opportunity and I swear I am not going to fuck it up this time.  Really.  I am trying so hard, but even that seem kind of easy with the Sub.  Fucking Miracle, I tell ya.